| The following screenplay is Registered WGA #522844 and Copyright 1993 by Kristian Idol. Use of any material, in whole or in part, is expressly forbidden without prior written consent. |
ACT ONE
SCENE X
INT. JERRY'S OFFICE - DAY
THE WRITERS ARE VIRTUALLY MOTIONLESS. JERRY SITS
AT HIS DESK, STARING AT THE TOP, FINGERS ENTANGLED
IN HIS HAIR. GRANT IS SEATED AT THE ROUND TABLE, A
STATUE WITH A PEN. BOBBY SPRAWLS ON ONE END OF THE
COUCH, EYES TO THE CEILING.
BOBBY
"Blocked"... "Frustrated"... "Dried-
up"... uh... "Uncreative"...
JERRY
Bobby, don't! We've got to end this
block, and I'm trying to think, okay?
We've got to think!
BOBBY
"Think"... "Ponder"... "Ruminate"...
THE DOOR BURSTS OPEN, JACKIE POPS HIS HEAD IN.
JACKIE
Guys, I decided I need that outline in
an hour. Just remember, write like your
jobs depend on it... because they do!
JUST AS QUICKLY, JACKIE'S HEAD POPS OUT.
BOBBY
"Unemployed"... "Destitute"...
"Homeless"...
CUT TO:
MAIN TITLES
ACT ONE
SCENE A
INT. JERRY'S OFFICE - A FEW MINUTES LATER
JERRY DRUMS HIS FINGERS ON THE ARMRESTS OF HIS
CHAIR. BOBBY IS SPRAWLED ON THE OTHER END OF THE
COUCH. GRANT HAS NOT MOVED A MILLIMETER.
LAURA BREEZES IN CARRYING THREE FAMILIAR BOXES.
LAURA
Okay guys, here's the pizzas!
SHE HANDS THEM OUT.
LAURA
Pineapple-anchovy- (RE: STAIN) grease-
sludge surprise for Bobby...
SHE WIPES HER FINGERS ON THE BOX.
LAURA (CONT'D)
Jerry's usual cheese and mushroom...
LAURA FLIRTS BUT JERRY IS TOO FRAZZLED TO RESPOND.
LAURA
How do you like my gift?
JERRY
The pizza?
LAURA
The watch!
JERRY
Oh, yeah.
HE FORCES A PAINFULLY PLASTIC SMILE AND HOLDS UP HIS
WRIST, DISPLAYING A BUTTON-ENCRUSTED SPORTS WATCH.
LAURA
A hundred and forty-three functions...
JERRY
I know, but--
LAURA
They took it to Mt. Everest, you know.
JERRY
Yes, I'll remember that if I ever
write sitcoms with Sir Edmund Hilary.
I love the watch and thanks for the
pizza, Laura. Now we need to be alone
and get to work.
LAURA
I spent six dollars on it.
JERRY
The watch?!
LAURA
The pizza!!
JERRY
Uh-huh. Well, give Grant his present--
er... pizza and we'll be on with it,
okay?
LAURA BRINGS THE LAST BOX OVER TO GRANT AT THE
ROUND TABLE.
LAURA
And green olive for Grant.
HE STILL STARES INTO SPACE.
LAURA
What's wrong with Grant?
JERRY TRIES TO REPROACH THROUGH A MOUTHFUL OF PIZZA.
JERRY
Mmblgrm.
GULP.
JERRY (CONT'D)
Laura, look... (SIGHS; SHE'S NOT
GOING AWAY) Ohh, Laura, this ratings
disaster is just crushing us. Jackie
wants the outline for the last show in
an hour and we are so blocked, and
(RE: GRANT) one-third of my staff is
on Planet Pluto.
HE TAKES AN AGGRESSIVE BITE OF PIZZA.
LAURA
Roseanne is really killing us, isn't
she?
JERRY TRIES SPEECH-WITH-PIZZA AGAIN.
JERRY
Rglrmug. (SWALLOW) Ratings. I hate
the Nielsen family! I hate 'em! Mr.
and Mrs. Nielsen never should have
gotten married!
HE TAKES ANOTHER FIERCE BITE. LAURA POUTS FOR A
SECOND, THEN BRIGHTENS AND TURNS TO GRANT. SHE
WAVES A TEMPTING PIECE OF PIZZA IN HIS FACE.
LAURA
Hellooo, Grant. It's Mr. Green
Ahh-live! I want you to eeeat
meee...
THE ONLY PART OF GRANT THAT MOVES IS HIS MOUTH, AND
EVEN THAT'S PRETTY SUBTLE.
GRANT
(HAZY) Black. I wanted black
olives. I'm a black man, and I want
black olives.
JERRY
Next time, Spike Lee. Right now we
need a bang-up second act closer.
Thanks, Laura.
LAURA
Bang-up, eh? (BEAT) How about,
Jackie "bangs-up" his car. Ha, ha!
JERRY
Thank you, Laura, I think we can take
it from here.
LAURA
C'mon, let me help.
JERRY GIVES UP AND SLUMPS IN HIS CHAIR. LAURA
TRIES A HEARTFELT RALLY.
LAURA
Listen, everything you need to develop
rich, wonderful story ideas already
exists inside each one of you. Just
tap into your inner self and become
friends with your powerful creative
resources!
PAUSE.
JERRY
You've been smoking the mushrooms from
my pizza, haven't you?
BOBBY
Hey, could you levitate over to the
Mini-Mart for some garlic?
LAURA
You guys! I read that in a book,
"Writing Your Movie in Three Days".
JERRY
Three days?!
LAURA
Well, the last day is for rewriting,
of course.
JERRY
Ack! Who writes that crapola?
LAURA
It is not crapola! (UNSURE) The
author's name is Petey Barnes.
BOBBY
Wasn't he the little dog in the "Our
Gang" series?
JERRY GETS UP, GRABS LAURA'S ARM AND LEADS HER
TOWARDS THE DOOR.
JERRY
Well, Ms. Miller, maybe your doggie
scriptwriter can spend three days
licking his creative juices, but we--
LAURA
Resources, Jerry, creative resources.
JERRY
Right. Look, Laura, we really need
some time to just wrap this up. Thank
you, hon. Bye-bye.
HE OPENS THE DOOR.
LAURA
I want to help, Je--
AND PUSHES HER OUT.
BOBBY
She gets kind of like Mom Junior
sometimes, doesn't she?
JERRY
Ah, she means well. She's just trying
so hard it bothers me, you know? I
mean, how dense do you have to be not
to leave writers alone?
JACKIE'S FACE POPS IN AGAIN.
JACKIE
Hi, guys. Just thought I'd let you
know I need that outline in fifty
minutes.
JERRY
Look, Jackie... We're all really
blocked here.
JACKIE
Hey, I understand. (HE WALKS IN)
Try some Kaopectate in a beer.
(CONFIDENTIALLY TO JERRY) One time I
was real blocked up, but a little
'Kao cocktail' and whoosh!, I was
back on the ol' throne for an hour.
Used up a whole can of Lysol
afterwards, but I felt great!
JERRY
Wonderful. No, Jackie, I mean
writer's block. I'm not sure we can
have this outline for you in fifty
minutes.
JACKIE
Forty-eight, but who's counting?
(BEAT) Besides me. (BEAT) And Doug
and all the network guys. (NOTICING
GRANT) What's wrong with him, why
isn't he writing?
GRANT IS MINDLESSLY PICKING THE OLIVES OFF HIS
PIZZA AND PLACING THEM INTO A NEAT LITTLE PILE.
JACKIE WALKS OVER.
JACKIE
No wonder he can't write, man, he's
got the wrong olives on his pizza!
Why would you give a black man green
olives?
BOBBY
Jackie Thomas and Spike Lee. (RAISES
FIST) Power to the people.
GRANT STARES FORLORNLY AT HIS 'ZA.
JACKIE
Hey, I don't get that, but me and
Spike Lee are like brothers. You
know, like Boyz Under the Hood.
That reminds me, I gotta call him
for a copy of that X-rated movie he
did.
JERRY AND BOBBY LOOK AT EACH OTHER. JERRY IS
AFRAID TO ASK.
JERRY
Malcolm X?!
JACKIE
Yeah, I've never seen a porno with
black chicks before. Maybe my buddy
Curt can help you guys. He's written
lots of porno. Man, he comes up with
some great ideas, like one time, the
Head Nurse walks into the barber shop--
JERRY
Jackie, Jackie, look, I think we can
solve this all by ourselves. No
nurses, and no more writers, okay?
JACKIE
Yeah, okay. But I'm gonna do some
research anyway.
BOBBY
It's a dirty job, but Jackie's gotta
do it twice.
JACKIE
You betcha. So, what've you guys got
so far?
JERRY LOOKS NERVOUSLY AT BOBBY.
JERRY
Well, um... So far the best idea
looks like a take-off on "Casablanca".
JACKIE
All right! That was one of Columbus'
ships, wasn't it?
OFF JERRY'S REACTION, BOBBY SMIRKS.
JACKIE (CONT'D)
Yeah, we could flood the studio with a
million gallons of water, just like
the movies! I'm gonna get right over
to Props and get me a cool pirate hat!
AND WITH THAT, HE RUNS OUT. JERRY LOOKS PLEADINGLY
TO BOBBY, WHO SHRUGS.
BOBBY
If we're lucky, maybe we can sink
Captain Jackie's ship.
JERRY
Somewhere, there's a cannonball with
Jackie's face on it.
AND WE:
DISSOLVE TO:
ACT ONE
SCENE B
INT. JERRY'S OFFICE - LATER
JERRY PACES LIKE A MADMAN. BOBBY IS UPSIDE DOWN ON
THE COUCH, FEET OVER THE BACK, HEAD NEARLY ON THE
FLOOR. GRANT COULD BE A MANNEQUIN.
JERRY
I can't believe you're laying there
with only (GLANCES AT WATCH) thirty-
six minutes left.
BOBBY
Jerry, buddy, you gotta learn to
relax. (PATTING CUSHION) Take a load
off.
JERRY
I can't, I can't. (STARING AT WATCH)
We only have thirty-five minutes and
twenty seconds to finish. (BEAT) I
mean, thirty-five minutes, fifteen
seconds. (BEAT) Now it's only thirty-
five minutes ten--
BOBBY
Laura never should've given you a
digital watch, Jerry.
JERRY
Yeah. (BEAT) But listen to this.
JERRY STOPS PACING AND PRESSES THE WATCH. A TINY
FEMALE VOICE SQUEAKS FORTH.
WATCH (V.O.)
I love you, Jerry!
JERRY GIVES UP A WISTFUL SMILE.
BOBBY
It sounds like the Time-and-
Temperature lady.
JERRY PRESSES AGAIN.
WATCH (V.O.)
(BEEP!) I love you, Jerry!
BOBBY
That's a lot of commitment from a six-
dollar watch.
JERRY
(BACK TO EARTH) Agh, Laura. We just
get to a nice, comfortable point in
our relationship and now she wants all
this attention. First pizza, then a
watch, what next?
BOBBY
Curtains?
JERRY
That's right! Curtains! But I blow
her off because of Jackie. (BEAT)
Let's finish this outline so I can go
say I'm sorry.
JERRY SITS NORMALLY ON THE COUCH NEXT TO BOBBY, WHO
IS STILL UPSIDE-DOWN.
JERRY
(RE: BOBBY'S POSITION) Does that
really work?
BOBBY
Richard Gere swears by it. And look
who he snagged.
JERRY
No, for writing.
BOBBY
Absolutely. I've thought of some of
my most creative ideas this way. And
it enlarges my eyeballs, too. Try it!
JERRY
I may be desperate, Bobby, but I'm
getting pretty old for this acrobatic
stuff.
BOBBY
Yeah, that's what Laura said.
JERRY
She said that? Well, I'll show that
little scriptwriter wannabe!
JERRY STRUGGLES TO POSITION HIMSELF UPSIDE DOWN.
HE GETS SUCCESSFULLY INVERTED, BUT IS STILL VISIBLY
TENSE AND UNCOMFORTABLE.
JERRY
(NASAL AND UNCONVINCING) Oh yeah,
this is great. (BEAT) I think I'm
blacking out.
BOBBY
Hang on, that's when the
hallucinations start.
A FEW MOMENTS PASS. JERRY STARTS TO RELAX.
JERRY
Oh, look! (POINTING AT CEILING) That
tomato-sauce stain looks just like a
horsie!
BOBBY
Now you're gettin' it.
ANOTHER THOUGHTFUL MOMENT.
JERRY
You know, if we put fluorescent lights
in the floor, we could have a disco.
BOBBY
We'll call it "Club Vertigo-go".
JERRY
Bobby, this isn't working - we have to
get this outline done.
HE CLAMBERS OFF THE COUCH. BOBBY RIGHTS HIMSELF
AND TRIES TO STAND UP, BUT HIS EYES ROLL INTO HIS
HEAD AND HE CRUMBLES TO THE FLOOR. JERRY CROUCHES
TO HELP.
JERRY
Bobby, are you okay?
BOBBY
(DAZED) Whoa. Cool.
JERRY
Bobby, are you okay?
BOBBY
Yeah, I guess. (HOLDING UP HANDS)
What does it mean when there's little
sparks shooting out of your fingertips?
JERRY
How do you feel?
BOBBY
I feel like Grant.
WITHOUT MOVING, GRANT WHIMPERS A MONOSYLLABLE.
GRANT
Uhhur?
JERRY PICKS BOBBY UP OFF THE FLOOR. BOBBY LEANS ON
HIM LIKE A WOUNDED SOLDIER.
JERRY
That's the last time I let you eat the
four-burrito appetizer from Señor
Wang's catering truck.
BOBBY
Si, I think maybe it was all the cough
syrup I poured on top.
JERRY
(EXCITED) But you've got the right
idea about ending this damn block...
JERRY LETS GO AND BOBBY THUNKS TO THE FLOOR AGAIN.
WITHOUT MISSING A BEAT, JERRY PICKS HIM UP AND
PLOPS HIM ON THE COUCH.
JERRY
Sometimes you just have to do non-
writing things. You know, anything to
get your mind off the show.
BOBBY
So what's new?
JERRY
When I was at "Cheers", we used to do
all sorts of weird, creative things to
help us through a block. Some guys
did needlepoint, some would even sing
and dance.
BOBBY
Sounds like sitcom gypsies to me.
JERRY
No, really. There are times when
you're so desperate, singing and
dancing is the only thing that clears
the cobwebs out.
BOBBY
We've only got twenty-six minutes left.
CUT TO:
INT. OUTER OFFICE - SAME TIME
DOUG AND TWO SERIOUS EXECS WALK PAST STEPHANIE'S
DESK.
DOUG
Of course, ultimately the success of
the show depends upon our very
professional, hard-working writers.
DOUG OPENS THE DOOR.
CUT TO:
INT. JERRY'S OFFICE - SAME TIME
JERRY AND BOBBY HAVE THEIR ARMS CROSSED AGAINST
THEIR CHESTS AND KICK THEIR FEET LIKE RUSSIAN
DANCERS.
JERRY & BOBBY
(SINGING FULL VOICE) Scaramouche,
Scaramouche, can you do the Fan-dang-o!!
DOUG SLAMS THE DOOR SHUT.
CUT TO:
INT. OUTER OFFICE
DOUG
Maybe we'll check back later.
AND WE:
DISSOLVE TO:
ACT ONE
SCENE C
INT. JERRY'S OFFICE - A FEW MINUTES LATER
DOUG SNEAKS IN AND CONSPIRATORIALLY PEEKS OUT THE
DOOR BEFORE CLOSING IT.
DOUG
What in blazes is going on in here? I
had to tell the big guys you were
bringing in Fred Astaire as a guest
star!
JERRY
Fred Astaire is dead, Doug.
DOUG
(WHINING) They don't know that! Now,
I may be begging for a heap of
trouble, but is there anything about
the, uh, relationship between you two
that I should know about?
JERRY
No, Doug, we--
BOBBY PUTS HIS ARM AROUND JERRY, PLAYING WITH HIS
HAIR AND GRINNING. JERRY PUSHES HIM AWAY.
JERRY (CONT'D)
We just have twenty-four minutes to
finish the outline for Jackie and we
haven't even started.
DOUG
Haven't started?! Our lives depend on
the season finale, you know!
JERRY & BOBBY
(TOGETHER) We know.
DOUG WALKS OVER TO GRANT.
DOUG
Well, what's wrong with him? And what
is wrong with his pizza?
JERRY
Nevermind!
DOUG
He looks like my step-sister after one
of her sorority Chug-Fests.
JERRY
Doug, I'm afraid Grant is trapped in
The Rewrite Zone.
BOBBY WHISTLES THE "TWILIGHT ZONE" THEME.
BOBBY
(A LA ROD SERLING) Consider this: A
psychotic TV star, a pathetic network
executive and a zombie writer...
JERRY
Bobby...
BOBBY
..struggling with barely a brain
between the three of them...
DOUG
Listen, I've half a mind to tell
Jackie about that.
BOBBY OPENS HIS MOUTH TO RETORT, BUT JERRY'S HAND
FLASHES OUT OVER IT. JERRY SMILES INNOCENTLY WITH
HIS HAND OVER MOST OF BOBBY'S FACE.
JERRY
Okay, Doug, we have to get back to
being busy as little beavers!
DOUG TURNS BACK TO GRANT AND SNAPS HIS FINGERS IN
FRONT OF GRANT'S FACE. NOTHING.
DOUG
Well, okay, as long as this one
doesn't claim any psychotherapy under
Workman's Comp.
JERRY REMOVES HIS HAND FROM BOBBY, WHO GASPS LIKE A
LANDED FISH.
JERRY
(INTERESTED) You can do that?
DOUG
You bet, my whole family's -- uh...
I think I read it somewhere. In the
employee mental... er... manual! How
about them Dodgers, anyway?
JERRY
It's been a long season, hasn't it,
Doug?
DOUG NODS QUIETLY. JERRY AND BOBBY HERD HIM TOWARD THE
DOOR. HE LOOKS BACK AT GRANT AND SHAKES HIS HEAD.
DOUG
He always seemed to be the most normal
one.
BOBBY
This from a man who thinks dogs can
play poker.
DOUG
I'll win it back, you wait. I just
didn't know they could bluff! (BEAT)
And you guys aren't... buddies?
BOBBY PUTS HIS ARM AROUND JERRY AGAIN AND SMILES
THE FAKE PHOTO-OP SMILE. JERRY DISENTANGLES.
JERRY
I assure you, Doug, we're all very
manly around here.
JACKIE ENTERS WEARING A PIRATE HAT WITH A HUGE
FEATHER ON IT, HIS IOWA T-SHIRT OVER BLOOMERS AND
POINTED BOOTS. HE STANDS PROUDLY WITH HIS HANDS ON
HIS HIPS.
JACKIE
I've come for my men!
DOUG
Oh, Lord, my life is over.
DOUG RACES OUT, AS WE:
FADE OUT
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
SCENE D
FADE IN:
INT. JERRY'S OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER
CAPTAIN JACKIE APPEARS A LITTLE LESS CONFIDENT.
JACKIE
Hey, honestly, I don't look like a
dork, do I? I mean, when I discover
the first butcher shop in the New
World, I gotta look studly.
BOBBY
The word "fluffy" comes to mind.
JERRY TRIES TO "SHOOSH" BOBBY. JACKIE TAKES OFF
THE HAT.
JACKIE
Aww, I knew it.
JERRY
The problem is, Jackie, there aren't
really any pirates in "Casablanca".
JACKIE
Well, just write one in. This is
television, Harper, the most creative
medium in the entire world - make him
a wacky neighbor.
HE PUTS THE HAT BACK ON.
JACKIE (CONT'D)
But I'm done helpin' you guys out, I'm
gonna go steal some buried treasure!
BOBBY
Buried treasure, huh, Jackie?
JACKIE
Yeah, well, either that or some Ho-Hos
from the commissary.
JACKIE EXITS. JERRY RUBS HIS HANDS TOGETHER AS HE
WALKS TO HIS DESK.
JERRY
Okay, final stretch. We have to pick
one idea right now and go with it.
What about "Casablanca"?
BOBBY
Do you want to explain to Jackie that
there were no Nazis on Columbus' ships?
JERRY
Jackie's Cafe Caribbean?
THEY SHAKE THEIR HEADS.
JERRY & BOBBY
Nah.
JERRY PICKS UP A PAD.
JERRY
(READING) Number two: Grant's
pre-coma "Citizen Kane" idea.
BOBBY CLUTCHES HIS CHEST AS IF DYING.
BOBBY
Roastbeef... Roooast beeeef!
JERRY
Very clever.
BOBBY
Oh, don't forget Fred Astaire and
Ginger Thomas.
JERRY THINKS FOR A MOMENT, THEN STARTS SCRIBBLING.
JERRY
Could happen.
BOBBY
'Course, we'd have to teach Jackie to
dance.
JERRY
Right. Teaching Jackie to dance is
like teaching a pig to sing - it
wastes your time and annoys the pig.
BOBBY
(FRUSTRATED) Which one are we talking
about again?
JERRY DOESN'T NOTICE BOBBY'S CRACK. OR THAT BOBBY
IS LOSING HIS PATIENCE.
JERRY
Casablanca... Kane... Astaire.
Hmmm... Citizen, 'blanca... dancing
pigs. (BEAT) Let's go with "Citizen
Kane".
BOBBY
Fine. A twenty-three minute study of
megalomania - says "Jackie" to me.
JERRY
Okay, c'mon, just the high points.
(QUICKLY, PARAPHRASING OFF PAD) After
a particularly large meal of pork,
Jackie falls asleep and dreams of
owning the biggest and best butcher
shop in the world. Because of his
drive to rigorously follow the
Standard of Weights and Measures,
Helen divorces him, and--
BOBBY WAVES HIS HAND, TRYING TO HURRY JERRY ALONG.
BOBBY
Yeah, blah, blah, blah...
JERRY
(PUT OUT) No "blah, blah, blah", this
is where we're stuck, filling in the
"blah, blah"s. If we don't get rid of
some of the "blah, blah, blah"s, it's
our blah, blah jobs!
BOBBY WALKS UP TO JERRY.
BOBBY
Well, you're the head writer, you
write the "blah, blah, blah"s, then.
JERRY
I will, because your "blah, blah,
blah"s are too... blah!
BOBBY STEPS CLOSER.
BOBBY
Oh yeah, well, blaaah, blaah.
LAURA WALKS IN. THE GUYS ARE NOSE-TO-NOSE.
JERRY BOBBY
Blah, BLAH, blah, Blah, blah, BLAH,
BLAH, blah, BLAH!! blah, BLAH, BLAH!!
LAURA CAN'T FIGURE THIS ONE OUT FOR THE LIFE OF HER.
LAURA
Jerry?
JERRY
Oh... I'm sorry, Laura, I was just
having a disagreement with Blahby.
JERRY AND BOBBY BURST INTO A FIT OF HYSTERICAL
GIGGLES. LAURA CAN ONLY STAND THERE AMAZED. BOBBY
RECOVERS FIRST.
BOBBY
Hey, that's Mister Blahby to you, pal.
MORE CHORTLING AND SNORTING. JERRY AND BOBBY GASP
AND WIPE TEARS FROM THEIR EYES...
LAURA
So, have you comedians finished your
outline yet?
THEIR FACES INSTANTLY CHANGE TO UTTER DEADPAN.
LAURA (CONT'D)
Uh-huh. Well, I was going to come in
here and yell at you, Jerry, for
treating me so rudely earlier, but
maybe this will be more effective...
SHE WALKS TOWARDS THE DOOR.
LAURA (CONT'D)
I've nearly finished my outline; it
only took me thirty minutes. And the
book was very helpful. Ta ta!
JERRY STALKS AFTER HER, HANDS OUTWARD IN A
STRANGLING POSITION. SHE EXITS.
JERRY
First Roseanne beats us up, now Laura -
estrogen is taking over Hollywood!
BOBBY
Maybe she's an idiot savant, like a
Rainwoman, or something.
JERRY
Hey!
BOBBY
Oh, sorry, Jer. All that joyful
laughing threw off my rhythm.
A FEW MOMENTS PASS.
JERRY
But you know, you're right again. We
have to think sort of like a child...
Back to that brash naiveté we had
before we were professionals, that
total lack of knowledge...
BOBBY
Should I call Jackie?
JERRY
Not that far back. Let me think...
(BEAT) Okay, okay... One of the
earliest techniques I learned was the
"opposite theory". Like, what if
Jackie is not a successful butcher, or
Jackie is not happy with the family.
BOBBY
Oh, you mean, like, Jackie is funny,
or Jackie is a friend.
JERRY
Now that's good writin'! Let's do it.
BOBBY
Countdown?
JERRY LOOKS AT HIS WATCH.
JERRY
T-minus sixteen minutes and twenty
seconds.
WATCH (V.O.)
(BEEP!) I love you, Jerry!
JERRY
Oops!
BOBBY
Jer, you've got to end this thing with
the Time-and-Temperature lady.
JERRY
(REALIZING) You know, this is crazy.
No-one can write a story outline in
sixteen minutes.
BOBBY
Fifteen minutes fifty.
JERRY
Hey, so's your old man. We can't let
him push us around like this anymore,
Bobby - this could be our last dance.
BOBBY
Literally as well as figuratively.
JERRY
What should I do?
BOBBY
I'm his friend, I can use guilt to
keep my job. But you've gotta beg and
grovel. And plead. And whimper.
JERRY
Well, I'm going to do whatever I can
to get some more time out of Jackie.
You keep writing.
JERRY STRIDES OUT, MAN WITH A MISSION. A MOMENT,
THEN...
BOBBY
Godspeed, Caped Crusader.
AND WE:
DISSOLVE TO:
ACT TWO
SCENE E
INT. JACKIE'S DRESSING ROOM - A FEW MINUTES LATER
JACKIE CUPS A BOWLING BALL IN EACH HAND, UP BY HIS
CHEST. JERRY WALKS IN AS JACKIE LOOKS PROUDLY AT
HIS PLASTIC MAMMARIES.
JACKIE
Yeah, that's about right.
HE TOSSES ONE TO JERRY (OOF!) AND DROPS THE OTHER
ON THE COUCH AS HE SITS DOWN.
JACKIE
Hey, Harper! I decided that Columbus
idea sucks. That pirate hat didn't
get me one date!
JERRY
I'm sorry to hear that, Jackie.
JACKIE
Well, you oughta be. Some skinny guy
from Set Design kept asking me if I
wanted to sword fight! What did he
mean by that?
JERRY OPENS HIS MOUTH, BUT HE'S AT A LOSS. HE SCREWS
UP HIS COURAGE.
JERRY
Actually, Jackie, we've decided
against "Casablanca" and opted for
"Citizen Kane".
JACKIE
Never heard of it. Does it got any
hookers in it?
JERRY
It's a family show, remember, Jackie?
JACKIE
So, we'll have a whole family of
hookers! Like the "Brady Bunch", only
the maid will be real hot. I'll call
Casting!
JACKIE LEAPS UP OFF THE COUCH AND PICKS UP THE
PHONE, BUT JERRY RUNS OVER AND GRABS IT. THEY
STRUGGLE BRIEFLY.
JERRY
Jackie! "Citizen Kane" is the story
of a very rich and powerful man!
THEY STOP PULLING AT THE PHONE, BUT EACH KEEPS HIS
HOLD ON IT.
JACKIE
Hey, like me!
JERRY
(QUIETLY) That's right - a very rich
and powerful... and handsome man.
JACKIE RELEASES HIS GRIP AS JERRY BEGINS TO SOUND
LIKE A FATHER TELLING A BEDTIME STORY.
JERRY (CONT'D)
...who once upon a time had a...
bowling ball, which he liked very,
very much.
JACKIE PICKS A HO-HO OUT OF A BOX ON HIS COFFEE
TABLE, BITES INTO IT, AND SITS BACK DOWN ON HIS
COUCH.
JACKIE
(CHILD-LIKE) Is there a princess,
Harper?
JERRY
Yeah, sure, why not?
HE STARTS TO SIT AND LANDS SQUARELY ON THE BOWLING
BALL. HE PUSHES IT ASIDE.
JERRY (CONT'D)
We'll put her in Act One.
JACKIE
Good, 'cause then the powerful guy can
boink her.
JERRY HAS GROWN TIRED OF REINING JACKIE IN.
JERRY
This is television, Jackie! No
boinking allowed! Besides, it
wouldn't work in the story.
JACKIE
Story?! What does story have to do
with TV? How about, I have an affair
with the fabulous babe, and Helen does
this "Fatal Attraction" thing, 'cause
I'm a rich and powerful butcher...
JERRY
Jackie...
JACKIE JUMPS UP OFF THE COUCH AGAIN.
JACKIE
Yeah, and then Timmy comes surfin' in
(HE IMITATES) on a giant wave to save
Mr. Brady's maid, but she's really a guy.
JERRY
Jackie...
JACKIE
And then, and then... Clint Eastwood
paints the whole butcher shop red, and
we shoot it out, and I nail him in the
shoulder...
JACKIE GRABS HIS SHOULDER AND STUMBLES AROUND,
KNOCKING OVER AT LEAST ONE PIECE OF FURNITURE.
JERRY
JACKIE!!
JACKIE
And then Steven Segal... the tennis
pro, who's really Clint's long-lost
brother, parachutes in and kicks the
crap out of Timmy 'cause he had an
affair with the Brady maid to get her
to give me the illegal meat kick-backs!
JERRY SEETHES - BARELY HOLDING IT IN.
JERRY
Fine. Done. But we need more...
(RETHINKING, DEEP BREATH) In order to
execute your (GNASH) brilliant
ideas, Jackie, we need another day to
finish the outline.
JACKIE
No way, Harper. Laura showed me a
great outline she wrote in, like, ten
minutes.
JERRY LOOKS LIKE HIS FACE IS GOING TO CATCH ON FIRE.
JERRY
NO!!
JACKIE
C'mon, Harper, this writing stuff is
easier than my first girlfriend. I
just wrote half of it for ya! And my
ideas were as good as anything you've
done this year.
MORE HEAT...
JERRY
No, no!! Jackie, this is, this is...
(SEARCHING) This is just STUPID!!
JACKIE CHANGES FROM DAY INTO NIGHT. HE GRABS
JERRY'S SHIRT.
JACKIE
Don't you ever call me stupid again,
Harper, you hear me? Ever!! That's what
my father used to do. And you ain't him!
FOR A MOMENT JACKIE LOOKS LIKE HE MAY ACTUALLY HIT JERRY.
HE RELEASES HIM AND POINTS A FINGER IN HIS FACE.
JACKIE (CONT'D)
You writers just get me an outline
before I finish that box of Ho-Hos or
I'll replace you with Laura and her
dog-friend Petey!
LOOK OUT!
JERRY
(YELLING) Yes, sir, Mr. Thomas!!
JERRY STORMS OUT, SLAMMING THE DOOR. JACKIE
SHRUGS, TURNS ON THE TV AND SITS DOWN. HE EXAMINES
HIS NEXT HO-HO CAREFULLY.
JACKIE
I like that. "Yes, sir, Mr. Thomas".
I think I'll get all the writers to
say that. (RE: TV) Ah, Jeez, will ya
look at this?
ROSEANNE ARGUES WITH DARLENE.
JACKIE
All she ever does is yell at her kids.
How can somebody so mean be so
popular?
AND WE:
DISSOLVE TO:
ACT TWO
SCENE F
INT. JERRY'S OFFICE - A FEW MINUTES LATER
JERRY BURSTS IN, RANTING. HE'S LOSING IT.
JERRY
That's it! I give up! I can't live
like this anymore! I can't! I can't
keep trying to beat these deadlines
under the constant pressure of losing
my job, if we even have a job next
week, and try to maintain a
relationship with Laura at the same
time! I'm going absolutely nuts! I'm
getting ulcers on my brain stem!!
BOBBY
How much time is left?
JERRY PRESSES THE WATCH.
JERRY
Nine minutes and--
WATCH (V.O.)
(BEEP!) I love you, Jerry!
JERRY
Ack!
JERRY FIDDLES WITH THE WATCH, BUT IT KEEPS BEEPING
AND SQUEAKING AS HE GROWS EVER MORE MANIC.
WATCH (V.O.)
(BEEP!) I love you, Jerry! (BOOP,
BEEP!) I love you, Jerry! I love
you, Jerry! (BEEP! BOOP!) I love
you, I love you, I love--
JERRY SCREAMS AND RIPS THE WATCH FROM HIS WRIST,
FLINGING IT TO THE FLOOR AND STOMPING IT TO BITS.
JERRY
I know! I know! I know!! I KNOW!!!
BOBBY IS STUNNED. HE WHISTLES "TWILIGHT ZONE"
AGAIN QUIETLY.
JERRY COLLAPSES ON THE COUCH, EXHAUSTED.
AND THE SCENE LOOKS RATHER LIKE THE OPENING: BOBBY
SITS QUIETLY, JERRY IS PANTING, AND GRANT IS
APPARENTLY HUMMING "RIDE OF THE VALKYRIES".
LAURA WALKS IN, CARRYING A FEW SHEETS OF PAPER.
LAURA
I'm done with my story outline. Would
you like to see it?
BOBBY HANDS JERRY A PENCIL.
BOBBY
Take the wooden stake, place it over
her beating heart...
BUT JERRY HAS NO WILL TO FIGHT. IT'S OVER. HE HAS
BEEN VANQUISHED.
HE TAKES THE PAPERS AND BEGINS SKIMMING THEM.
JERRY
This is... This is great.
LAURA
Do you really think so?
JERRY
(READING) Helen gives Jackie a watch
for his birthday, but he ignores her
because he's trying to organize a big
sale, so she helps him with the ad
campaign. It's wonderful!
LAURA
Well, write what you know, I guess.
BOBBY
It's fresh. A new vision. Singularly
unique.
JERRY
Singularly on time. Thank you, Laura!
JERRY JUMPS UP AND GIVES HER A BIG HUG. BOBBY HUGS
THE BOTH OF THEM.
JERRY TOSSES THE OUTLINE ON TOP OF A FAT SCRIPT ON
THE ROUND TABLE. GRANT LEAPS UP, GRABBING THE BOOK-
LIKE SCRIPT.
GRANT
No!! That's "Citizen Kane"! You
can't put a Jackie Thomas script on
top of "Citizen Kane"! It's like
matter and anti-matter! Anathema!
Antithesis! Polar opposites!
GRANT CLUTCHES "CITIZEN" TO HIS BREAST.
GRANT (CONT'D)
(QUIETLY, EARNESTLY) There'll be a
colossal explosion and it'll be the
end of the world as we know it.
BOBBY
It is... alive.
JERRY
Grant, are you all right?
LAURA
You better sit back down.
THEY CAREFULLY HELP THE CONFUSED YOUNG MAN BACK
INTO HIS CHAIR.
GRANT
What happened? (BEAT) I remember a
long tunnel with a bright light at the
end... And the faint smell of...
pizza.
JERRY SQUEEZES GRANT'S SHOULDER WARMLY. BOBBY BOWS
HIS HEAD AND GIVES GRANT A SIDEWAYS HUG.
BOBBY
At least it wasn't burritos.
GRANT
Say, does anybody know what time it is?
JERRY AND BOBBY'S EYES GET HUGE, AND WE:
FADE OUT
END OF ACT TWO
TAG
FADE IN:
INT. JERRY'S OFFICE - LATER
THE WRITERS ARE GATHERED AROUND A LUCID GRANT ON
THE COUCH.
GRANT
You were there, Jackie, and Jerry, and
you, Bobby.
BOBBY
And Toto, too?
GRANT
Is that what you're calling Laura now?
LAURA FROWNS.
JERRY
Anything else?
GRANT
There was a big pirate behind the
curtain...
JACKIE
Hey, don't tell nobody 'bout that
feather, okay?
JERRY
It's pretty amazing what stress will
do to a man.
LAURA
(POINTEDLY) Isn't it, Jerry.
JERRY
I'm sorry, Laura, I went a little
bonkers. I actually write pretty well
when I'm not thinking of you.
SHE GIVES HIM A PLAYFUL PUNCH.
JACKIE
Yeah, I was a dink, too, Harper.
I think those Ho-Hos raise my
blood sugar or something.
GRANT
At least you didn't, um...
didn't, uh...
HE'S TRYING TO THINK OF THE WORD.
GRANT (CONT'D)
...didn't...
JACKIE SMACKS HIM UPSIDE THE BACK OF HIS HEAD.
GRANT (CONT'D)
Blank out! Didn't blank out.
JERRY
Now there's a technique we didn't try,
Bobby.
BOBBY
Actually, Grant, I think you had the
best time of all.
JERRY
I'll second that. And with Laura's
outline and a complete staff, we may
all make it back.
LAURA
I'm just glad that we're all friends
enough to not let the little
disagreements upset us.
EVERYONE REFLECTS. JERRY PULLS LAURA AWAY FROM THE
GANG.
JERRY
And I want you to know that no matter
how hard I work, no matter how
stressed out I get, no matter what I
say or do, I still care for you very
deeply.
LAURA HOLDS JERRY'S FACE IN HER HANDS.
LAURA
Awww, thanks. I love you, Jerry!!
CUT TO:
BLACK.
JERRY (O.S.)
Aaagh!!
END OF SHOW
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