| The following screenplay is Registered WGA #549526 and Copyright 1994 by Kristian Idol. Use of any material, in whole or in part, is expressly forbidden without prior written consent. |
TEASER
INT. KITCHEN/FAMILY ROOM - FRIDAY EVENING
JILL IS PREPARING DINNER. BRAD SHUFFLES IN THE
FRONT DOOR WITH A HANG-DOG LOOK, RANDY FOLLOWS.
JILL
Boy, you guys are home late. (RE:
BRAD) What's wrong, honey?
RANDY
Brad got a "D" on his vocabulary test.
I guess he wasn't erudite enough.
BRAD
Man, I'll never get these big words.
JILL
A "D"?! You're smarter than that...
JILL TAKES A PIECE OF HOMEWORK AND READS.
JILL
"Feckless." (BEAT) "Without feck"?!
BRAD
You were the one who told me to guess
if I didn't know it!
TIM COMES IN FROM THE GARAGE, WIPING BLACK GREASE
OFF HIS HANDS WITH A RAG.
RANDY
Hey, Dad, do you know what the word
"feckless" means?
TIM
Ah, "Not having feck", why?
JILL
Brilliant, Professor. Randy got a "D"
on his vocabulary test.
TIM
Whoa, Nellie! Let me see that.
(GRABS PAPER AND SKIMS) What the heck
is "air-you-ditty"?
JILL
"Erudite."
RANDY
It means "smart", Dad -- like Mom!
TIM
Ha, ha, little one. I don't see any
real words on here, like "carburetion",
or "oversteer".
JILL
Those kind of words will only get you
so far, Tim.
BRAD
My teacher says that vocabulary is
really important if you wanna be a
successful person.
TIM
That's right! A person like me, who
knows what the word "manifold" means.
And look what I've become.
HE HANDS A GREASE-SMUDGED TEST BACK TO BRAD.
EVERYONE CONSIDERS FOR A MOMENT...
RANDY
You better study real hard, Brad.
BRAD
Man, if I flunk the re-test I'll have
to take English again next semester.
JILL
Flunk?! Oh, no, young man, no one's
ever flunked in my family. You're
going to study all weekend.
BRAD
Aw, jeez. Why did Miss McCarthy make
the re-test on Monday?
TIM
Because the torture-chamber's busy?
BRAD
Can you help me study, Mom?
TIM
I can help ya, sport.
JILL
Oh gosh, Brad, tonight is my library
group...
TIM
I'll help ya, Brad.
JILL
And I wanted to go to this garage sale
tomorrow...
TIM
Brad?
RANDY
Maybe Wilson can help you.
TIM
Bradleee.
BRAD
Hey, maybe Al's not busy!
TIM'S EYES BUG OUT AS HE CLUTCHES HIS CHEST, AND WE...
CUT TO:
ACT ONE
Scene 1
INT. KITCHEN/FAMILY ROOM - SATURDAY MORNING
TIM SITS AT THE DINNER TABLE FLIPPING THROUGH A
LARGE DICTIONARY. JILL ENTERS THE KITCHEN, WEARING
HER BATHROBE.
JILL
Mornin', hon, whatcha doing?
TIM
I'm looking up these words on Brad's
test. Have you even heard of the
word... "apotheosis", let alone what
it means? It means "An exalted or--
JILL TIM
"--glorified ideal." --glorified ideal." Yeah -
how did you know that?
JILL
Because, I am the apotheosis of the
patient and understanding wife.
TIM
Hmm. Yes, you are. (FIGURING IT OUT)
Heey...
JILL
Anyway, Tim, remember, I'm going
garage-saleing today. There's four
sales on 13 Mile, so Karen and I are
going to wander around.
TIM
Well, just don't wander us into
bankruptcy, okay?
JILL
I thought I could pick up some
knickknacks for the house.
RANDY AND MARK ENTER AND SIT AT THE BREAKFAST BAR.
TIM
Knickknacks, huh? Isn't that
Midwestern for "crap"?
JILL
Tim, don't say that word. I don't
like it.
TIM
"Midwestern"?
RANDY
The subject is crap, Dad.
MARK
What's crap?
JILL GLARES AT TIM.
JILL
You see, now they're already using it.
Next thing you know, we'll all be
sitting in front of the principal.
TIM
Don't say that word, guys. It's not
(LOOKING AT PAPER) "er-u-dite".
JILL
That's right, you listen to the
apotheosis of fatherhood, boys.
RANDY & MARK
What??
TIM
I know that one, I know that one!
TIM STANDS AND PUFFS UP HIS CHEST.
TIM
Look upon the exalted ideal of
fatherdom, you tiny humans!
THE EXALTED IDEAL IS STANDING IN PINK BOXERS AND
WHITE TUBE SOCKS. RECONSIDERING, HE SITS.
JILL
Now, you guys behave yourselves
today - it's very important to
let your father help Brad with
his vocabulary while I look for
knickknacks.
RANDY
You mean, "crap".
JILL
Randall Taylor, stop saying that word
right now!
RANDY
Yes, Mom.
BRAD COMES DOWN THE STAIRS.
BRAD
'Morning.
TIM
Hey you guys, come here.
THE BOYS CROSS TO TIM.
TIM
First lesson: This is Mom's
dictionary. You can look up any word
that you don't know the meaning of,
and find it right in here!
RANDY
This is a new experience for you,
isn't it, Dad?
BRAD TURNS A FEW PAGES. JILL APPROACHES AS HE
FINDS A WORD.
BRAD
(READING) "Crap. Vulgar slang,
meaning--"
TIM LAUGHS. JILL SLAMS THE BOOK SHUT ON HIS
FINGER.
TIM
Yeow! (POINTING) He said it!
JILL
(TO BRAD) Try looking up "Grounded
for 2 weeks", young man.
TIM
Actually, honey, I think that's a
phrase.
ICY STARE FROM JILL.
BRAD
Sorry, Mom.
MARK
I like words, I think they're neat.
RANDY
You would.
JILL
Randy... Vocabulary is very
important. Knowing the meaning of
words and how to spell them will get
you a good job someday.
TIM
Yeah, one where you can push people
around, like I do.
JILL BRIGHTENS WITH AN IDEA.
JILL
You know what...
SHE CROSSES TO THE ENTERTAINMENT CENTER.
JILL (CONT'D)
Why don't we all stay in tonight and
play Scrabble?
THE OLDER BOYS ROLL THEIR EYES, BUT MARK SMILES.
MARK
Cool!
BRAD
On a Saturday night?!
TIM
Uh, Jill...
JILL FORAGES AROUND IN THE CABINET AND PULLS OUT
HER GAME.
JILL
Here it is!
TIM
Jill?
SHE OPENS IT UP. TIM RUBS HIS FOREHEAD.
BRAD
But I was going to study vocabulary
with Ashley tonight.
RANDY
Yeah, you're gonna study words like
"kissy-face" and "smoochies".
BRAD SHOVES HIS SMIRKING BROTHER.
JILL
Where are all the letters? There's
only... five tiles in here.
BOY, DOES TIM LOOK GUILTY.
JILL
Guys? Tim?
THE KIDS SHRUG.
TIM
Umm... I guess I sort of used them for
something else.
JILL
Used them? For what?
TIM
Well... you remember the birdhouse I
built you a coupla months back?
JILL
Yes...
TIM
And, you remember how you wanted the
little birdies to be safe and snug in
their comfy, little winter home...
JILL
Yeeess...
TIM WALKS TO THE WINDOW.
TIM
Well, it seems those tiles were the
perfect size for a beautiful slate
roof.
JILL
Tim!!
TIM
Oh, look, honey, there's Mr. Sparrow
enjoying our Scrabble game right now!
JILL
Tim, I can't believe you used my
Scrabble tiles! From the game I've
had since college!
TIM
I'm sorry honey, I'll get ya a new
one, I promise.
MARK
Does this mean we're not playing
tonight?
BRAD AND RANDY SMACK A HIGH FIVE.
BRAD
All right!
RANDY
Dad does the right thing for once!
THE OLDER BOYS HUSTLE OUTSIDE, MARK FOLLOWS.
TIM
I'll fix it, honey, I swear.
JILL
Sometimes, Tim, I just don't know.
SHE EXITS UPSTAIRS. TIM LOOKS OUT AT THE
BIRDHOUSE.
TIM
Bundle up, birdies, it's gonna be a
cooold winter.
AND WE...
CUT TO:
ACT ONE
Scene 2
INT. KITCHEN/FAMILY ROOM - EARLY SATURDAY AFTERNOON
JILL AND KAREN STRUGGLE IN CARRYING A LARGE BOX.
TIM IS STILL AT THE TABLE.
TIM
Gee, I hope you didn't blow our
budget on a box you can't even carry
yourself.
JILL OPENS THE FLAPS AND PULLS OUT A VERY SMALL,
CARVED END TABLE.
JILL
Ta-daa!
KAREN
Can you believe it?
JILL PROUDLY SETS IT NEXT TO THE COUCH.
TIM
Do I wanna believe it? What is that?!
JILL
It's an end table I picked up at the
sale. Isn't it darling? It was only
twelve dollars.
TIM
Great, that's only about eleven-fifty
too much.
JILL
Tim! We need something for this end
of the room.
TIM
This end of the room? We've already
got this end of the room at this end
of the room!
KAREN
I thought it was a steal.
TIM
Somebody should have stolen it before
you.
HE LOOKS IT OVER.
TIM (CONT'D)
You know, if this thing was a person,
it would be singing "The Lollipop
Song" to Dorothy.
KAREN
Oh, Jill, it looks just great in your
living room.
TIM
Man, I can think of a few choice
vocabulary words to describe that.
JILL
Well, I think it's wonderful.
SITTING DOWN, TIM SARCASTICALLY MOUTHS JILL'S WORDS.
KAREN
It's so delicate and dainty.
TIM
Hey! Nothing I've ever had, done
or... eaten could be described as
dainty, okay?!
JILL
That's not what you said about a
particular piece of lingerie I own.
THE WOMEN LAUGH AT TIM'S EMBARRASSMENT.
TIM
That's different. Underwear's not
supposed to have strong miter joints!
(BEAT) Except maybe Madonna's. Do we
have to put it next to my couch?
JILL
Your couch?
TIM
Yeah, my couch, where I watch all my
games, and drink my beer, which, by
the way, I don't wanna put (MOTIONING
TO END TABLE) on poor Mr. Munchkin's
dainty little head!
JILL
Well, I watch my stories, and eat my
Peanut M & M's on this couch, which, by
the way, was bought with my Visa card!
TIM
Well, I don't like it. What we need
is some manly furniture, like maybe a
forty-horsepower Barcalounger.
HE MAKES A SHIFTING GESTURE AND VROOMING NOISES.
TIM (CONT'D)
Any other useful purchases I should
know about? A balsa-wood hammer for
me, perhaps?
JILL
No, just this.
SHE REACHES INTO THE BOX AND PULLS OUT A PORCELAIN
FIGURINE OF A BOY SITTING NEXT TO A COW.
TIM
Oh, Jeez, look at this one. I can't
believe you're spending our money on
this stuff, Jill. This is the same
thing as last summer, when we had our
sale, and then you walked across the
street and bought all the Valmino's
garbage.
JILL
It was not garbage, Tim, I bought some
interesting things at the Valmino's
sale.
TIM
A chess set with characters from
"South Pacific"?
JILL
It's my favorite musical!
TIM
Yeah, but you couldn't even tell the
King from the Queen because they both
had bandanas around their heads.
JILL
The Queen was the one carrying the
fruit! Oh, never mind, Tim. It's
just a cute little thing to put on the
table.
SHE SETS IT ON THE END TABLE. IT NEARLY COVERS THE
TOP OF THE MINUSCULE PIECE OF FURNITURE.
JILL
Besides, (WINKS AT KAREN) I look at
it as helping the cash flow of the
economy.
TIM PICKS UP THE FIGURINE AND LOOKS AT THE BOTTOM.
TIM
Oh, I'm sure President Clinton will be
very happy that you bought "Boy
Milking Cow".
HE PLACES IT BACK.
JILL
It looks good there.
TIM
Well, as long as all that extra weight
doesn't crush the table. (LOOKS AT
WATCH) Oh, hey, I have to get to the
taping.
HE GRABS HIS COAT OFF THE COUCH AND PUTS IT ON.
KAREN
Jill, let's try on the blouses we got
for fifty cents!
JILL
Okay!
JILL AND KAREN CROSS TO THE FOYER, CHATTING
ENTHUSIASTICALLY.
TIM
Fifty cents? Whew, there's some fine
material. (YELLING AFTER THEM) Must
be silks from Persia!
TIM WATCHES THEM DISAPPEAR UPSTAIRS. HE LOOKS AT
THE LITTLE WIMPY TABLE, THEN TO THE STAIRS...
HE SETS THE BOY/COW ASIDE, GRABS THE TABLE AND
SNEAKS TO THE DOOR.
HE SLIPS OUT.
AND WE...
CUT TO:
ACT ONE
Scene 3
INT. "TOOL TIME" SET - LATE SATURDAY AFTERNOON
THE CAMERAS DOLLY INTO POSITION.
TIM
Welcome to Tool Time. I'm Tim "The
Tool Man" Taylor and you may know my
assistant, Al "I sure ain't dainty"
Borland.
AL
Greetings.
TIM
Today on Tool Time, we'll be looking
at wood-- (HOLDS UP A PIECE OF PINE)
--burning.
HE TOUCHES A WOODBURNING IRON TO THE BOARD AND
GRIMACES REPEATEDLY.
TIM
Ssssss! Oo! Ah! Oh!
AL
Woodburning is an ancient art,
probably first practiced by Cro-Magnon
cavemen.
TIM THEATRICALLY SUMMONS THE AUDIENCE. THE ENTIRE
BLEACHERS BEGIN GRUNTING.
AL (CONT'D)
As an example of what can be done with
woodburning, I made this lovely
plaque.
AL HOLDS UP A POLISHED RECTANGLE WITH "TOOL TIME"
ORNATELY ETCHED INTO IT.
TIM
And I did this lovely rendition of
Al's Mom.
TIM HOLDS UP A FINE PIECE OF WOODBURNING DEPICTING
ABE LINCOLN. AL TENSES HIS JAW.
AL
But today we'll be starting you off
slowly, by etching simple block
letters, such as could be used in this
popular word game...
AL DISPLAYS A TILE HOLDER WITH TWO TILES ON IT, AN
"A" AND AN "L". HE SMILES PROUDLY.
TIM
Whew! Man's work, eh, Al?
TIM ROLLS HIS EYES AT THE CAMERA.
AL
We'll be back after these messages.
AND WE...
CUT TO:
ACT ONE
Scene 4
INT. KITCHEN/FAMILY ROOM - SATURDAY NIGHT
THE ENTIRE TAYLOR FAMILY AND AL SIT AROUND THE
DINING TABLE PLAYING SCRABBLE. AL PLACES SOME
LETTER TILES.
AL
"Xenon". That's one, double letter is
three, four, five, plus eight is
thirteen, and triple word is 39
points.
MARK
Wow! Thirty-nine points!
TIM
Xenon?? What is that, some kind of
planet?
AL
Actually, Tim, it's an inert gas.
Sort of like the hot air you've been
blowing.
HE ENJOYS HIS OWN JOKE. TIM SCOWLS.
AL (CONT'D)
Your turn, boss.
TIM SHUFFLES HIS TILES A BIT AND SEEKS REVENGE.
TIM
So, too bad you couldn't get a date
tonight, Al.
RANDY
That was kinda crappy, Dad.
JILL
Randy...
AL
For your information, Tim, Ilene
wanted to come tonight, but she was
busy.
TIM
Busy with another date from the planet
Xenon.
TIM LAYS DOWN TWO LETTERS.
TIM (CONT'D)
Well, Al, speaking of planets, I'll
just use your 'N' to make "sun". S,
U, N, giving Brad and me...
BRAD
Three points, Dad.
JILL
All right, Tim!
AL
You know, Tim, the sun isn't a planet,
it's a star.
TIM
Yeah? Like I'm the star of Tool Time,
who may not have Planet Al revolving
around him much longer! Especially
since we have to re-do the second half
of today's segment.
AL
Well, Tim, I wasn't the one who tried
to hook up a five-inch wood-burner to
a house generator, was I?
TIM
It wasn't that big a fire...
RANDY POKES AT HIS TILES.
RANDY
Hey, look, Mom, we have a "C", an "R",
and an "A". All we need is an "P" and
we could spell--
FLAMES SHOOT OUT OF JILL'S EYES.
RANDY
Carp! We could spell "carp"!
HE PURSES HIS LIPS INTO A FISH FACE. THE OTHERS
FOLLOW SUIT, EVEN AL. JILL SHAKES HER HEAD.
SHE HOLDS UP A TILE WITH A FUNNY SQUIGGLE ON IT.
JILL
Tim, what letter is this?
AL
It looks like an Egyptian hieroglyph.
(TO THE BOYS) Do you know what that
word means, guys? It's an illegible
or hard-to-read character.
RANDY
I think we figured that out, duh.
TIM
It's supposed to be a "W", Jill.
JILL TWISTS THE TILE AROUND A FEW TIMES. SHE STILL
DOESN'T SEE IT.
TIM
Okay, so I was getting the hang of
woodburning, all right?
RANDY
You could always make an Egyptian
Scrabble game, Dad.
TIM
That's it, I was making a Russian
version. Yes, we must play some
Scrabbleski, Comrades!
SUDDENLY, JILL GETS AN ANXIOUS LOOK ON HER FACE.
JILL
Tim, where's my end table??
TIM
Um... riding a pony at the Midget
Furniture Ranch?
SHE GETS UP AND SEARCHES AROUND THE COUCH.
JILL
What did you do with my table?!
RANDY
Dad put it up in the attic with your
other garage sale crap.
JILL
He put it--? Randy, stop saying that
word!
TIM
Aw, honey, it's just a joke. I'll
bring it down. We're feeding it
steroids!
THE BOYS LAUGH ALONG WITH TIM, BUT AL RESPECTFULLY
REFRAINS. JILL WALKS TO THE KITCHEN.
JILL
Tim, can I see you in the kitchen,
immediately?
TIM
Come on, Jill, take it easy and come
back to the game. I think I see where
you can score... four points!
JILL
Tim, unless you enjoy the sensation of
having Scrabble tiles shoved up your
nose, you come over here this instant!
THE WHOLE TABLE IS SILENT. TIM GETS UP AND
MOPES OVER.
TIM
Aw, Jill, it just got in the way.
JILL
In the way? My little table? How
about that darn hot rod - we couldn't
park in the garage for a year!
TIM
That's different.
JILL
How is it different?
TIM
Uh... because it was mine?
JILL
Tim, I want you to return my table...
and teach your sons not to use
profanity, or... (SOTTO) Or you'll
never get to see my "dainty" lingerie
until 2010!
SHE TURNS TO THE LIVING ROOM, WHERE THE GUYS AT THE
TABLE ARE ALL LEANING TOWARD HER, STRAINING TO HEAR
HER REBUKE. THEY ALL REACT TO BEING CAUGHT.
JILL
Good night, gentlemen!
SHE HUFFS UPSTAIRS. TIM LOOKS AT HIS FEET.
TIM
Ah, crap.
HE STARTLES AT HIS MISTAKE AND LOOKS TO SEE IF THE
BOYS HEARD HIM, AND WE...
FADE OUT
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
Scene 1
INT. KITCHEN/FAMILY ROOM - EARLY SUNDAY AFTERNOON
TIM POURS A BOWL OF CHIPS IN THE KITCHEN, BUT
SOMETHING IS TERRIBLY WRONG WITH HIS NECK - IT'S AT
SUCH A RADICAL ANGLE THAT HIS EAR NEARLY TOUCHES
HIS SHOULDER.
JILL ENTERS.
TIM
How was the bed, honey?
JILL
Wonderful. How was the couch?
TIM
Oh, just swell.
TIM CROSSES TO THE COUCH AND JOINS BRAD AND RANDY
WATCHING FOOTBALL ON TELEVISION.
TIM
I don't suppose you guys could turn
the TV sideways?
THEY SHAKE "NO". TIM SETS THE BOWL DOWN, GRABS HIS
HEAD, AND WITH A GRIMACE, RE-ORIENTS IT.
JILL
So, Brad, you better be prepared this
time.
RANDY
Aw, Mom, you're so tenacious.
BRAD
Yeah, this is only a small cessation
of work.
JILL LOOKS STUNNED. GRINNING WITH PRIDE, TIM HOLDS
UP A BOOK.
TIM
I got a thesaurus.
BRAD AND RANDY EACH HOLD UP AN IDENTICAL BOOK.
TIM (CONT'D)
I got everyone thesauruses! Thesaurus-
es-es-es.
JILL
Thesauri.
TIM
Thanks, honey, you don't have to
apologize. Look, I made this for you.
HE SHOWS A WOODBURNT PLAQUE THAT SAYS "SORRY".
THE LETTER "Y" IS ASKEW.
JILL
Awww. I think I'll put it right
over... the bed.
A COMMOTION TURNS TIM BACK TO THE GAME.
TIM
What happened? Aw, Jeez! Holding.
Holding? What a bunch of crap!
JILL
Tim!!!
BRAD
Gosh, Dad, you're bothering Mom's
tranquillity.
RANDY
Yeah, you should desist using the
word "crap".
TIM
Okay, boys, that's enough.
JILL
Congratulations, Dr. Frankenstein.
I don't think there's a worse habit
you could've taught them.
THE LIONS SCORE.
TIM
Touchdown!!
THE BOYS LEAP UP AND VICTORY-DANCE WITH TIM,
GYRATING LIKE MANIACS.
TIM, BRAD & RANDY
Ooga-booga, ooga-booga... hey-hey!
Ooga-booga, ba-booga-booga--
JILL
I stand corrected.
SHE THINKS FOR A FEW MOMENTS. THE GUYS SIT, GLUED
TO THE SET AGAIN.
JILL
Tim?
TIM
Yeah, hon, just a second.
JILL
Tim, I need to talk to you.
TIM
Yeah, Jill, after the extra point.
SHE WALKS OVER AND TURNS OFF THE SET. AMID
GRUMBLING, SHE STARES DIRECTLY AT TIM.
JILL
Right now.
TIM
Uh, guys, why don't you go outside and
spackle something?
WITH A LITTLE MORE GRIPING, THEY GET UP AND EXIT TO
THE BACK YARD.
TIM
This won't take more than a quarter,
will it, hon? 'Cause, see, the Lions
are--
JILL
Tim, you know I'm very concerned about
what the boys are learning from you.
TIM
The Ooga-Booga Dance is a little too
much, huh?
JILL
Tim, if I've learned anything at all
at the magazine, it's the influence of
words. Words make the person. And if
the boys think it's all right to use
profanity, then we haven't done our
jobs as parents.
TIM
Aw, Jill... there's a lot worse things
they could say, you know. You should
hear some of the words the Tool Time
guys use, whoo!
JILL
Yes, but we didn't name our children
"Moose". No offense, Tim, but I want
the boys to aspire to more than being
a go-fer on a cable TV show.
TIM
How about the Head Assistant Go-fer?
He gets to polish the tools!
JILL
I'm serious, Tim! The boys look up to
you. Well, at least Mark still does.
And I'm not sure if you understand
that responsibility sometimes.
TIM
Aw, sure I do, hon.
JILL
Hiding the table I can forgive, but
the way we raise our children is
extremely important to me.
TIM
How about if I swear at the table and
hide the children?
JILL
How about you explain to your sons
once and for all?
SHE OPENS THE DOOR AND CALLS THEM. THEY ENTER.
JILL
Boys, your father has something to
say.
TIM
Guys, your mom thinks-- (OFF JILL'S
LOOK) and I... steadfastly agree,
that you shouldn't say "crap" any
more. Got it?
BRAD
Sure, Dad.
RANDY NODS.
TIM
Now, let's watch some big guys send
each other to the hospital!
RANDY
That's okay, Dad - we found some dice
outside, and Brad's teaching me to
play craps!
THEY RUN OUT, LAUGHING LIKE DEVILS. JILL THROWS
HER ARMS UP AS TIM TRIES NOT TO SMILE. AND WE...
CUT TO:
ACT TWO
Scene 2
INT. "TOOL TIME" SET - LATE SUNDAY AFTERNOON
THE SECOND SEGMENT BEGINS.
AL
Welcome back. In this half, we'll
show you a more involved use of the
wood iron. (HE TURNS) Heidi?
HEIDI ROLLS IN A LARGE, STAINED TABLE WITH DARK
MARKS AND GOUGES IN IT.
TIM
Probably the most interesting example
of woodburning technique has been used
on this handsome dining room table.
AL
That's right, Tim, it's called
"distressing" the wood.
TIM
In contrast to "distressing the host".
TIM GRABS FISTFULS OF HIS HAIR AND SHAKES HIS BUG-
EYED HEAD.
AL
Distressing is an artificial way to
make the wood look older, like a
classic piece of furniture.
TIM
And what a classic this is, Al. Look at
her! Solid as a rock. As compared to
this:
FROM BEHIND A CORNER, TIM BRINGS OUT JILL'S LITTLE
END TABLE AND SETS IT NEXT TO THE HUGE BLOCKY ONE.
THE TABLES LOOK LIKE FATHER AND INFANT.
TIM
(MOCK WONDER) Oh, it's so dainty!
(BEAT) You know, furniture should be
big and sturdy... like Al's Mom. Not
small and useless.
AL
...Like Tim's brain. Another way to
distress wood is by beating it with a
hammer or mallet.
HE HOLDS UP A METAL HAMMER.
TIM
Of course, some tables will require a
special tool...
TIM BENDS DOWN BY THE DELICATE TABLE AND PRODUCES
A PLASTIC KIDDIE HAMMER, THE KIND THAT SQUEAK.
HE HITS THE LITTLE TABLE LIKE A RAPID PISTON.
CHIRP, CHIRP, CHIRP!
TIM
I am so distressed!!
AL
One definition of the word
"distressed" is, "being in need of
immediate assistance".
TIM LOOKS UP, THEN RESUMES FLAILING, THE HAMMER
SQUEAKING MERCILESSLY, AND WE...
CUT TO:
ACT TWO
Scene 3
EXT. BACKYARD - EARLY SUNDAY EVENING
TIM EXITS THE HOUSE. WILSON WEARS A BANDANA OVER
MOST OF HIS FACE AND CARRIES A FUMIGATOR.
WILSON
Hi-ho, neighbor!
TIM
And yippee-ki-yay to you. Where's the
showdown?
WILSON POINTS TO HIS OVERHANG.
WILSON
That hornet's nest up in the corner.
TIM
Ooo, Wilson Earp and the O.K. Bee's
Nest.
WILSON
Yes, Tim, and this backyard isn't big
enough for the eight hundred of us.
TIM
Eight hundred? Wow!
WILSON
That's right, Tim, hundreds of
workers and drones, all dedicated to
fulfilling the whims of a single
queen... So, what brings you outside
this fall evening?
TIM STANDS LOST IN AMAZEMENT.
TIM
What? Oh, I had an argument with
the Queen... uh, Jill!
WILSON
Ah, the vagaries of marriage. Pray
tell, Tim, what was the source of
conflict?
TIM
She's all bent out of shape because
she thinks I'm not acting right around
the boys - using the right words and
stuff.
WILSON
The role-model debate, mm-hmm,
continue.
TIM
Yeah, and then she bought this goofy
end table that looks like something Al
would build, so I hid it from her.
What'd I do wrong, Wilson?
WILSON
Sounds like a power play, Tim.
TIM
What does hockey have to do with
furniture?
WILSON
No, Tim. You see, boys go through
stages where they try to exert their
own power within the family. To stake
a better position, if you will.
TIM
That's for sure. I can't believe what
the kids do sometimes.
WILSON
I was talking about you, Tim.
TIM
Oh.
HE REACTS.
WILSON
Actually, Tim, I was thinking more
along the lines of Shakespeare, who
said, "A man's home is his castle"--
TIM NODS AND GRUNTS VIGOROUSLY.
TIM
Absolutely, yes, yes.
WILSON
But so is a woman's.
TIM
Urr? Shakespeare said that?
WILSON
No, Tim, I just did. But in the
proverbial castle, each resident
demarcates their space with the things
that they own.
TIM
Demarc-- what?
WILSON
To mark off space, Tim. For example,
you with your tools, and Jill with her
furniture. And, as you've found out,
it can even come down to the very
words you use around each other.
TIM
So... when I say I don't like this
doofus piece of furniture that she
bought, or use words she doesn't like,
it's like I'm staking my claim.
WILSON
Exactly. It's not a caste system,
Tim, with a Queen and workers and
drones. You must work together to
share your castle.
TIM
Not a caste system in the castle, huh?
WILSON
Nooo. Separate, but equal, as it
were. The poet Kahlil Gibran said,
"Let there be spaces in your
togetherness".
TIM PONDERS.
TIM
Whew, right again, Wilson. I'll give
her some space. (BEAT) Especially
around that dopey end table. Hey,
good luck with the bees.
HE TURNS AND WALKS TO THE BACK DOOR. WILSON GETS UP ON
A STEPLADDER NEAR THE BEE'S NEST. TIM TURNS AROUND.
TIM
Hey, Wilson?
WILSON
Yes, Tim?
TIM
Does the Queen bee ever go garage-
saleing?
WILSON
Only on the planet Xenon, Tim.
TIM NODS, THEN REACTS, AND WE...
CUT TO:
ACT TWO
Scene 4
INT. KITCHEN - LATE SUNDAY EVENING
JILL PUTS AWAY DISHES FROM THE DISHWASHER. THERE
IS A KNOCK AND SHE TURNS AROUND. SHE APPROACHES
THE GARAGE DOOR.
THE DOOR OPENS AND TIM'S HAND APPEARS THROUGH THE
CRACK, CLUTCHING A ROSE.
JILL
Tim, you can't just--
THE DOOR OPENS WIDER AND TIM PRESENTS THE LITTLE
CARVED TABLE.
TIM
I was wrong, and you were right.
JILL
Figured that out by yourself, did you?
HE ENTERS THE KITCHEN.
TIM
Well, Wilson helped. He said you and
I are like little bees wearing casts,
hobbling around the Queen's castle.
We just need some space between us to
do our buzzing around.
JILL
Okay...
TIM
See, I'm only marking my territory.
JILL
Gosh, I hope not - I just vacuumed.
(BEAT) Tim, do you have any idea how
I felt when this table was missing?
TIM
Yes. (OFF HER LOOK) No.
JILL
I love this little table, Tim, and you
took it away from me. Just like not
teaching the boys certain values takes
away something from our relationship.
Do you get it?
HE NODS. A LONG MOMENT PASSES AS TIM SCREWS UP HIS
COURAGE. HE SPEAKS QUIETLY.
TIM
You know, I really want to raise the
boys as well as my Dad did me. But
after he died, it was just my brothers
burping and swearing and pounding each
other with hammers.
HE HELPS HER PUT AWAY SOME DISHES.
TIM (CONT'D)
And I know that I need to lead by
example. It's just that the example
in my head sometimes trips over my
face. Or tongue, or whatever.
JILL
We need to raise them correctly, Tim,
together. Without all the battling
for control.
TIM
Right. Hey, maybe both of us can be
the Queen bee. No, wait a minute.
All I know is, we both want the same
thing, and I'm sorry if I made you
feel bad.
JILL
Badly. I guess the next book should
be a grammar manual. (BEAT) That's
okay. Apology accepted, partner.
THEY SHAKE HANDS AND THEN KISS.
TIM
Boy, that Wilson is pretty smart,
isn't he? Maybe we should marry him
and he can be the Dad.
SHE LAUGHS SOFTLY, AND CLOSES THE DISHWASHER.
JILL
I think you can figure this stuff out
by yourself.
TIM
So, how do we get them to stop saying
cra-- that word? Just ignore it?
THEY HEAD TOWARD THE STAIRS.
JILL
Well, I was thinking of something
else.
TIM
Ah, Queenie has a plan. Worker Bee
Tim at your command, oh literary one.
Bzzzz!
JILL
Bzzz, bzzz!
THEY BEGIN BUZZING AND POKING EACH OTHER AS THEY
HEAD UPSTAIRS, AND WE...
CUT TO:
ACT TWO
Scene 5
INT. KITCHEN - MONDAY MORNING
THE THREE BOYS HUSTLE DOWN THE STEPS INTO THE KITCHEN.
JILL AND TIM QUICKLY HAND THEM BAGS AND BOOKS.
JILL
Let's go, let's go! You guys are
gonna be late!
TIM
Here, take your crap and get moving!
THE BOYS HESITATE.
JILL
Go on, I put some crap for breakfast
into these bags.
BRAD
What??
JILL
I made some eggs, but they turned out
weird, so you'll have to eat this on
the way.
TIM
Don't give your Mom any guff, because
she worked real hard on that.
THE THREE HEAD CONFUSED TO THE DOOR.
JILL
Oh, and good luck with that vocabulary
crap today, Brad.
TIM
Yeah, and don't take any crap from any
bullies at school, either!
THE BOYS PAUSE AT THE FRONT DOOR FOR A QUICK
CONFERENCE.
BRAD
What's the deal with them? They're
saying the word.
MARK
Yeah, I thought we weren't supposed to
say that any more.
RANDY
I don't know about you guys, but if
they think it's cool, I'm definitely
not saying it.
BRAD
Really.
THEY ALL NOD AGREEMENT AND EXIT. TIM AND JILL HIGH-
FIVE EACH OTHER AND DANCE CRAZILY.
TIM & JILL
Ooga-booga, ooga-booga... hey-hey!...
Oooga-booga...
AND WE...
FADE OUT
END OF SHOW
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