| The following screenplay is Registered WGA #577040 and Copyright 1994 by Kristian Idol. Use of any material, in whole or in part, is expressly forbidden without prior written consent. |
ACT ONE
SCENE A
INT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY
JERRY AND ELAINE DRINK MALTS. JERRY SNIFFS THE AIR.
JERRY
Do you smell good?
ELAINE
I met someone.
JERRY
The perfumed never lie. Doctor,
lawyer or Indian Chief?
ELAINE
Actually, all three. He's half Lakota
Indian and he has a Masters in
malpractice law.
JERRY
Surely you jest.
ELAINE
I jest not. Peterman was looking at
these tribal medicine curios, and this
hunk walks in and says (DEEP) "Hello,
Elaine" in this gorgeous voice, and I
just went... "Hoo-yaaa!!"
JERRY
You could get a job in construction.
ELAINE
I had to tell Peterman it was a
"female thing". And then Yul took me
in his arms and --
JERRY
Yul??
ELAINE
That's his name, don't wear it out.
JERRY
"Yule" as in the festive December
holiday? Or, as in "you'll" never
have a tan as dark as mine because I
was born with it?
ELAINE
Yul, Y-U-L.
JERRY
So, Mr. Tall-Dark-and-Accented just
walks in and sweeps you off your feet?
ELAINE
Right onto the leopard-print couch.
JERRY
Hello, Judith Krantz!
ELAINE
We're having a barbecue Saturday -
you guys are all invited.
JERRY
Already the barbecue date. Are you
fondling his tongs yet?
ELAINE FURROWS HER BROW.
JERRY (CONT'D)
Yeah, okay, the metaphor doesn't work.
ELAINE
Nah, you were right. Three times this
week. (BEAT) Oh, and he's bald.
JERRY
He's bald and his name is Yul.
ELAINE
Yep.
JERRY
Yul. Bald.
ELAINE IGNORES HIM.
JERRY
(WITH ACCENT) "How do you like Siam?"
ELAINE
Yeah, yeah, I know. Everybody thinks
he looks just like Yul Brynner. "He
looks just like him!" I don't see it.
JERRY
Well, don't tell George about the bald
part, he's already feeling a little
out of sorts lately. He thinks it's a
food thing.
ELAINE
Will he want to come?
JERRY
Oh, sure. He's enjoying the testing
phase of his hypothesis - gained
twelve pounds already.
ELAINE
Okay. You can bring Melanie, too, if
you want.
JERRY
Even the peripheral friends are
invited, this is serious.
ELAINE LUSTILY SLURPS UP THE LAST ICE CREAM DROPS.
ELAINE
Ahhhh!
CUT TO:
ACT ONE
SCENE B
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - NEXT DAY
JERRY WATCHES GEORGE NIBBLE A SPOONFUL OF ICE CREAM
LIKE A CAUTIOUS ANIMAL.
JERRY
Well?
GEORGE
I'm not sure.
JERRY
No reaction?
GEORGE
It's not like it happens in ten
seconds!
KRAMER SHOOTS IN.
KRAMER
Have you got a tweezers, Jerry?
JERRY
What do you need -- Strike that...
KRAMER
Tweezers! I need some tweezers,
Jerry!!
JERRY SHRUGS.
KRAMER (CONT'D)
Damn!! They're never around when you
need them. So, what's up?
GEORGE PUTS DOWN HIS BOWL, GRIMACING.
GEORGE
Ohhh, yeah.
JERRY
Is that it? Ice cream?
GEORGE
Thirty-nine years I enjoy my milk
products, and now I can only pray for
proper digestion. I'm an old man,
Jerry. An old and bloated man.
JERRY
Lactose Intolerance, the milk-lover's
Wile E. Coyote!
GEORGE
Beep beep.
KRAMER
I sorta like that full feeling. You
know, they oughta make foods with a
whole lotta lactose. Pepperoni-and-
lactose pizza, lactose sprinkles,
stuff like that.
GEORGE
Are you insane?!
JERRY
Jury's still out on that one.
Speaking of food, you guys are invited
to a barbecue thrown by Elaine and her
new boyfriend.
GEORGE
As long as he's not a dairy farmer.
One look at those cows and I'm
musical.
KRAMER
Hey, there's a group for you people, you
know. It's called, uh... Lactose
Intolerants Anonymous. Yeah, that's it.
GEORGE
Really?
KRAMER
The L.I.A. A whole bunch of 'em, they
meet every week in that little church
on Fifty-Second.
JERRY
Sixty cramping people in one tiny
room, now there's a situation.
CUT TO:
ACT ONE
SCENE C
INT. MARKET - NIGHT
JERRY DRAGS BEHIND ELAINE LIKE A TIRED FIVE-YEAR-OLD.
JERRY
Laineeee!
ELAINE
You have to help me, Jerry - Yul wants
me to bring the barbecue sauce.
SHE PICKS UP A COUPLE OF JARS AND COMPARES THEM.
ELAINE (CONT'D)
I can't figure out the difference.
There's too many choices! What if he
doesn't like what I pick? What if
barbecue sauce is like this big issue
with him?
JERRY GRABS A JAR.
JERRY
The fate of your life, Elaine, hangs
on "Barbecue Buford".
ELAINE
I don't know. Maybe I should make it
from scratch. Do you have a good
sauce recipe?
JERRY
Oh, yes, we Jews are known for our
zesty barbecue fixin's.
THEY PUT THE SAUCES BACK.
ELAINE
I can't decide - let's take a look at
the fruit. Hey, are you going to
bring Melanie?
JERRY
I'm not sure.
ELAINE
Really? Why not?
JERRY
Nothing.
ELAINE
Is there a problem?
JERRY
Nope.
ELAINE STARES HIM DOWN.
JERRY (CONT'D)
It's... her dog.
ELAINE
But you like dogs.
JERRY
Oh, I do. I am a dog fancier. I can
think of no more useful member of the
animal kingdom than the common
domesticated canine! Long live the dog!
ELAINE
But?
JERRY
It's a yipper.
ELAINE
Ah.
THEY REACH THE PRODUCE SECTION.
JERRY
She has this tiny Miniature Dachshund
with this annoying bark - Bip! Bip!
Bip! It sounds like one of those
little toy plastic hammers. Bip! Bip!
ELAINE & JERRY
(JOINING) Bip! Bip! Bip! Bip!
AN ELDERLY MAN LOOKS ASKANCE AT THEM.
ELAINE
Take a picture! (TO JERRY) So, is
she coming or not?
JERRY
She'll wanna bring the little rat...
ELAINE
Well, bring them both and see how they
relate to the peripherals.
JERRY
That sounds like a band. "The
Peripherals, on the edge of the music
industry, they were just not quite
popular!"
ELAINE
Not quite funny.
JERRY
Ah, get your own career.
ELAINE ABSENTMINDEDLY RUNS HER HAND OVER THE SMOOTH
SURFACE OF A HONEYDEW MELON.
JERRY
Anything I can help you with, ma'am?
ELAINE
Oh! They, uh... remind me of Yul.
JERRY
I thought you were having your bodice
ripped three times a week.
ELAINE
It's his head. It's so smooth, it's
actually kind of erotic!
JERRY
I don't even wanna know what you think
about kumquats.
ELAINE
Definite Kramer territory here.
JERRY
Yeah... or is it more George-esque?
ELAINE
Where is he tonight, anyway?
CUT TO:
ACT ONE
SCENE D
INT. CHURCH MEETING ROOM - SAME TIME
GEORGE STANDS ANXIOUSLY BEHIND A PODIUM AND
MICROPHONE.
GEORGE
Hello, my name is George... and I have
a problem with dairy products.
INTOLERANTS (O.S.)
Hello, George.
FROM THE BACK OF THE ROOM COMES A SMALL BURP.
CUT TO:
ACT ONE
SCENE E
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
GEORGE EXCITEDLY EXPLAINS HIS JOY.
GEORGE
And then we all recited the Five Steps
to Grateful Digestion together, and I
felt like... like I was home again,
Jerry!
JERRY
Home.
GEORGE
I've found a new set of friends that I
can trust with my most intimate
secrets.
JERRY
Secrets.
GEORGE
I mean, I'm not dumping you guys or
anything. These friends just have a
special place, you know?
JERRY
As they should.
GEORGE
A higher power controls my bowel,
Jerry.
JERRY
Is everyone channelling Kramer now?
GEORGE
Well, enough about my rapture. I'll
see ya later, Easy-Digester.
GEORGE BOUNCES OUT.
CUT TO:
ACT ONE
SCENE F
INT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY
JERRY AND ELAINE EAT. KRAMER ENTERS.
KRAMER
Jerry! Have you got a Q-tip?
JERRY SHAKES HIS HEAD.
KRAMER
Super-glue? (NO RESPONSE) Tin
snips?? (NEGATIVE) Damn!!
HE SITS AND LOOKS STEALTHILY AROUND BEFORE SHARING
A SECRET.
KRAMER
(SOTTO) Hey, ask me how I'm gonna
make a million dollars. Go ahead,
ask me.
JERRY AND ELAINE ROLL THEIR EYES.
KRAMER
Ask me!!
THEY STARE AT HIM.
KRAMER (CONT'D)
Okay, I got this friend, Dwayne, he
started a comic book, right?
Superheroes and stuff. POW! Ka-BANG!
And he makes a mint off this stuff,
Jerry, a mint!
JERRY LOOKS TO ELAINE, WHO'S NODDING.
ELAINE
You get royalties every time the
character appears anywhere in the
world. It can be very lucrative.
KRAMER
Lu-crative. So, anyway, I was
thinking about George and his problem
and then it hit me. (SLAPS FOREHEAD)
Zowie!! "Puffy the Pig"!
SILENCE.
JERRY
Say that again?
KRAMER
Puffy the Pig. He's a pig. And he's
puffy. And he battles crime.
ELAINE
Your million-dollar superhero is
"Puffy the Pig"?
KRAMER
Absitively.
JERRY
Well, it's no Superman.
ELAINE
How is that any different than Porky
Pig?
KRAMER
Well, he's not fat, he's just...
(MAKES FACES) puffy.
JERRY
Maybe it's a thyroid thing.
KRAMER
Yeah! But that's not all.
JERRY PLAYS INFOMERCIAL HOST.
JERRY
There's more?
KRAMER
I've got a catch phrase that'll sweep
the nation.
ELAINE
More royalties...
KRAMER HOLDS UP HIS HAND AND BOBS LIKE A REAR-WINDOW DOLL.
KRAMER
S-s-s-see ya!
ELAINE
That's it?
JERRY
Th-th-that's all, folks.
GEORGE ENTERS.
GEORGE
Hey.
KRAMER
S-s-s-see ya!!
GEORGE
I just got here.
ELAINE
Take my spot - I've heard it all
today. Bye, guys.
ELAINE EXITS.
KRAMER
S-s-s-see ya!
JERRY
(TO GEORGE) Kramer was just
hallucinating that two words will make
him a millionaire.
GEORGE
"Not guilty"?
KRAMER TAKES OUT A VERY LARGE CIGAR.
KRAMER
Cashish. Dough-re-me. Moo-la-la.
JERRY
Now, if he can just get enough people
to imitate a bloated pig...
GEORGE HOLDS UP HIS HAND AND GESTURES.
GEORGE
Sa-see-ya! S-s-s-see ya!
KRAMER LEANS BACK, AND CHOMPS ON THE GIANT SMOKE.
KRAMER
Bahama mamas, here I come!
CUT TO:
ACT ONE
SCENE G
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
GEORGE POPS PEANUTS INTO HIS MOUTH.
GEORGE
This is great! All along I thought it
was nuts, but it's not! Do you think
Elaine will have nuts at the barbecue?
JERRY
Oh, I'm sure there'll be one or two...
GEORGE
So, you're bringing Melanie then?
JERRY
Depends.
GEORGE
On what?
JERRY
On whether Peter will mind.
GEORGE
Who's Peter?
JERRY
The dog.
GEORGE
The dog? You're being thrown over by
a wiener-dog?
JERRY
You don't know the half of it. "Peter
doesn't want us to go out." "Peter
says to eat now." "Peter thinks we
should keep our clothes on." It's
like he's some sort of doggy Pope,
using his canine catechism to decide
our spiritual union!
GEORGE
What kind of goofball names their dog
Peter?
JERRY
I think she named him after somebody.
GEORGE
Like Peter the Great or something?
(SNORTS) Maybe this dog conquered
Europe. Hey, maybe he sings folk
songs with Paul and Mary!
JERRY PLACES HIS HAND ON GEORGE'S SHOULDER.
JERRY
I know that it's exciting to attempt
humor... But the trapeze artist
doesn't allow his friends up into the
air, now does he?
GEORGE
No.
JERRY
Okay then. Anyway, she'll be bringing
the dog to this barbecue deal.
GEORGE'S DEMEANOR DARKENS.
GEORGE
I don't get along very well with dogs.
JERRY
This is not surprising.
GEORGE
My parents got a dog when I was eight.
(DEADLY SERIOUS) Fluffy. I swore I'd
make them rue the day when Fluffy came
to town!!
JERRY
Not a nice dog, Fluffy?
GEORGE
She'd pee on me when they weren't
looking. To this day my father thinks
I was lying! "Where else would it
have come from?", I asked him, "Where
else?!"
JERRY CONSIDERS THIS WHEN KRAMER SKITTERS IN -
WEARING A FLORID SHIRT THAT'S OUT OF CONTROL EVEN
FOR KRAMER.
JERRY
You like dogs, Kramer?
KRAMER
I love dogs - they're my kind of
people. Except those little yappy
ones... Bap! Bap! Bap! Bap!
JERRY'S INTERCOM BUZZES - HE PRESSES.
JERRY
Yeah?
ELAINE (O.S.)
It's me.
JERRY
(WITH ACCENT) "Come on up to Siam."
ELAINE (O.S.)
Ha, ha.
JERRY PUNCHES THE OTHER BUTTON.
JERRY
So, Kramer, ever known a dog named...
HE SPINS TO FACE GEORGE LIKE A GLOATING PROSECUTOR.
JERRY (CONT'D)
Fluffy??
GEORGE GLOWERS.
KRAMER
Nope. Sounds like a fine name for a
pet, though. "Fluffy." Fluffy! Fluu-
feeeee. (WHISTLES) Here, Fluffy!
HEY FLUFFY!!!
GEORGE
All right, all right, that's enough!!
KRAMER
Whoa, Georgie, a little testy.
Calcium deficiency, I'd bet.
GEORGE
Next subject, please.
KRAMER
Tomorrow, two p.m., I meet with the
Editor-in-Chief of Marvel Comics.
JERRY
(WITH AWE) Superhero Central.
KRAMER
I'm telling ya, this catches on, the
babes will be all over me like
Spiderman's webs!
JERRY
Now that's an appealing image...
ELAINE STRUGGLES IN CARRYING A HUGE FRUIT SALAD.
REALLY HUGE, LIKE IN A PUNCH BOWL.
JERRY
You brought a fruit salad all the way
from downtown?
ELAINE
I had to, Jerry, I've got no more room
in my refrigerator! You should have
seen me tearing down the street -
"Outta my way, I got warm fruit here!"
KRAMER
Yeah, I heard you like the fruit.
ELAINE
What?
KRAMER
Smooth and slippery like Yul's head.
JERRY
Kramer!
ELAINE
Jerry!
GEORGE
Your boyfriend's not bald, is he?
ELAINE
Mmmmmaybe.
GEORGE
You said you'd never date a bald guy.
JERRY
She has seen the light.
KRAMER
Yeah, it's shining off his head!
GEORGE
I thought you didn't like guys who
are losing their hair.
ELAINE
Well... thinning is different.
GEORGE
How is it different?
JERRY
I think what Elaine's trying to say is
that the man with thinning hair is not
completely bald.
ELAINE
And therefore... just not as sexy.
JERRY
It's like the Mets. Technically, they
are a baseball team, but somehow
they're just not all the way there.
KRAMER
Yeah, bald guys are sexy all right.
They got all that testosterone
shooting through their system...
JERRY
You know, Elaine's boyfriend could be
a cartoon character. "Chrome-Dome!
Using his blinding reflection to stun
the hirsute!"
JERRY POINTS HIS FOREHEAD LIKE A WEAPON. GEORGE
AND ELAINE FROWN.
KRAMER
"The Bald Eagle."
JERRY PUTS HIS HANDS ON HIS HIPS, IMAGINARY CAPE
FLYING.
JERRY
Reflecto!
KRAMER
Sphero-Skull.
JERRY
Rogainer!
KRAMER
Cueball.
THEY'RE BOTH PROUD OF THEMSELVES. GEORGE HUFFS TO
THE DOOR.
GEORGE
I don't think I appreciate this
discussion. I'm going to be with my
real friends, people who won't tease a
man about his... condition. (ANGRILY)
S-s-s-see ya!
HE EXITS.
KRAMER
"Intolerant Man."
ELAINE
You know, he's right, that was really
mean. If I didn't want Yul to meet my
best friends so badly, I'd dump you all!
ELAINE EXITS.
JERRY
Did that last sentence make sense to
you?
KRAMER
Wasn't listening. Looks like it's
just you and me, Jer.
JERRY
Friends forever.
KRAMER
Yessiree-bob.
JERRY
Nothing could tear us apart.
KRAMER
Nossiree-Fred.
JERRY
That's one damn ugly shirt, though.
KRAMER SPASMS.
FADE OUT
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
SCENE H
INT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY
JERRY APOLOGIZES TO ELAINE OVER SANDWICHES.
JERRY
I just got carried away!
ELAINE
Uh-huh.
JERRY
It's the comic genius. Sometimes it's
on auto-pilot!
ELAINE SIMULATES A PLANE WITH HER HAND AND CRASHES
IT INTO THE TABLE, COMPLETE WITH SOUND EFFECTS.
JERRY
Well, I want to invite Melanie to your
barbecue. I've decided that she's
important enough that I should work
through the minor problems.
ELAINE
You bought a muzzle for the dog.
JERRY
Yes I did.
ELAINE
Of course, now I'm not sure I want
to go...
JERRY
What?
ELAINE
It's a long story.
JERRY
I have deep ears.
ELAINE
Okay. (BEAT) Yul and I are in bed,
and he's kissing my ankles... which is
kind of interesting, right? And then
he kisses my calves, that's nice, and
then the inside of my knees, which is
real nice. And then he moves up--
JERRY
Stop.
ELAINE
What?
JERRY
You're entering the Demilitarized
Zone. We agreed on this before,
remember?
ELAINE LOOKS CONFUSED.
JERRY (CONT'D)
Remember, we agreed that talking about
sex was okay, but specific events with
current lovers was the DMZ.
ELAINE
And I'm crossing the DMZ?
JERRY
With guns and tanks a-blazin', baby.
ELAINE
Huh. (BEAT) Okay, so anyway... Now
he's kissing my thigh, which is
reeeeally nice, and I can feel his
breath, and I look down, and his head
is... shining, you know, in the
moonlight, and all I can think of is...
SHE PAUSES. JERRY SHRUGS IN IGNORANCE.
ELAINE
"Cueball".
JERRY
That's... too bad.
ELAINE
Cueball. Cueball! Can you believe
it?!
JERRY
What did you do?
ELAINE
Well, I thought about shopping for a
while, and I'd put it out of my mind,
but he's nibbling my thigh and oh...
approaching... you know...
SHE PAUSES AGAIN.
JERRY
The amusement park.
ELAINE
Right, so when he gets...
JERRY
On the Ferris wheel...
ELAINE
Yes, when he gets there, he needs...
guidance.
JERRY
As lesser men do...
ELAINE
Uh-huh... but he has no hair for me to
grab onto, for...
JERRY
Guidance.
ELAINE
Exactly, because it's all so smooth,
right? So I held on to...
JERRY SHRUGS AGAIN.
ELAINE
His ears.
JERRY
Hangin' on to his ears.
ELAINE
So here I was having this wonderful,
playful time in bed with this sexy
man, when I realize that I'm hanging
onto a cueball with ears, and... and
the amusement park just closed.
JERRY
Gooood night!
ELAINE
S-s-s-see ya!
SHE TAKES A FEW BITES. JERRY PUSHES AWAY HIS
LEFTOVERS.
JERRY
We can't talk sex around food anymore.
I don't eat dinner in bed, I don't
make love in the kitchen...
ELAINE
There's your mistake right there, my
friend.
JERRY
Don't touch my dessert, okay?
CUT TO:
ACT TWO
SCENE J
INT. COSTANZA'S KITCHEN - NIGHT
GEORGE FINISHES DINNER WITH HIS PARENTS.
GEORGE
Okay, remember, tomorrow night I'll be
at Elaine's barbecue instead of here.
ESTELLE
You should eat with us.
GEORGE
I just ate with you, Ma.
ESTELLE
Are we that difficult to get along
with? We're not lepers, you know.
FRANK
Leave the boy alone, will you?
ESTELLE
I just think that as long as a son's
parents are alive, he should eat with
them, that's all. Is that too much to
ask?
GEORGE RUBS HIS DIAPHRAGM.
FRANK
Now you've given him heartburn, will
you leave him be already?
GEORGE
No, I think it was the sauce, Pop.
ESTELLE
What's the matter with my sauce? I
worked all day on that sauce, young
man!
FRANK
All day. You spent 15 minutes on the
damn sauce if you spent a second. All
day, she says!
ESTELLE
Fifteen minutes! How would you --
GEORGE
Milk! It's the milk in the sauce, I
can't digest it!
FRANK
Well, why didn't you say something?
HE REACHES INTO HIS SWEATER POCKET AND HANDS GEORGE
A BOTTLE OF PILLS.
FRANK (CONT'D)
Here, take these. It runs in the
family - Uncle Vito's Curse.
ESTELLE
(CONFIDING) He won't take the pills.
GEORGE
These really work? Hey, thanks, Pop.
ESTELLE
You'll be fine. Just take a few of
those next time you have my sauce,
which I spend all day on!
CUT TO:
ACT TWO
SCENE K
INT. MARVEL COMICS - EXECUTIVE'S OFFICE - DAY
A STUFFY EXEC SITS BEHIND A HUGE DESK. THE LITTLE
SUPERHERO STATUES ON THE DESK CLASH WITH THE UTTERLY
HUMORLESS BUSINESSMAN.
KRAMER WEARS A PLASTIC PIG NOSE AND A RED BATH TOWEL
AS A CAPE.
EXECUTIVE
Say that again?
KRAMER
Puffy the Pig.
EXECUTIVE
Is that it?
KRAMER
Uh... yeah, I guess. No! (INVENTING)
He has a sidekick. Um, uh... Happy
Dog. Puffy the Pig and Yappy Dog,
sure! Battling crime and protecting
society!
EXECUTIVE
And scaring the neighbor children.
Thank you, Mr. Kramer, but Marvel
Comics is not interested. Good-bye.
THE EXEC STANDS.
KRAMER
Are you sure?
EXECUTIVE
Good afternoon, Mr. Kramer.
KRAMER
How about a smaller royalty agreement?
EXECUTIVE
Good bye.
KRAMER
Pork is the other white meat, you
know!
THE EXECUTIVE PUSHES A BUTTON ON HIS PHONE.
EXECUTIVE
Security!
KRAMER
Oh, Security, is it? Well, it'll take
a mighty impressive lumberjack to
remove the creator of Puffy the Pig, I
can tell you that!
A VERY TALL BRUNETTE APPEARS - DRESSED IN A WONDER
WOMAN COSTUME.
WONDER
Problems, Mr. Marvel?
KRAMER IS IMMEDIATELY SOOTHED BY THE VISION OF THIS
AMAZON.
KRAMER
Oooh.
CUT TO:
ACT TWO
SCENE L
EXT. YUL'S BACKYARD - NEXT DAY
ELAINE STANDS BY A PICNIC TABLE OF FOOD AS JERRY AND
MELANIE APPROACH. AND THERE'S THE TINY WIENER-DOG
IN MEL'S ARMS, WEARING A TINY RHINESTONE MUZZLE.
JERRY
Hi Elaine, this is Melanie.
Melanie, Elaine.
THE DOG GROWLS.
ELAINE
Nice to meet you.
THE DOG GROWLS AGAIN. JERRY GRITS HIS TEETH.
MELANIE
I've heard a lot about you.
YIP!
ELAINE
All good, I hope, ha-ha! Are you
having a good time?
RRRRRRRRRR...
MELANIE
Oh sure. I understand the host looks
just like Yul Brynner!
YIP! YIP! YIP!
JERRY
(TO DOG) Shut up!!
MELANIE AND ELAINE STARE AT JERRY.
JERRY (CONT'D)
Perhaps the dog would like to mingle.
JERRY PULLS MELANIE OFF. GEORGE APPROACHES.
GEORGE
So, where is this Yul guy?
ELAINE
Speak of ze devil.
AND HERE COMES YUL - WHO LOOKS NOTHING LIKE YUL
BRYNNER WHATSOEVER. HE AND GEORGE SHAKE HANDS.
YUL
You must be George.
GEORGE
I can't believe it. The resemblance
is uncanny!
THEY CONTINUE SHAKING HANDS.
GEORGE (CONT'D)
It's incredible. Yul Brynner. You
look just like Yul Brynner!
YUL LOOKS STERNLY AT ELAINE AS GEORGE GOES TO THE
TABLE OF FOOD. JERRY AND MELANIE RETURN WITHOUT
THE DACHSHUND.
ELAINE
Where's the dog?
JERRY
Visiting the broom closet.
ELAINE
Indeed. So, Jerry, Melanie, this is
my friend Yul.
YUL TURNS TO THEM AND SOMETHING SHINES IN THEIR
FACES. THEY SHIELD THEIR EYES.
JERRY
Hi.
YUL
Hello, Jerry, Melanie.
JERRY AND HIS DATE SQUINT FROM THE LIGHT AS THEY
SHAKE.
JERRY
Wow. You really do look like him.
YUL PULLS HIS HAND AWAY AND EXITS SCOWLING.
ELAINE
Jerry!
JERRY
I'm sorry, it's just... wow!
MELANIE NODS AGREEMENT. ELAINE STEWS.
JERRY (CONT'D)
The sun was in my eyes!
ANGRY, ELAINE SEES GEORGE DEVOURING SOME CHIPS
AND DIP.
ELAINE
Suck it up, Costanza!
GEORGE
Is this your dip? This is incredible!
ELAINE
Yes it is. It's the cream.
GEORGE
Cream?! But I've been eating this
stuff all day!
GEORGE REACHES FOR HIS PILLS, BUT CAN'T FIND THEM
ANYWHERE ON HIS PERSON.
GEORGE
Omigod. Omigod. I had them. They
were on the dresser, and then I put
them -- (BEAT) Oh my God in Heaven!!
(GRABS ELAINE) Do you have any
lactase pills, Elaine??
ELAINE
I don't need them! (PUSHES HIM OFF)
Ask Jerry.
GEORGE
Jerry, I need some pills now! You've
got to help me find some pills!!
JERRY
Gotta get that monkey off your back,
my friend. Just say no.
GEORGE
Do you know where I can find some?
JERRY
Dammit, George, I'm a comedian, not a
pharmacist!
GEORGE RUNS OFF.
MELANIE
I take it that was George.
JERRY
What gave it away?
CUT TO:
ACT TWO
SCENE M
EXT. DIFFERENT AREA OF BACKYARD - LATER
KRAMER AND JERRY CONVERSE. KRAMER IS WEARING THE
PIG NOSE AND TOWEL AGAIN.
KRAMER
Have you met the Yul-meister yet?
Looks just like Yul Brynner - he could
be one of those celebrity doubles.
JERRY
I know, but don't tell Elaine, she'll
get all huffy. Hey, did Marvel go for
your idea?
KRAMER
Yes and no...
JERRY
What do you mean?
KRAMER
Well, one executive said no... and one
said yes.
A FAMILIAR WOMAN STRIDES OVER AND LOOPS HER ARM IN
KRAMER'S. IT'S MARVEL'S SECURITY, COMPLETE WITH
COSTUME.
THERESA
How's my little superhero, hmmm?
JERRY
Gadzooks!
GEORGE APPROACHES.
GEORGE
There she is. The woman who mellowed
me right out.
JERRY
You stuck him in the broom closet?
GEORGE
Joke all you want, Mr. Comedy, but
this woman saved my life.
JERRY
You mean...?
THERESA
I'm a member of L.I.A., too.
JERRY
Great Ceasar's ghost!
GEORGE
Yes, I want to tell everyone within
earshot that this woman is a bona-fide
hero, all right. She's like some kind
of... some kind of wonder woman!
KRAMER
Oh, yes she is.
CUT TO:
ACT TWO
SCENE N
INT. YUL'S KITCHEN - NIGHT
JERRY & MELANIE (WITH DOG), KRAMER & THERESA AND
GEORGE BANTER LIGHTLY AS ELAINE WALKS UP.
ELAINE
So, what do you all think of my guy?
THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER NERVOUSLY.
ELAINE (CONT'D)
What?
ANOTHER UNCOMFORTABLE PAUSE.
ELAINE (CONT'D)
What??
JERRY
He shakes hands too long.
GEORGE
Three and a half, maybe four seconds.
Far too long.
KRAMER
Toooo long.
MELANIE'S DOG GROWLS.
ELAINE
You guys!
JERRY
And the reflection off his forehead...
MELANIE
It was really bright, Elaine!
GEORGE
Even I don't gleam that much.
KRAMER
Toooo shiny.
YIP! YIP!
ELAINE
(TO DOG) Shut up!! (TO JERRY) At
least I'm not letting my dog control
the relationship.
MELANIE IS TAKEN ABACK. ELAINE FUMES.
ELAINE (CONT'D)
His handshake? His head? And I don't
care if he blinds the entire city of
New York! I can't believe how
intolerant you people are. We invite
you over and serve you food and this
is what we get?? Well, I'm staying
with him, baby, all the way to San
José! In a thousand years Yul would
never act so petty!
CUT TO:
ACT TWO
SCENE P
INT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY
YUL AND ELAINE LOOK VERY SERIOUS.
ELAINE
You're dumping me?!
YUL
It's your friends - they're a bit
strange.
ELAINE
What do you mean, "strange"?
YUL
Well... Jerry seems okay, but he's
always talking about these little
inconsequential things. And George,
wolfing down all that food, like some
sort of animal! He was double-
dipping, you know. And Kramer...
HE VIBRATES IN HIS SEAT.
ELAINE
What about me? You like me, don't
you? I thought we were getting
serious.
YUL
Well...
ELAINE
Spill it, Shine-ola.
YUL
Okay. Do you remember that night we
made love in the moonlight --
ELAINE
Of course I do.
YUL
And I was kissing up your legs, and
nibbling --
ELAINE
Yes.
YUL
Well... This may seem trivial... but I
just couldn't stop thinking, "Hitler's
mustache, Hitler's mustache!"
FADE OUT
END OF SHOW
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