March 22, 2001

                          NOTE FROM ERIC:
               The 74th Annual Academy Awards are 
               on March 25th, but let's face it -- 
                after 73 years of this thing, it
                 has gotten rather predictable...

     The Top 9 Highlights of the Alternative Universe Oscars

 9. Unseasonably warm March day causes Joan Rivers to melt.

 8. Host Steve Martin shows up 45 minutes late, shouting
    obscenities and wearing only a beer-stained "Tinky Winky"

 7. Lions released into audience during interactive Gladiator

 6. After seeing Angelina Jolie in one, now everyone's gonna
    be clamoring for a burlap gown.

 5. Lifetime Achievement award for Keanu Reeves leaves audience
    in tears.

 4. Elaborate dance numbers replaced by quartet of old men
    complaining about irritable bowel syndrome.

 3. Crouching Tiger shows up in elegant Dior evening gown,
    Hidden Dragon just looks like a slut.

 2. Nominees told to use Oscar statue to show where Arnold
    Schwarzenegger bad-touched them.

  and the Number 1 Highlight of the Alternative Universe Oscars...

 1. Like its predecessors, Good Burger 3 sweeps the major awards.

              [   Copyright 2001 by Chris White   ]
              [          www.topfive.com          ]

Selected from 41 submissions from 11 contributors.
Today's Top 5 List authors are:
Jude Benlab, Swarthmore, PA     -- 1, 3, 6 (Hat Trick!)
Aimee Spanier, Oakland, CA      -- 2, 8
Leon Dekelbaum, Washington, DC  -- 4
Jennifer A. Ford, Ft. Wayne, IN -- 5
Wade Kwon, Birmingham, AL       -- 6
Douglas Jones, Santa Cruz, CA   -- 7
Bonnie Blippo, Wellesley, MA    -- 9
Eric F. Lipton, Washington, DC  -- Script Doctor

[      Copyright 2001 by Chris White   All rights reserved.      ]
[           Do not forward, publish, broadcast, or use           ]
[          in any manner without crediting "TopFive.com"         ]

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