| The following screenplay is Registered WGA #701292 and Copyright 1998 by Kristian Idol. Use of any material, in whole or in part, is expressly forbidden without prior written consent. |
INT. MR. GARRISON'S BEDROOM - ON GARRISON'S FACE
Sweating and panting, Mr. Garrison is having a nightmare.
He moans.
MR. GARRISON
Brad... Come, Brad Pitt, come...
He wakes up with a gasp. Without Mr. Garrison's lips
moving, Mr. Hat speaks:
MR. HAT
It was just a dream, Mr. Garrison.
MR. GARRISON
Oh, thank God...
Suddenly, Mr. Hat takes out an 8-inch carving knife and
starts stabbing Mr. Garrison.
MR. GARRISON (CONT'D)
No, Mr. Hat, no! Ahh! It's a
trilogy of terror! Aaaggh!!
Garrison wakes up again, for real.
MR. GARRISON (CONT'D)
Oh my! That's the last time I eat
a firm banana quiche right before
beddy-bye! But what does it all
mean?
Mr. Hat burps. Again, by itself:
MR. HAT
It's coming...
EXT. BUS STOP - DAY
The kids seem a little lethargic today.
KYLE
Cartman's butt is so big that he...
he has his own zip code?
Stan forces a weak smile. Cartman yawns.
KYLE (CONT'D)
Man, we are so bored even Cartman's
ass isn't funny.
A quiet moment with eyes at half-mast. Someone farts.
Nothing.
CARTMAN
Every day, the same old grind - get
up, have some pie for breakfast, go
to school, have some pie after gym,
come home and have some pie for
dinner... I can't wait 'til I'm a
grown-up workin' 9-to-5 in a
square, beige cubicle where
something exciting happens every
day...
KENNY
Mphph rmph--
Kenny tips over mid-mumble, snoring. The others barely
notice.
STAN
What he said. I think.
The bus pulls up and the doors open, but the kids just stare.
MRS. CRABTREE
C'mon, get in, dammit!!
They sigh.
MRS. CRABTREE (CONT'D)
What's wrong with you kids??!!
STAN
We're bored.
MRS. CRABTREE
I'm a whore??
STAN
Uh... that works.
They get in.
INT. SCHOOLBUS
KYLE
We really need to shake up our lives.
CARTMAN
This is South Park, you moron. Same
sh#t, different day - nothing in this
hell-hole is ever gonna change.
INT. PIP'S BEDROOM
Pip peers into a telescope.
INSERT - AN ASTEROID
hurtles toward us.
PIP
Oh, heavens!
A little sign on the asteroid says: MUST KILL KENNY.
INT. CLASSROOM - DAY
Mr. Garrison ignores Pip tugging at his sleeve.
MR. GARRISON
Class, I have an extremely urgent
announcement.
PIP
Me too, sir, me too!
MR. GARRISON
Oh no, you little munchkin! I give
the important news around here.
PIP
But Mr. Garrison, I must speak!
MR. GARRISON
Kyle, can you come up here and gag
Mr. Babbly-Brain? Thank you.
Kyle ties a bandana around Pip's mouth. The top of Pip's
head turns purple.
MR. GARRISON (CONT'D)
Now, the urgent news... Hollywood
is coming to South Park!
ALL
Yay!!
MR. GARRISON
That's right, children, all the way
from Los Angeles, California, the
chlamydia capital of the world...
ALL
Yay!!
MR. GARRISON (CONT'D)
...comes the Planet Megahype
Hollywood History Tour!
ALL
Yay!!
MR. GARRISON
Our gymnasium will be the site of a
traveling show of venerations and
memorabilia!
Silence.
MR. GARRISON (CONT'D)
That means you get out of school.
ALL
Yay!!
MR. GARRISON
Now, Pip, what boring piece of
tripe must you share with us?
PIP
(removes gag)
Meteors are heading right for South
Park!
CARTMAN
What the hell is a "meteor"?
KYLE
You know, like a small shooting star.
PIP
Yes, many inferior stars are coming
right at us!
MR. GARRISON
Jeez Louise, I just announced that.
Detention for you, you little fop!
EXT. SPACE
Another meteor joins the first. Its sign: THE ENGLISH
KID TOO.
EXT. GYMNASIUM - DAY
A large banner announces:
PLANET MEGAHYPE HOLLYWOOD HISTORY TOUR!
Since Mid 1998
INT. GYMNASIUM
Most of South Park checks out the action. An unctuous,
polished guide leads a group around, including the bored
kids, Mr. Garrison, Mrs. Cartman and Chef.
STAN
This blows.
KYLE
So much for something cool coming
to town.
CARTMAN
At least your mom's not tagging
along...
Mrs. Cartman adjusts his cap.
GUIDE
...And here in the "Why They're
Important And You're Not" section,
we've duplicated some of the most
famous body parts in all of
Hollywood. This, for example, is
the dimple of "ER"s George Clooney!
A replica cheek with a little divot sits on a small stand
under glass.
KYLE
Sweet!
STAN
That looks pretty realistic...
GUIDE
Oh, you caught us! This particular
exhibit is not a reproduction, but
actually Mr. Clooney's genuine flesh!
KYLE
But George Clooney is still alive!
Doesn't he need his dimple?
INT. GEORGE CLOONEY'S BREAKFAST NOOK
The handsome TV doctor lifts a spoonful of cereal into his
mouth. It spills out of the gaping whole in the side of
his face.
AT A FULL-BODY EXHIBIT
The crowd stands in front of a wax replica of a handsome
though aging actor, wearing a mail carrier's outfit.
GUIDE
He wouldn't let us take his
wonderful teeth, but this uniform
here on Erik Estrada was the same
one repeatedly torn off by co-star
Morgan Fairchild in the TV movie,
"Dick Postal: Postal Dick". It's
practically a museum piece!
They look at the grinning replica.
STAN
Dude, Erik Estrada's whole career
is a museum piece.
The crowd laughs and moves on. The wax dummy's smile fades.
ERIK ESTRADA
Ah, jeez.
Erik mopes away.
BRAD PITT EXHIBIT
They group approaches a display of what can only be buttocks.
STAN
Look at that ass!
GUIDE
Yes, that's hunky actor Brad Pitt's
gluteus maximus!
KYLE
Um, it's not really Brad Pitt's
butt, is it?
GUIDE
No, this realistic replica is
sculpted in Arizona clay!
CHEF
Damn, look how small the booty is.
MR. GARRISON
And muscular!
They look at him.
MR. GARRISON (CONT'D)
I mean, compared to Mel Gibson's.
(more looks)
Uh...
Mrs. Cartman runs her hand over its surface.
MRS. CARTMAN
Oh, Bradley!
CARTMAN
Mom!!
Kyle looks to his friends.
KYLE
This behavior does not surprise me.
Pip pushes his way to the front of the crowd.
PIP
I can't believe all this attention
to Hollywood when we should be
preparing for our possible doom!
What about the meteors??
STAN
Meteor, shmeteor. They'll never
hit South Park.
KYLE
Yeah, you wuss. Nothing exciting
ever happens here.
Pip leaves in disgust, and the group moves on, except for
Cartman.
CLOSE ON CARTMAN
as he stares at the exhibit.
ON BUTT
as it sits there. From nowhere, a whisper.
WHISPER (O.S.)
Cartman...
ON CARTMAN
CARTMAN
(wide-eyed)
Huh?
CLOSER ON THE BUTT
Lilting, "Field of Dreams"-type music.
WHISPER (O.S.)
Impress your friends...
CARTMAN'S EYES
dart back and forth.
CARTMAN
Jesus?
INT. GYMNASIUM - BY DOOR
Cartman rejoins his pals. He looks heavier than usual -
his stomach hangs out from under his shirt.
CARTMAN
This sucks, let's get outta here.
STAN
Cartman, did you like, get fatter
in the last two hours?
CARTMAN
Shut up, hippie! Let's go!
STAN
Well hey, is it just me, or does
Cartman look like he has an ass in
front now, too?
Cartman opens his coat to reveal the Brad Pitt replica.
CARTMAN
Heh! I stole Mr. Brad Pitt's butt!
What about them apples?
KYLE
Cartman! You'll get us all in
trouble!
Kenny pulls his hood tighter.
CARTMAN
Not if we run fast enough! Run,
you pussies, run!!
EXT. GYMNASIUM
Stan, Kyle and Kenny race across the snow. Many lengths
back, Cartman spirits the replica away.
CARTMAN
I got it, I got the ass! Hey,
South Park, Eric Cartman stole the
movie star's ass!!
INT. CARTMAN'S BEDROOM - LATER
Cartman plays with the casting, pushing a pair of honeydews
against it.
CARTMAN
(girl's voice)
Oh, Brad Pitt, you're so sexy, let me
press my melons against your butt...
The rump falls over, breaking in two.
CARTMAN (CONT'D)
Oh, sh#t!
MRS. CARTMAN (O.S.)
What's going on in there, honey?
CARTMAN
Nothing, Mom! Just playing with my
butt!
Cartman hunches in realization.
MRS. CARTMAN
Okay, honey, just be sure to wash
your hands afterwards.
Cartman looks at the hard clay pieces.
CARTMAN
Aww no, I broke Brad Pitt's butt!
EXT. SPACE
To the tune of "Ride of the Valkyries", a whole group of
meteors streak toward us. A third sign: KILL THEM ALL.
INT. CARTMAN'S BEDROOM
Cartman's friends call him to the mat.
STAN
I can't believe you kyped it,
Cartman, what were you thinking?
CARTMAN
I was bored, okay??
KYLE
I'm not sure "boredom" adequately
covers stealing a man's rear end.
STAN
Yeah, dude, you got issues!
CARTMAN
I don't have issues! A little
voice in my head told me to steal
the ass!
The other three look at each other.
CARTMAN (CONT'D)
Oh, shut up! You're just jealous
'cause I had the guts to do
something exciting!
STAN
Not this kind of excitement,
Cartman! What happens when they
find out it's missing?
KYLE
Yeah, just return it before we all
get in trouble!
CARTMAN
Um... I can't.
STAN
Why not??
Cartman produces the two - separated - cheeks.
CARTMAN
I broke it.
KYLE
Oh my God!!
STAN
I think I'm gonna have a heart
attack...
KYLE
If you don't return that man's ass,
Cartman, we're all screwed!
STAN
I'm not going to jail for you,
dude! I'm the future of America!
CARTMAN
Look, I got some glue, just hold
the two pieces for me, okay?
Stan and Kyle each reluctantly grab a half. Cartman
squirts a load of white wood glue on each cheek.
KENNY
Mrph rmph myphaw.
KYLE
What kind of movie?
STAN
Never mind!
They press the pieces together and place the repaired
exhibit on a table.
CARTMAN
See, everything's just fine, they
won't even notice.
KYLE
You got lucky this time, Cartman.
Now just return it and let's forget
this ever happened!
CARTMAN
Yeah, okay...
STAN
Once it's back in the exhibit,
nobody will ever know, and we'll
all be able to relax!
Kenny sneezes. The butt falls apart and hits the floor,
cracking into several pieces.
MRS. CARTMAN (O.S.)
Eric?
EXT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE - SECONDS LATER
Stan, Kyle and Kenny run from the house screaming. From a
window, Cartman yells after them.
CARTMAN
C'mon back, you guys! I got more
glue!
COMMERCIAL BREAK #1
INT. CLASSROOM - NEXT DAY
The kids enter.
STAN
No, Cartman, no way!
CARTMAN
But the butt doesn't look like a
butt anymore!
STAN
I will not --
Wendy walks by. Stan lowers his voice.
STAN (CONT'D)
I will not let you make a plaster
cast of my ass, you homo!
KYLE
You're outta control, Cartman. We
don't even know you anymore!
Cartman frets, then approaches Mr. Garrison. He whispers
into his teacher's ear.
MR. GARRISON
You want to make a plaster cast of
my what??
CARTMAN
Uh... for a science experiment,
honest! You know: size, shape,
destiny...
MR. GARRISON
Eric, that request is so twisted
that I must report you to the
school counselor this instant!
CARTMAN
No!!
Cartman turns desperately to his friends.
CARTMAN (CONT'D)
(sotto)
If you guys don't help get me outta
this, I'll say you were all in on
it with me!
MR. GARRISON
Let's go, Eric.
STAN
Uh, Mr. Garrison? Please don't
report Cartman.
KYLE
Yeah... I think maybe Cartman just
had a bad childhood - you know,
kindergarten? Maybe he was ignored
by his slutty mom, so he just asked
you that in a desperate cry for
attention...
MR. GARRISON
A cry for attention?
STAN
Kind of like that lame-o hand
puppet of yours.
MR. GARRISON
Hmmm... I understand. Well, I
won't report it, but Eric, you are
on your own on this plaster thing.
Good golly!
(beat)
Now then, it's Monday, let's learn
from my stories...
He turns on the:
TELEVISION
and a Special Bulletin breaks:
ANCHOR
If you have just this moment
coincidentally just tuned in, we
have an urgent bulletin from a
painfully handsome white man using
his mother's maiden name...
EXT. GYMNASIUM - DAY
Townsfolk with stricken faces stand behind the newsman.
SKIP TRUJILLO
Bob, we've just received word that
a series of meteors is approaching
Earth, and may mean the total
destruction of South Park!
(beat)
But more importantly, a famous
person's ass has been violated!
I'm here at the South Park
Gymnasium, site of the Planet
Megahype Hollywood History Tour.
Apparently, one of the most popular
exhibits has been stolen - the
buttocks of one Bradley Phillip
Pitt, another handsome man like
myself. Ma'am, a comment?
He turns to Mrs. Cartman, who wails like a Middle-Eastern
widow:
MRS. CARTMAN
I, I... it was... (sniff) oh,
smooth... (choke) uh... (sob)
firm... Waaaaaaa!!!
She collapses. The reporter turns.
SKIP TRUJILLO
Officer?
OFFICER BARBRADY
Obviously, someone really wanted
Mr. Pitt's boom-boom. My guess is
that slut, Mrs. Cartman.
MRS. CARTMAN
(lifts head)
Hey!!
OFFICER BARBRADY
One thing's for sure, though:
(CU into camera)
I will dedicate my every waking
hour to rectifying this rectum, and
solving this heinous, anus crime!
Pip walks by wearing a sandwich board:
REPENT!
THE END IS NEAR!
Denny's Meteor Slam
$1.99
BACK TO CLASSROOM
MR. GARRISON
Oh, I'd love to get my hands on
that butt!
The kids mouths drop open.
MR. GARRISON (CONT'D)
Er, the hoodlum who stole that
tight, young butt!
(beat)
Uh...
BACK ON TELEVISION
SKIP TRUJILLO
Well, Bob, I think it's safe to say
that today is a black mark in the
history of South Park. If you want
this reporter's opinion, it was
probably some fat, jealous punk
whose butt doesn't look anything
like mine or Brad Pitt's...
Cartman frowns.
On TV, Jimbo and Ned push into frame, brandishing assault
rifles.
UNCLE JIMBO
Kill 'em! Kill the butt burglars!!
NED
(using voice box)
Let God sort them out.
The crowd cheers agreement as Jimbo and Ned fire into the
sky. Suddenly it seems everyone is firing weapons:
civilians, priests, old ladies, cows...
Cartman turns to his friends.
CARTMAN
That's it, I'm returning the ass
right now.
He leaves.
EXT. STREET
Cartman sneaks along the street, trying to keep the butt
concealed.
A police car slows, and the bullhorn fires up.
OFFICER BARBRADY
All right, hold it right there.
Barbrady gets out of the squad.
OFFICER BARBRADY (CONT'D)
Shouldn't you be in school, young
man? Say, what do you have under-
neath your coat there?
CARTMAN
Nothing.
OFFICER BARBRADY
Don't lie to me, tubby.
CARTMAN
I was just... bringing some pie to
my Grandma...
OFFICER BARBRADY
Where does she live?
CARTMAN
Uh... over hill and over dale?
OFFICER BARBRADY
Oh, how nice. Can I see the goodies?
CARTMAN
Unhh...
Cartman takes off.
OFFICER BARBRADY
Well, he must really be late to see
Grandma-ma. Pie sounds good,
though, I'm very hungry...
ON CARTMAN
as he runs around a corner and cuts into:
A DARK ALLEY
where he peeks out. Panting, he ducks back when Barbrady
drives by.
CARTMAN
Heh! I may be full-bodied, but I
can outrun some dumb cop!
He turns around, right into a GROWLING DOBERMAN.
CARTMAN (CONT'D)
Ahhh!!
Cartman drops the casting, which breaks into a dozen
pieces. The dog jumps on one, crunching it like kibble.
He shakes another like a captured rabbit.
CARTMAN (CONT'D)
No, no! Bad doggie!! Get offa it!
He grabs the butt chunk, and Cartman and the alley dog
struggle in a tug-of-war.
CARTMAN (CONT'D)
God dammit, doggie, let go!!
INT. CARTMAN'S BEDROOM - ON THE KIDS
Stan, Kyle and Kenny are all drop-jaw stunned. Cartman has
a hopeful face, as he shows them the current state of
Brad's rear end:
Riven with cracks and missing pieces, Cartman's pathetic
attempt at reconstruction looks like a mosaic globe, soiled
with dirt and doggie slobber.
STAN
Dude, it doesn't even look human!
CARTMAN
Aww, Christ, I'm a dead man! You
are talking to a dead man!
KYLE
Cartman, you gotta give yourself up!
CARTMAN
No, no, anything but!
They look at each other... and all burst out laughing.
ALL
Ha ha! / "Butt." / "Anything butt"!
STAN
Okay, shut up! What are you gonna do?
CARTMAN
I don't know!
KYLE
Let's get outta here, Stan, this is
madness.
STAN
Yeah, dude, don't call us until you
fix everything!
They leave Cartman alone in his bedroom.
CARTMAN
Well, screw you guys! I don't need
no stinking hippie friends! I can
figure this out all by --
(beat, realizing)
...myself...
EXT. STREET
Stan and Kyle walk away.
KYLE
Do you think we were too rough on him?
STAN
Dude, I won't go down with a
sinking ship.
KYLE
But Stan, he's our friend.
STAN
Not enough to go to prison for! I
don't wanna be some sixth-grader's
bitch!
Kyle stops his buddy. A faint strain of "Saints Are
Marching In" begins.
KYLE
But isn't that what friendship is
all about? Hanging in there when
the going gets tough? All for one,
against all odds, question
authority, stick it to the man?
Stan, it is our solemn duty as
Cartman's best - only - friends to
pick up his adventure and carry it
through to its logical conclusion!
(beat, music stops)
Besides, he owes me a quarter.
STAN
Yeah, okay.
(beat)
You know, I can see now that
solving this crisis is the most
important event in our whole
lives...
Pip approaches with a stack of flyers.
PIP
Would you gentlemen like to help --
POW!! Stan punches Pip's lights out. Papers flutter like
leaves from a tree.
INT. CARTMAN'S BEDROOM - CLOSE ON CARTMAN
on the phone.
CARTMAN
Hey, can you guys come over and
help me out?
STAN (O.S.)
Uh... Sure, Cartman, what is it?
CARTMAN
Oh, nothing much. Just bring a
jackhammer, okay?
We PULL BACK to reveal that Cartman's behind is stuck in
large washing tub. Numerous empty boxes lie on the floor:
"Buford's Plaster-O-Paree".
EXT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE - LATER
The kids approach, dragging a jackhammer as big as they are.
INT. CARTMAN'S BEDROOM
Cartman's three friends stare at his predicament.
STAN
Dude, no offense, but are you
getting dumber by the minute? Your
ass is huge compared to Brad Pitt's!
CARTMAN
I know, but I gotta return a butt
to the show! Any butt!
STAN
(to Kyle)
Do you feel like you're sinking in
quicksand, too??
KYLE
Just do it.
Stan fires up the jackhammer. This thing is so loud it's
incredible.
Cartman makes pointing gestures to his plaster-encased
rear, but of course, we can't hear him. Stan and Kyle
start yelling back, but it's all Charades now.
Stan heaves the tip of the construction tool up against the
metal washtub. BRATTATATTAT!!!
It sounds like a jumbo-jet in Cartman's bedroom, and Stan
vibrates like a can in a paint-mixer.
Through the cacophony, barely, a voice from behind the door:
MRS. CARTMAN (O.S.)
Eric?
EXT. PLAYGROUND - DAY
Cartman's rear end is wrapped in bandages, making it even
bigger than before.
CARTMAN
How can I get a molding of a really
small butt...?
STAN
You already tried that, Cartman,
and we almost got caught!
KYLE
I think you should tell your mom.
CARTMAN
Nuh-unh! You know what they do to
guys like me in jail?
KYLE
Feed them twice as much?
KENNY
Fmurph mphm maff.
ALL
Yeow! / Ouch! / Ow!
CARTMAN
I ain't tellin' my mom - she'll
turn me in!
STAN
Well, teachers are worthless...
KYLE
So who knows more about anything
than anybody?
INT. CAFETERIA
Chef soothes Pip.
CHEF
Don't you worry 'bout no space-
rocks, children, we're all gonna
die a grisly, fiery death when the
Earth spins into the sun in a few
years anyway, okay? Now, have a
good one!
Pip sulks away.
CHEF (CONT'D)
Hello, other children, how are you
today?
STAN
Bad.
CHEF
Why bad?
KYLE
Cartman stole Brad Pitt's butt and
now he broke it, and we're all in
trouble.
CHEF
You took it? You must return the
pilfered booty and confess!
CARTMAN
I don't wanna go to jail, Chef.
I'm too tender!
CHEF
Well, why the fudge did you steal
the buttocks in the first place?
CARTMAN
I was bored! Why don't people get
that? And I'm gonna get nailed
'cause all the replacement butts
are too big!
CHEF (CONT'D)
Too big?? Ain't no such thing,
children. Now let me tell you
'bout lovin' the large booty...
KYLE
Uh, Chef?
Soulful R&B starts throbbing.
CHEF
(spoken over music)
You know, a lot of people ask me
what kind of woman I like to make
sweet love with, what kind of
special qualities a lady have to
have, and to be honest with you, I
don't give a damn...
KYLE
No, Chef --
The music continues pumping.
CHEF
Tall or short, Venusian or Martian,
when a man like Chef need to give
that lovin', it just don't matter.
But if you ask me right here, right
now, I have to say...
CARTMAN
But Chef --
STAN
Just go with it, dude.
CHEF
(singing)
"I like a little meat with my mashed potatoes,
There's just more of you to luh-uvv,
I get a rise from a nice big booty,
I just wanna hump it like Stan's homo dog..."
STAN
Hey! I let you sing!
KYLE
But we do agree in principal, Chef.
CARTMAN
Stop!!
Cartman paces frantically.
CARTMAN (CONT'D)
Oh man, if only I had a small butt!
I could oil it all up again and
squat in some warm, wet plaster...
Mmmm...
The kids look at each other.
CHEF
Hell, if all you need is a smaller
booty, children, just get some
plastic surgery!
CARTMAN
What?
CHEF
Why sure, a little liposuction will
suck that fat ass down to a proper
cracker size in no time.
KYLE
Will that work?
STAN
I can't believe I'm gonna ask
this... but how, Chef?
CHEF
Well, I've been bonin' up on this
here book:
(holds up)
"Ike Turner Teaches Elective Surgery".
KYLE
It says, "Corrective Surgery".
CHEF
Hmm, so it does. Makes mo' sense,
now that I think about it...
CARTMAN
Are you sure you're the best person
to do this?
CHEF
Like I always say: Don't matter if
it's cookin', surgery or makin'
love - it's all just manipulatin'
meat. Ain't that right?
Blank looks.
CARTMAN
Are you gonna suck me or what?
INT. CAFETERIA - LATER
Cartman lies prone on the dish-tray conveyer belt.
CHEF
Now, remember, children,
liposuction is not a substitute for
good nutrition and exercise...
KYLE
Uh-huh...
CHEF
And some people are genetically
predispositioned to fatitude, so
you can't just stuff your yap again
after I --
CARTMAN
Shut up and cut me! Cut me!!
Chef cribs from the book.
CHEF
Okay, first, we have to put you
under with anesthesia. Kenny,
apply The Stinky Sock.
Kenny holds up a wretched, moldy sock. Cockroaches and
rats squeal out of the kitchen.
STAN
(pinching nose)
Jesus Christ that smells!
KYLE
That's hideous, Kenny!
CARTMAN
What's everybody talking about -
Kenny's socks don't stink.
STAN
He's not going under, Chef.
CHEF
But children, you gotta be
unconscious before I do any fat
removal...
Chef holds up the lipo cannula - sparks shoot out the end
like a nuclear-powered cattle prod.
Cartman faints.
SLOW FADE OUT
As we fade, the sound of great crackling, sloshing and
sizzling.
CHEF (O.S.)
Ahhh, ain't nothin' like the smell
of a good rump roast...
COMMERCIAL BREAK #2
EXT. PLAYGROUND - BY SCHOOL
Stan, Kyle and Kenny wait.
STAN
He's been in there almost an hour!
Smoke pours out around the kitchen door seams, and slurpy
sizzling sounds fill the air.
And it stops. A moment, then:
KYLE
Here he comes!
Out from the smoke, in slow motion ala The Right Stuff,
comes the familiar fat face... But damn if it ain't on top
of a toothpick body.
Cartman looks like a lollipop.
KYLE
Cartman! You're skinny!
Stan sniffs.
STAN
Do you smell bacon?
Cartman preens.
CARTMAN
Gentlemen, it is a new world!
STAN
Okay, we gotta make a mold - what
kind of stuff feels like a movie-
star's butt?
INT. STORE
Thin Cartman stands before a candy-store clerk.
CARTMAN
Two pounds of Juju Bears, please.
CLERK
Damn, son, you might wanna slow
down on the sweets, or you'll
become a fat-ass like that
Cartman kid!
CARTMAN
(gets candy)
Thanks, I'll take that under
advisement... Jag-off!
INT. CARTMAN KITCHEN
The kids work the stove, pouring JuJu Bears into a pot.
MRS. CARTMAN (O.S.)
Eric?
They quickly turn around.
MRS. CARTMAN (CONT'D)
Smells good, honey, what are you
boys cooking up?
KENNY
Mrab biphs mutt.
STAN
Shut up, Kenny!
MRS. CARTMAN
Well, be sure to have seconds,
Eric. You look a little hungry.
Toothpick-Cartman's friends look at him.
CARTMAN
Sure thing, Mom.
MRS. CARTMAN
(sniffs)
Mmmm... whatever it is, I can't
wait to sink my teeth into it!
KYLE
It probably wouldn't be the first
time, Mrs. Cartman.
MRS. CARTMAN
What?
CARTMAN
Zip it, Jew-boy!
EXT. STREET - ON PHONE POLE
A hand-written flyer says:
SUICIDE CLUB
Call Pip
555-5555 x5
Officer Barbrady tacks up a poster right over it:
WANTED
Brad Pitt's Butt
And the thief who took it!
$2000 Reward
Jimbo sees the sign.
UNCLE JIMBO
Hell, for two grand I'll cut off
mah own ass and sell it!
A couple other South Parkers marvel at the offer.
INT. CAFETERIA - DAY
Chef talks to the kids.
CHEF
Now, children, about my bill...
CARTMAN
Huh? I thought you operated on me
for free!
CHEF
Oh, no, children, Chef's got bills,
too. Love oils, vibratory devices,
solid brass trapeze winches... You
owe me a thousand dollars!
CARTMAN
But I don't have any money left!
Thirteen boxes of plaster, two
pounds of Juju Bears, jackhammer
rental... I'm as poor as Kenny!
CHEF
I'm sorry, children, I need that
money by tomorrow, or I'll have to
put all the fat back in.
CARTMAN
What??
STAN
You saved it??
A PANTRY SHELF
Jars of thick, yellow fluid sit with flies buzzing around.
BACK TO SCENE
CHEF
Of course I did, what do you think
gave Chef's Garden Burgers Especialé
that ol' grill-fried taste?
All four kids spasm vomiting. When he recovers:
CARTMAN
I can't believe I'm still in
trouble... Look how perfect my
fake butt is...
He produces the new JuJu Pitt butt - indistinguishable from
the original.
Officer Barbrady walks in.
OFFICER BARBRADY
Say, Chef, do you have any pie?
Maybe cherry, or pumpkin, or --
Barbrady sees the butt, and quickly produces his revolver
and a megaphone. He booms a single command:
OFFICER BARBRADY
Step away from the boom-boom!!
The kids raise their hands to the sky. The butt falls to
the floor and bounces away.
CHEF
We'll talk later...
COMMERCIAL BREAK #3
EXT. BUS STOP - NEXT DAY
The South Park kids look very happy.
STAN
Pretty cool that you didn't get
arrested, Cartman.
KYLE
We don't know what we woulda done
if you were in jail.
CARTMAN
Heh, jail! That would kick ass!
STAN
They'd really like your new little
butt!
CARTMAN
Yeah, nobody understands the fears of
a handsome criminal like myself...
STAN
Uh, yeah...
KYLE
Well, congratulations, Cartman.
You fooled Barbrady into believing
that you were just returning the
butt, you paid off Chef, and the
candy store gave you a month's
supply of MooMoo Pies!
STAN
Dude, you scammed everyone.
CARTMAN
And my ass is on tour across the
country!
KYLE
Sweet!
STAN
Have a MooMoo Pie, hero!
Cartman takes a single bite, and POP! -- instantly balloons
up to his original fat weight.
KYLE
Wow, Chef wasn't kidding about that
genetic thing, was he?
CARTMAN
Hmmm.
(beat)
C'est la vie. But what a great
town, huh? New people always
showing up, new thrills every
week...
STAN
Yeah, but you know, I still get the
feeling something is missing...
KYLE
Yeah, unfinished business or
something. Oh, look, it's Kenny.
Hey, Kenny!
Kenny stands in a meadow, holding a dachshund on a leash.
He waves.
The three kids look at each other.
ALL
Look out, Kenny!!
A meteor screams in - zzzthunk!! - crushing the little dog.
KENNY
Moly shmidd!!
Another unearthly whine, and Kenny takes off. A meteor
hits the ground in front of him.
He reverses, and a third meteor buries into the snow,
cutting him off. The boys gasp.
And it becomes a South Park shooting gallery: our little
hooded one racing back and forth in the meadow as space-
rocks scream into the Earth, narrowly missing him again and
again.
Zzzzthunk! Zhhzhthunk!! ZHZHZHTHUNK!!!
Kyle turns to his buddies.
KYLE
Dude, if this wasn't so goddamm
fun, I would have to comment that
this is about as f##ked up as it
gets right here, you know?
Suddenly, it stops. Which is good, because Kenny can keep
it up no longer. He pauses among a field of boulders,
panting...
And then, a sound - deep, primordial, groaning. From
space. A huge meteor obliterates the entire meadow.
STAN
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Silence in the field.
But then, a muffled protest!
Kenny struggles out from underneath the meteor.
KENNY
Meym nomay!
KYLE
He's okay!
A little sign ("GOODBYE KENNY") peels from the giant
boulder, slowly fluttering down...
And the edge of it slices the poor kid's neck wide open.
Blood spews out like a fountain, and Kenny falls over.
STAN (CONT'D)
Oh my God! They killed Kenny!!
KYLE
You space-bastards!!
A long, looong gape-mouthed moment. Our kids just can't
believe it this time...
Kenny is really, really dead.
CARTMAN
Pretty f##king exciting, though.
They laugh.
END.
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Screenplay created with Final Draft, which is a darn fine product. (Link goes to Amazon, because I like passive income. #advertising)
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