The following screenplay is Registered with the WGA #663479 and Copyright 1997 by Kristian Idol. Use of any material, in whole or in part, is expressly forbidden without prior written consent. |
ACT ONE A FADE IN: INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT ALMOST COMPLETELY DARK. A SHADOWY FIGURE SEARCHES THE DISPLAY CASE. THE MAN MOVES TO THE COUCH AND PULLS AWAY THE CUSHIONS... MARTIN (O.S.) I have a gun! THE FIGURE CROUCHES, DEAD STILL. RUFFLED MARTIN PEEKS AROUND THE CORNER. MARTIN I'm an ex-cop, and I'm pissed you woke me up! HE FLICKS THE LIGHTS ON. AMIDST THE RANSACKED ROOM STANDS... MARTIN Frasier! What the hell are you doing? FRASIER Straightening up? MARTIN SCOWLS. FRASIER (CONT'D) I was looking for my watch. MARTIN Maybe that's why you don't know it's five in the morning! You scared me half to death, son, I could've shot you. FRASIER Is the cane a .44 or a .357? MARTIN IS DEVOID OF GUN. MARTIN So I was groggy - how about I beat the crap outta ya? FRASIER Anything is better than this sheer agony. I've turned the apartment upside down... MARTIN What is so important about a watch that -- Oh Jeez, it's that fancy one. FRASIER Yes, the Cartier. Tell me immediately if you find my French watch. MARTIN The Eiffel Tower probably cost less than ten thousand dollars! There's more important things in the world, you know. FRASIER Dad, it's importance to me has nothing whatsoever to do with price. And it was eleven thousand. HE CONTINUES LOOKING. DAPHNE ENTERS, RUBBING SLEEP FROM HER EYES. DAPHNE Oh, my... I dreamt I was playing poker with Gandhi, Elvis Presley and Mother Nature... And Elvis was digging in the couch for a banana split... MARTIN The King was just looking for his common sense. FRASIER I must find my gold watch... DAPHNE It's very important to you, isn't it? FRASIER Oh! A vision, Daphne? DAPHNE No, it's just so bloody early! MARTIN Why were you looking in the dark, anyway? FRASIER I... didn't want to wake you. MARTIN And I didn't want a bunion the size of a golf ball, but we can't un-ring those bells. Might as well just stay up. HE SITS IN HIS CHAIR. FRASIER I will not rest until I get it back... DAPHNE (RUBS EYES, YAWNS) Sounds like coffee and biscuits, then. SHE SHUFFLES OFF. FRASIER STOPS AND FRETS. MARTIN If it'll make ya feel better, I had a pretty strong attachment to a baseball glove when I was ten... FRASIER Oh, please, Dad, this was a very dear possession. MARTIN So was Lefty! Best darn mitt I ever owned. FRASIER FEIGNS ACTING: FRASIER Oh, fine European craftsmanship, how do I love thee? Shall I compare thee to... abused, dead animal hide?? MARTIN It's an overpriced hunk of metal! And you've trashed your apartment looking for it. DAPHNE RETURNS, APPARENTLY STILL A BIT GROGGY - SHE CARRIES A TRAY OF... DAPHNE Banana splits, anyone? FRASIER No... thank you, Daphne. Oh, did you see my Cartier watch in the kitchen? DAPHNE No, but I did find a little ant making his merry way across the counter. Do you want me to call the exterminator? FRASIER Just ignore it. HE SEARCHES THE COUCH AGAIN. MARTIN Ignore it?? FRASIER An insect, Dad? A bug?? I can't be bothered with such trifles now. What possible bad thing can come from such an insignificant little pest? EDDIE RUNS IN, HOPS INTO MARTIN'S LAP AND STARES DIRECTLY AT FRASIER. FRASIER (CONT'D) Noted. AS WE: FADE OUT. B FADE IN: INT. RADIO STUDIO - DAY EMPTY. FRASIER RACES IN, DISHEVELED. ROZ ENTERS. ROZ Where were you?? You haven't been late once in four years - I thought you were hurt or left for dead somewhere! FRASIER You didn't call the police, did you? ROZ No, I just re-ran Friday's show. FRASIER Friday?? The one where I -- ROZ Forgot the caller's name seven times, yes. Never hang your producer out to dry, you will pay. What happened? FRASIER RUBS HIS EMPTY WRIST. FRASIER Let's just get to work, shall we? MIFFED, SHE RETURNS TO HER BOOTH AND SIGNALS HIM. FRASIER BEGINS AS HE SMOOTHS HIMSELF OUT. FRASIER Good afternoon, Seattle, I'm back in the flesh. I apologize for my tardiness... and especially to Friday's caller Ken. Thank you, Ken, for the courage to call. I'll always remember you, Ken, because you... Ken, were an important caller. (BEAT) Ken. Moving forward... (HITS BUTTON) This is Dr. Frasier Crane, I'm listening... CALLER #1 (V.O.) I'm afraid, Dr. Crane. FRASIER Okay, identifying the feeling is a good start, but let's focus a bit. What specifically makes you feel afraid? CALLER #1 (V.O.) It's... my clothes. FRASIER You're afraid of your clothing? CALLER #1 (V.O.) I think my underwear is conspiring against me... FRASIER LOOKS TO ROZ, WHO'S SMIRKING "SO THERE". DISSOLVE TO: INT. RADIO STUDIO - LATER FRASIER STARES OFF, PREOCCUPIED. CALLER #2 (V.O.) ...and then when Spock died, I just couldn't stop crying and crying... ROZ'S TAPPING INTERRUPTS FRASIER'S THOUGHTS - SHE HURRIEDLY MAKES THE "CUT" SIGNAL. FRASIER Yes, thank you for that insight... (LOOKING AT NOTES) ...Commander Zog. This is KACL and Dr. Frasier Crane saying, "May all the voices you hear be real ones." HE FLIPS A SWITCH AND SLUMPS INTO THE CHAIR. ROZ ENTERS HIS BOOTH. ROZ What is with you today? I haven't seen you this distracted since Engineer Bob told you your voice does sound as weird as you think. Is it the late thing? FRASIER I can't tell you, Roz. ROZ I'll get the Commander back... FRASIER All right. I lost my watch. ROZ Oh, come on. Did Martin's dog eat your homework, too? FRASIER I'm being honest! When I got home this morning, I looked everywhere for it. ROZ This morning? Where were you last night? FRASIER HESITATES. FRASIER I'm not telling. SHE CROSSES HER ARMS. FRASIER (CONT'D) Well, I'm torn. I'm not comfortable with asking for help... But I suppose if anyone has a wealth of information in this area, it would be you... ROZ Now I'm flattered, Frasier. What am I such an expert in? FRASIER I had a one-night stand. ROZ You just don't know how bad the calls can get, do you? FRASIER The first time in my life I've ever done something like that... and I just realized... she stole my wristwatch. ROZ Serves you right. FRASIER What?? ROZ For all the teasing about my occasional lovers. FRASIER "Occasional", Roz? Your lovelife has more to do with clockwork than my missing Cartier! ROZ Are you sure you didn't just leave it somewhere? FRASIER Oh, I've already risked a beating to disprove that. ROZ So buy a new one. It's not like they pay you in rat pellets, you know. FRASIER I can't replace it. It was very special to me. BULLDOG ENTERS. BULLDOG What was very special? FRASIER Nothing your little ball-and-stick brain would understand, Bulldog. BULLDOG No problemo! So, Doc, what's with the bags under the eyes? Up late watching the 'Hawks? FRASIER Yes, immediately after Satan bought his down parka. ROZ He slept with some woman who stole his watch. FRASIER Roz! BULLDOG Bummer. I hope it was worth it. FRASIER Not eleven thousand dollars... BULLDOG Wow! Track that woman down - so I can have a crack at her! FRASIER Can we drop this, please? You two have no concept of the word "shame"! BULLDOG SETS UP HIS GONG. BULLDOG Ah, ya gotta give 'em a little trophy. I usually leave my bikini briefs. Woof! CLANG!! FRASIER I rest my case. AS WE: FADE OUT. C A BLACK SCREEN. IN WHITE LETTERS APPEARS "MORE LIKE ONE SHIP AND A DINGHY." FADE IN: INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - DAY FRASIER ENTERS, STILL ANXIOUS. MARTIN PLAYS SOLITAIRE. MARTIN Interesting day at work, son? FRASIER You listened. MARTIN Nah, Daphne told me. The watch still botherin' ya? FRASIER I'm afraid I can't talk about it right now. MARTIN You won't tell your old man? C'mon, I got nothin' but time... FRASIER WINCES, MARTIN SMIRKS. NILES ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN. NILES Well, as they say on the street, "Spill it, bro." FRASIER Watching Dad's tapes of Baretta again, Niles? NILES I "did that crime", I guess I'll have to "do the time"! FRASIER WINCES AGAIN. MARTIN LOVES IT. MARTIN That one was just a coincidence. FRASIER Please... Dad, Niles, I'm really not in the mood for any teasing, I'm under a lot of emotional stress... NILES Perhaps you should take some time off. FRASIER Okay, okay! Can't we just forget that I've lost my Cartier watch?? NILES The Cartier? Not the one Lilith gave you? FRASIER Yes!! Yes, it was the diamond watch given to me as a last ditch effort to save my marriage a mere few weeks before Lilith abandoned me! But it's meaningless! I could NOT care less!! THE ROOM IS SILENT. NILES Thus effectively illustrating the "denial" phase of loss... MARTIN Lilith gave you the pricey watch? NILES Oopsy, guess he never copped to the copper about that one. FRASIER Oh, to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune... DAPHNE ENTERS. DAPHNE Greetings, Dr. Crane. Say, did you ever find your -- FRASIER GLARES HER INTO SUBMISSION. DAPHNE (CONT'D) -- laundry? Because I think I'll wash... something... back here... SHE RETREATS. NILES You know, Frasier, I may be the happy-go-lucky one in the family -- LOOKS ASKANCE. NILES (CONT'D) ...but even I don't become this attached to an accessory item. FRASIER It was my marriage. I still have feelings for the woman! MARTIN AND NILES SHUDDER SIMULTANEOUSLY. MARTIN It's been four years, Frasier, maybe it's time you let the good ship Ice Princess sail. FRASIER SIGHS. A LONG MOMENT. FRASIER I'm afraid I haven't been entirely truthful with you all... MARTIN There's something else you haven't told us? FRASIER Amazingly so, considering this familial grilling makes the Spanish Inquisition look like a tea salon! NILES Okay, man, time to 'fess up. FRASIER Let it go, Niles, you're beginning to sound like Truman Capote reading "In Cold Blood". MARTIN You spend all day making people spill their guts and you won't even tell your family... DAPHNE Oh, yes, please. "This is Daphne Moon, and I'm listening." FRASIER STRUGGLES, THEN CONCEDES. FRASIER I met a woman last night... and despite my better judgement... we slept together. NILES Yowza! A tryst. A dalliance. A walk on the wild side, even. FRASIER Yes, all that and a hearty dollop of punishment, too. After a day and a half of searching, I've realized that I didn't lose my precious watch - my femme adultére stole it. MARTIN Did you file a (SARCASTIC FRENCH ACCENT) crime-eh re-porté? FRASIER No, Dad, I've already told too many people. As an intelligent, respected professional, this whole event is incredibly embarrassing. It's not exactly Tristan und Isolde. NILES More like Lady und The Tramp. MARTIN Did you get her address or phone number? I can have someone search the files. FRASIER No... We were simply two ships, passing in the night... MARTIN Lemme interrupt ya here for a sec. You know, I'm sorry for you, Frasier, but if you compare one more thing in your life to an opera, I think I'm gonna puke. NILES "Two ships" is Shakespeare, Dad - theatre is markedly different from opera. MARTIN Ya pay a hundred bucks and listen to a bunch of screamin' meemies - oh yeah, it's completely different! DAPHNE I've always enjoyed hearing Dr. Crane talk about the theatre - it gives him a sort of grace. FRASIER RAISES HIS EYEBROW AT MARTIN. FRASIER Grace? DAPHNE Even if you did drop your knickers for a little slap-and-tickle... MARTIN So, how did you hook up with this woman? I can spot the lowlifes a mile away - I thought you picked that up from me. NILES Oh, he picked up the lowlife all right. FRASIER Okay, enough. It all started on Friday. As you probably know -- MARTIN/NILES/DAPHNE Ken. FRASIER FLINCHES AT THE BODY BLOW. FRASIER Yes. You see, I was helping -- MARTIN/NILES/DAPHNE Ken. FRASIER ...the caller deal with his ex-wife, which got me to thinking about whether I myself would ever find another mate, which lead to my problem with... FRASIER WAVES HIS HAND TO CUE THEM. THEY ARE SILENT. FRASIER Ken! NILES He can say it! Bravo, mon frére! FRASIER So, this melancholia lasted well into the depths of the weekend, whence I ended up at Café Nervosa, savoring a particularly piquant blend of Jamaican Blue... MARTIN I smell an opera reference... FRASIER Her name was Anastasia. NILES SIGHS LIKE A SCHOOLGIRL. FRASIER (CONT'D) Tall, well-mannered, in every description a woman of taste. Her very essence a perfumed reminder of the Champs D'Elysse... NILES Before the McDonald's. FRASIER Of course, of course. And she asked if she could sit with me. DAPHNE Oh, this is so fascinating. It's like one of those romantic coffee commercials. NILES Or the episode where Baretta makes the stoolie squeal. NILES SCRATCHES. FRASIER She told me she liked my voice... we actually talked about Lilith... OUTSIDE, LIGHTNING AND A PEAL OF THUNDER. FRASIER (CONT'D) So, one thing lead to another, and... well, you know the rest... MARTIN I tell ya what I'd do -- FRASIER No, Dad, I'm sorry - this is my issue, I'd rather just find my own solution. NILES But Frasier, this one single loss is affecting your whole life. You must simply accept the fact that both the watch - and your marriage - are gone. FRASIER I do! Unconditionally! (BEAT) Unless I scour the entire city of Seattle... MARTIN What?? FRASIER Yes, that's it! I have picked up a bit of the old detective from you, Dad. I'll flush her out of the woodwork and get my watch back! HE GRABS HIS COAT. NILES IS STARING AT THE FLOOR. NILES Frasier, do you remember the ant Daphne discovered yesterday? FRASIER Later, Niles. Now, I'm off to find my nemesis!! HE'S GONE. NILES Oh look, he's invited along several dozen of his little ant friends... NILES STEPS ONTO THE COUCH STANDING AS MARTIN LIFTS HIS FEET UP INTO HIS CHAIR. OUTSIDE IT BEGINS TO POUR. AS WE: FADE OUT. END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO D A BLACK SCREEN. IN WHITE LETTERS APPEARS "YOU CAN'T HELP THE HELPLESS". FADE IN: INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT FRASIER ENTERS, SOAKED AND BEATEN. STAINS AND RIPS MARK HIS CLOTHING; A BENT FEDORA APPEARS TO COVER... HAIR. ASKEW. MARTIN, NILES AND EDDIE ARE IN THE ROOM. MARTIN So, Sherlock, did you catch the bad girl? (NOTICING) Jeez, she didn't beat you up, did she? FRASIER No, Dad, I'm afraid there was no justice tonight. NILES Unless you're rehearsing to play the Elephant Man... FRASIER REMOVES THE HAT AND TOUPEE. FRASIER I was south of Cherry Street. MARTIN Cherry Street! Cops don't even like to go down there! FRASIER Tonight, I have truly been to hell and back. NILES Pulled behind a donkey cart, evidently. What happened? FRASIER Well, in order to fool my offender, I decided to disguise myself. But after a four-hour rain-soaked search of the dank underbelly of Seattle, I finally just gave up. I was walking back to my car and the tape on my toupee wouldn't release. As I was struggling with my faux hair, I slipped on some sort of discolored fruit rind - I'm hoping - and landed on my elbow. Despite searing pain, I managed my way nearly to my car, where I was accosted by a particularly aromatic miscreant. So I gave him all the money I had, and I thought he was going to let me go, but when he said, "A rich guy like you... must have an expensive watch", I burst into tears and fell to my knees in the mud! MARTIN I'm sorry, son. FRASIER STARES AT THE TOUPEE. DAPHNE ENTERS FROM HER ROOM. DAPHNE Ooh, bugs, bug, bugging buggers!! They're in me bedroom now! MARTIN That's it, I'm calling the exterminator... FRASIER I told you, Dad, no chemicals! NILES As disgusted as I am, this time I agree - I said the same thing when we had a beetle infestation at the mansion years ago. NILES SCRATCHES. FRASIER What did you do? NILES Disregarding my Maris' plaintive cries of "Gas them! Gas them!", I paid the gardener a dollar per bug to gently carry the spindly irritant outside. MARTIN You are still talking about the beetle, right? FRASIER A dollar a bug?? My God, Niles, didn't that get rather expensive? NILES Oh, yes. It's no great secret who actually paid for Yoshi's lawnmower- shaped swimming pool. Just thinking about them gives me a rash... HE SCRATCHES AGAIN. FRASIER Nevertheless, I reiterate: forget about the ants. I see no evidence of any infestation. MARTIN Well, Eddie can't keep sucking 'em up forever. EDDIE LICKS HIS LIPS REPEATEDLY. DAPHNE You know, in the Moon household we used a little dish soap in a water bottle. One spritz and it's Goodbye, Mr. Creepy-Crawly. FRASIER Everyone! Pay attention to me! There is only one thing causing the problem in this apartment right now! THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER. MARTIN You are still talking about the watch, right? FRASIER FALLS ONTO THE COUCH, WHINING. FRASIER With utter clarity, I now understand the purgatory that is Limbo. If I could just get my priceless watch back, I'd reach some closure... MARTIN "Closure", my butt. Ya got your dipstick checked and the mechanic stole your gascap. Move on! FRASIER MOANS. NILES SITS ON THE ARM OF THE COUCH. NILES Frasier, while the Cartier may be a physical reminder of a cherished era, even a talisman if you will, you must resolve this emotionally. HE PULLS OUT A SMALL NOTEBOOK AND PEN. SUDDENLY, IT LOOKS LIKE A CLASSIC THERAPY SESSION. NILES (CONT'D) Now, societal mores often stress -- FRASIER BOLTS UPRIGHT. FRASIER Don't you even dare, you... you... therapist. NILES Ouch. Touché. MARTIN Why don't you let your brother help, Frasier? You helped him when Maris left, remember? NILES Yes! Dear God, I was a wreck. And my beloved sibling so effectively taught me to let go... HE STARES AT DAPHNE, WHO IS BRUSHING HER HIPS. NILES (CONT'D) ...of my.... BRUSH, BRUSH. FRASIER I suppose I could accept a little advice... NILES ...obsession... DAPHNE Oh! I think there's one going up me skirt! FRASIER Niles? NO RESPONSE. DAPHNE Now I'll have to take off all me clothes... SHE STARTS TO LEAVE, NILES FOLLOWING WITH A GRIN. DAPHNE Oh! The little bugger's on me neck! FRASIER Niles! HE SPINS BACK. NILES I'm innocent, man!! FRASIER What do I do? NILES Hmm... try using a strength to overcome your weakness. What do you consider a particularly strong trait? FRASIER Well, I remember feeling thrilled that I was able to woo her successfully. You know, the old Crane black magic. NILES Say no more, witch doctor. MARTIN ROLLS HIS EYES. FRASIER But besides my charm, I suppose it all came down to the fact that she liked my voice... NILES Understandably your soft spot - it is, after all, how you make your living. THEY PONDER. FRASIER Of course! I'll use my voice to educate the populace of Seattle about the dangers of meeting someone new. Trust. Honor. Larceny! MARTIN I can't believe this. Why don't I just call my friend Jimmy - he was a con, he might even know the woman. FRASIER Dad, this is an intensely personal violation - I don't want any help from strangers. Now, I must prepare to broadcast to a hundred thousand people! HE HEADS OFF TO HIS BEDROOM. AND WE: FADE OUT. E A BLACK SCREEN. IN WHITE LETTERS APPEARS "PSYCHIATRIST, SHRINK THYSELF". FADE IN: INT. RADIO STUDIO - DAY FRASIER IS ON A ROLL... FRASIER And in conclusion, always remember to be honest. Resist the temptation to lie, rail against the cheaters, and know that if ye steal, ye surely will suffer eternal damnation in the River Hades!! CALLER #3 (V.O.) And how exactly will that get my dog to eat? ROZ BREAKS IN. ROZ Our next caller, Dr. Crane, feels guilty... BY THE DRAWL, THE WOMAN IS EVIDENTLY FROM THE DEEP SOUTH. CALLER #4 (V.O.) Dr. Cray-en? I'm havin' a heckuva time with my new boyfrien'... FRASIER Go ahead, uh... What was your name again? CALLER #4 (V.O.) Anna. (BEAT) Anna-stay-zhuh. FRASIER FREEZES. ANASTASIA (V.O., CONT'D) See, I took this fancy watch that he got from his other girlfrien'... FRASIER It was my wife!! (OFF ROZ'S LOOK) His wife. I'm guessing. ROZ LOOKS CONFUSED. FRASIER (CONT'D) Don't tell me, you wanted a little "trophy" from the relationship. ANASTASIA (V.O.) Oh, don' call it that - some guy once tried to give me his underwear! FRASIER So, Anastasia, if that's even your real name, the world would be a happier place if you'd just return the damn watch! Capish?? ANNA'S VOICE CHANGES TO THAT OF A SOCIETY WOMAN. ANASTASIA (V.O.) Thank you, hon, but I caaan't do that. Oh my, 'tis nearly tea time. (EARTHY) See ya later, sucker. FRASIER Give it back! Repent!! I'll find you, Anastasia!!! DIAL TONE. A BEAT WHILE ROZ DIGESTS THIS. ROZ Interesting advice, Doctor. We'll be back after this station identification. SHE FLICKS THE INTERCOM. ROZ (CONT'D) With radio personality Stalker Crane... FRASIER Help me, Roz. I've got to find her, and get my life back. ROZ Because of a watch from your ex-wife of four years? Please, Frasier, I've tossed romantic gifts in less than four minutes. FRASIER Jewelry? ROZ Well, I hock that. I'm not stupid. FRASIER But it was the last expression of love she ever gave to me... When we had all the time in the world to -- ROZ And three, two, one. (ON AIR) We're back. Dr. Crane, our last caller is Dirk - he's having a problem with his brother... A FAMILIAR VOICE COMES OVER THE SPEAKER. NILES (V.O.) Now I've got my brother's ants in my own apartment! And they're looting the Belgian cedar chest! FRASIER Oh, lighten up, "Dirk". NILES (V.O.) They've formed a gang and they want to get The Man! And I don't know who to bribe to catch them! FRASIER LEAPS OUT OF THE CHAIR. FRASIER Yes!! Dirk, you've solved the problem. Meet with your brother and trap them together! NILES (V.O.) I'm not sure if I can leave, they've barricaded the door! They're coming for me, Frasier... Dead man walking!! CLICK. AS WE: FADE OUT. F A BLACK SCREEN. IN WHITE LETTERS APPEARS "SHAKEN, NOT STIRRED." FADE IN: EXT. CAFé NERVOSA - NIGHT FRASIER AND A SKITTISH NILES APPROACH WEARING TRENCHCOATS. FRASIER I sincerely appreciate this, Niles. NILES As long as I'm out of my apartment. Just don't be shocked if my coat walks away under the power of a thousand tiny legs. HE SCRATCHES VIGOROUSLY. FRASIER Honestly, they can't be that bad. NILES Do you remember A Midsummer's Night's Dream in ninth grade, when I got nauseous all over Puck's slippers? Now, imagine everyone in that audience with six legs and antennae. FRASIER Focus! Concentrate on our plan. NILES Okay, but if anyone in this café has a segmented thorax, I'll freak! I tell you, I'm hopped up like a cracker-head! FRASIER IGNORES HIM. FRASIER Now, you're the shill, do you remember what you're supposed to do? NILES Sit at a table, be witty and urbane, and when she approaches, charm her into a date. But I thought I was supposed to act like you... FRASIER Come on, let's go. INT. CAFé NERVOSA - NIGHT NILES SITS ALONE AT A TABLE, STILL A BIT OVEREAGER. FRASIER GOES TO THE BACK AND HIDES BEHIND A NEWSPAPER, PEERING OUT STEALTHILY. A FEW MOMENTS PASS, AND A NICELY-DRESSED OLDER WOMAN WELL INTO HER 60'S APPROACHES NILES. OLDER WOMAN Excuse me, young man, is this seat taken? NILES LEAPS TO HIS FEET AND GRABS THE OLDER WOMAN'S ARM. NILES Aha! The lawbreaker returns! Give up the loot, Ma Barker! HE FRANTICALLY SEARCHES THE SENIOR CITIZEN'S WRISTS. FRASIER RUNS UP AND TEARS HIM AWAY AS THE WAITRESS RUSHES OVER. WAITRESS What's going on here? OLDER WOMAN This man accosted me! NILES My brother and I have reason to believe this woman is a thief. OLDER WOMAN What?? FRASIER Niles, this woman must be seventy years old! THE SENIOR WHACKS FRASIER WITH HER HANDBAG. FRASIER (CONT'D) ...Fifty years old! NILES You said "well-mannered". And you have been very lonely! FRASIER SPEAKS TO THE CUSTOMERS THAT HAVE GATHERED. FRASIER I'm sorry, gentle people, there's been a terrible mistake. Please forgive my brother and me. Please, we meant no harm. THE GROUP DISPERSES. HE WHISPERS TO NILES. FRASIER Now, let's just relax and see if we can trap our unsuspecting prey! NILES SITS AND FRASIER RETURNS TO HIS HIDING PLACE. MOMENTS PASS... NILES SCRATCHES. A YOUNG WOMAN WITH LONG, WILD HAIR ENTERS THE CAFÉ. SHE LOOKS AROUND, THEN APPROACHES OUR SPY. YOUNGER WOMAN Hi. Anyone sitting here? NILES EYES HER SUSPICIOUSLY. NILES How old are you? YOUNGER WOMAN Twenty-four...? FLASH! NILES HAS HER WRISTS. NILES Siren! Snake-haired Gypsy! Who's the newest jailbird, eh, Sister?? YOUNGER WOMAN Let go of me, you psycho! FRASIER AND HALF THE PATRONS COME TO HER RESCUE. NILES SCRATCHES HIS HEAD. WAITRESS Listen, I think you two have had enough caffeine tonight. Maybe you should leave. NILES Fine. But I may just report this establishment to my father! Or the Orkin Man!! HE SCRATCHES SO VIGOROUSLY HE LOOKS LIKE HE'S HAVING A SEIZURE. FRASIER Niles... THEY ARE ESCORTED OUT. EXT. CAFÉ NERVOSA - NIGHT NILES Did I do wrong? FRASIER Besides convincing every woman in there from ever making the first move again? NILES I'm sorry you didn't get your watch back. FRASIER It's okay, Niles, I'm all right. (BEAT) Being with you here tonight, somehow I just don't feel as foolish as I used to... HE SQUEEZES HIS BROTHER'S SHOULDER... AND PULLS HIS HAND BACK, DISCOVERING AN ANT CRAWLING ACROSS HIS FINGERS. FRASIER Oh! Behold, the lowly ant. A tiny, intrepid explorer... always moving forward... never stopping to analyze the past... never too attached to any heartfelt emotion... HE VIGOROUSLY GRINDS THE ANT INTO A PULP AND FLICKS IT AWAY. FRASIER (CONT'D) Time to kick some insect ass. AS WE: FADE OUT. G FADE IN: INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - DAY OVER THE END CREDITS WE SEE FRASIER AND NILES SCOWLING FACE-TO-FACE. PULL BACK TO REVEAL THEY HAVE SPRAY- BOTTLES AT THEIR HIPS LIKE GUNFIGHTERS. THEY QUICK-DRAW AND SPRAY AT ANTS ON THE FLOOR, THE WALL, ETC. FADE OUT. END OF SHOW |
Screenplay created with Final Draft, which is a darn fine product. (Link goes to Amazon, because I like passive income. #advertising)
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