Frasier

"Two Ships, One Shill"

by Kristian Idol










The following screenplay is Registered with the WGA #663479 and Copyright 1997 by Kristian Idol.
Use of any material, in whole or in part, is expressly forbidden without prior written consent.





                                    
                                    
                                    
                                 ACT ONE
                                 
                                 
                                    A

    
    
    
    FADE IN:

    INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

    ALMOST COMPLETELY DARK.

    A SHADOWY FIGURE SEARCHES THE DISPLAY CASE.  THE MAN 
    MOVES TO THE COUCH AND PULLS AWAY THE CUSHIONS...

                             MARTIN (O.S.)

              I have a gun!

    THE FIGURE CROUCHES, DEAD STILL.  RUFFLED MARTIN 
    PEEKS AROUND THE CORNER.

                             MARTIN

              I'm an ex-cop, and I'm pissed you woke 

              me up!

    HE FLICKS THE LIGHTS ON.  AMIDST THE RANSACKED ROOM 
    STANDS...

                             MARTIN

              Frasier!  What the hell are you doing?

                             FRASIER

              Straightening up?

    MARTIN SCOWLS.

                             FRASIER (CONT'D)

              I was looking for my watch.

                             MARTIN

              Maybe that's why you don't know it's 

              five in the morning!  You scared me 

              half to death, son, I could've shot 

              you.

                             FRASIER

              Is the cane a .44 or a .357?

    MARTIN IS DEVOID OF GUN.

                             MARTIN

              So I was groggy - how about I beat the 

              crap outta ya?

                             FRASIER

              Anything is better than this sheer 

              agony.  I've turned the apartment 

              upside down...

                             MARTIN

              What is so important about a watch 

              that --  Oh Jeez, it's that fancy one.

                             FRASIER

              Yes, the Cartier.  Tell me immediately 

              if you find my French watch.

                             MARTIN

              The Eiffel Tower probably cost less 

              than ten thousand dollars!  There's 

              more important things in the world, 

              you know.

                             FRASIER

              Dad, it's importance to me has nothing 

              whatsoever to do with price.  And it 

              was eleven thousand.

    HE CONTINUES LOOKING.  DAPHNE ENTERS, RUBBING SLEEP FROM 
    HER EYES.

                             DAPHNE

              Oh, my... I dreamt I was playing poker 

              with Gandhi, Elvis Presley and Mother 

              Nature...  And Elvis was digging in 

              the couch for a banana split...

                             MARTIN

              The King was just looking for his 

              common sense.

                             FRASIER

              I must find my gold watch...

                             DAPHNE

              It's very important to you, isn't it?

                             FRASIER

              Oh!  A vision, Daphne?

                             DAPHNE

              No, it's just so bloody early!

                             MARTIN

              Why were you looking in the dark, 

              anyway?

                             FRASIER

              I... didn't want to wake you.

                             MARTIN

              And I didn't want a bunion the size of 

              a golf ball, but we can't un-ring those 

              bells.  Might as well just stay up.

    HE SITS IN HIS CHAIR.

                             FRASIER

              I will not rest until I get it back...

                             DAPHNE

              (RUBS EYES, YAWNS)  Sounds like coffee 

              and biscuits, then.

    SHE SHUFFLES OFF.  FRASIER STOPS AND FRETS.

                             MARTIN

              If it'll make ya feel better, I had a 

              pretty strong attachment to a baseball 

              glove when I was ten...

                             FRASIER

              Oh, please, Dad, this was a very dear 

              possession.

                             MARTIN

              So was Lefty!  Best darn mitt I ever 

              owned.

    FRASIER FEIGNS ACTING:

                             FRASIER

              Oh, fine European craftsmanship, how 

              do I love thee?  Shall I compare thee 

              to... abused, dead animal hide??

                             MARTIN

              It's an overpriced hunk of metal!  And 

              you've trashed your apartment looking 

              for it.

    DAPHNE RETURNS, APPARENTLY STILL A BIT GROGGY - SHE 
    CARRIES A TRAY OF...

                             DAPHNE

              Banana splits, anyone?

                             FRASIER

              No... thank you, Daphne.  Oh, did you 

              see my Cartier watch in the kitchen?

                             DAPHNE

              No, but I did find a little ant making 

              his merry way across the counter.  Do 

              you want me to call the exterminator?

                             FRASIER

              Just ignore it.

    HE SEARCHES THE COUCH AGAIN.

                             MARTIN

              Ignore it??

                             FRASIER

              An insect, Dad?  A bug??  I can't be 

              bothered with such trifles now.  What 

              possible bad thing can come from such 

              an insignificant little pest?

    EDDIE RUNS IN, HOPS INTO MARTIN'S LAP AND STARES 
    DIRECTLY AT FRASIER.

                             FRASIER (CONT'D)

              Noted.

    AS WE:

                                               FADE OUT.












                                    B

    
    
    
    FADE IN:

    INT. RADIO STUDIO - DAY

    EMPTY.  FRASIER RACES IN, DISHEVELED.  ROZ ENTERS.

                             ROZ

              Where were you??  You haven't been late 

              once in four years - I thought you were 

              hurt or left for dead somewhere!

                             FRASIER

              You didn't call the police, did you?

                             ROZ

              No, I just re-ran Friday's show.

                             FRASIER

              Friday??  The one where I --

                             ROZ

              Forgot the caller's name seven times, 

              yes.  Never hang your producer out to 

              dry, you will pay.  What happened?

    FRASIER RUBS HIS EMPTY WRIST.

                             FRASIER

              Let's just get to work, shall we?

    MIFFED, SHE RETURNS TO HER BOOTH AND SIGNALS HIM.  
    FRASIER BEGINS AS HE SMOOTHS HIMSELF OUT.

                             FRASIER

              Good afternoon, Seattle, I'm back in 

              the flesh.  I apologize for my 

              tardiness... and especially to 

              Friday's caller Ken.  Thank you, Ken, 

              for the courage to call.  I'll always 

              remember you, Ken, because you...  

              Ken, were an important caller.  (BEAT)  

              Ken.  Moving forward...  (HITS BUTTON)  

              This is Dr. Frasier Crane, I'm 

              listening...

                             CALLER #1 (V.O.)

              I'm afraid, Dr. Crane.

                             FRASIER

              Okay, identifying the feeling is a 

              good start, but let's focus a bit.  

              What specifically makes you feel 

              afraid?

                             CALLER #1 (V.O.)

              It's...  my clothes.

                             FRASIER

              You're afraid of your clothing?

                             CALLER #1 (V.O.)

              I think my underwear is conspiring 

              against me...

    FRASIER LOOKS TO ROZ, WHO'S SMIRKING "SO THERE".

                                             DISSOLVE TO:

    INT. RADIO STUDIO - LATER

    FRASIER STARES OFF, PREOCCUPIED.

                             CALLER #2 (V.O.)

              ...and then when Spock died, I just 

              couldn't stop crying and crying...

    ROZ'S TAPPING INTERRUPTS FRASIER'S THOUGHTS - SHE 
    HURRIEDLY MAKES THE "CUT" SIGNAL.

                             FRASIER

              Yes, thank you for that insight... 

              (LOOKING AT NOTES)  ...Commander Zog.  

              This is KACL and Dr. Frasier Crane 

              saying, "May all the voices you hear 

              be real ones."

    HE FLIPS A SWITCH AND SLUMPS INTO THE CHAIR.  ROZ ENTERS 
    HIS BOOTH.

                             ROZ

              What is with you today?  I haven't 

              seen you this distracted since 

              Engineer Bob told you your voice does 

              sound as weird as you think.  Is it 

              the late thing?

                             FRASIER

              I can't tell you, Roz.

                             ROZ

              I'll get the Commander back...

                             FRASIER

              All right.  I lost my watch.

                             ROZ

              Oh, come on.  Did Martin's dog eat 

              your homework, too?

                             FRASIER

              I'm being honest!  When I got home this 

              morning, I looked everywhere for it.

                             ROZ

              This morning?  Where were you last 

              night?

    FRASIER HESITATES.

                             FRASIER

              I'm not telling.

    SHE CROSSES HER ARMS.

                             FRASIER (CONT'D)

              Well, I'm torn.  I'm not comfortable 

              with asking for help...  But I suppose 

              if anyone has a wealth of information 

              in this area, it would be you...  

                             ROZ

              Now I'm flattered, Frasier.  What am I 

              such an expert in?

                             FRASIER

              I had a one-night stand.

                             ROZ

              You just don't know how bad the calls 

              can get, do you?

                             FRASIER

              The first time in my life I've ever 

              done something like that... and I just 

              realized... she stole my wristwatch.

                             ROZ

              Serves you right.

                             FRASIER

              What??

                             ROZ

              For all the teasing about my 

              occasional lovers.

                             FRASIER

              "Occasional", Roz?  Your lovelife has 

              more to do with clockwork than my 

              missing Cartier!

                             ROZ

              Are you sure you didn't just leave it 

              somewhere?

                             FRASIER

              Oh, I've already risked a beating to 

              disprove that.

                             ROZ

              So buy a new one.  It's not like they 

              pay you in rat pellets, you know.

                             FRASIER

              I can't replace it.  It was very 

              special to me.

    BULLDOG ENTERS.

                             BULLDOG

              What was very special?

                             FRASIER

              Nothing your little ball-and-stick 

              brain would understand, Bulldog.

                             BULLDOG

              No problemo!  So, Doc, what's with the 

              bags under the eyes?  Up late watching 

              the 'Hawks?

                             FRASIER

              Yes, immediately after Satan bought 

              his down parka.

                             ROZ

              He slept with some woman who stole his 

              watch.

                             FRASIER

              Roz!

                             BULLDOG

              Bummer.  I hope it was worth it.

                             FRASIER

              Not eleven thousand dollars...

                             BULLDOG

              Wow!  Track that woman down - so I can 

              have a crack at her!

                             FRASIER

              Can we drop this, please?  You two 

              have no concept of the word "shame"!

    BULLDOG SETS UP HIS GONG.

                             BULLDOG

              Ah, ya gotta give 'em a little trophy.  

              I usually leave my bikini briefs.  Woof!

    CLANG!!

                             FRASIER

              I rest my case.

    AS WE:

                                               FADE OUT.

    












                                    C
    
    
    
    

    A BLACK SCREEN.  IN WHITE LETTERS APPEARS "MORE LIKE 
    ONE SHIP AND A DINGHY."
    
    FADE IN:

    INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - DAY

    FRASIER ENTERS, STILL ANXIOUS.  MARTIN PLAYS SOLITAIRE.

                             MARTIN

              Interesting day at work, son?

                             FRASIER

              You listened.

                             MARTIN

              Nah, Daphne told me.  The watch still 

              botherin' ya?

                             FRASIER

              I'm afraid I can't talk about it 

              right now.

                             MARTIN

              You won't tell your old man?  C'mon, 

              I got nothin' but time...

    FRASIER WINCES, MARTIN SMIRKS.  NILES ENTERS FROM THE 
    KITCHEN.

                             NILES

              Well, as they say on the street, 

              "Spill it, bro."

                             FRASIER

              Watching Dad's tapes of Baretta again, 

              Niles?

                             NILES

              I "did that crime", I guess I'll have 

              to "do the time"!

    FRASIER WINCES AGAIN.  MARTIN LOVES IT.

                             MARTIN

              That one was just a coincidence.

                             FRASIER

              Please... Dad, Niles, I'm really not 

              in the mood for any teasing, I'm under 

              a lot of emotional stress...

                             NILES

              Perhaps you should take some time off.

                             FRASIER

              Okay, okay!  Can't we just forget that 

              I've lost my Cartier watch??

                             NILES

              The Cartier?  Not the one Lilith gave 

              you?

                             FRASIER

              Yes!!  Yes, it was the diamond watch 

              given to me as a last ditch effort to 

              save my marriage a mere few weeks before 

              Lilith abandoned me!  But it's 

              meaningless!  I could NOT care less!!

    THE ROOM IS SILENT.

                             NILES

              Thus effectively illustrating the 

              "denial" phase of loss...

                             MARTIN

              Lilith gave you the pricey watch?

                             NILES

              Oopsy, guess he never copped to the 

              copper about that one.

                             FRASIER

              Oh, to suffer the slings and arrows of 

              outrageous fortune...

    DAPHNE ENTERS.

                             DAPHNE

              Greetings, Dr. Crane.  Say, did you ever 

              find your --

    FRASIER GLARES HER INTO SUBMISSION.

                             DAPHNE (CONT'D)

              -- laundry?  Because I think I'll 

              wash... something... back here...

    SHE RETREATS.

                             NILES

              You know, Frasier, I may be the 

              happy-go-lucky one in the family --

    LOOKS ASKANCE.

                             NILES (CONT'D)

              ...but even I don't become this 

              attached to an accessory item.

                             FRASIER

              It was my marriage.  I still have 

              feelings for the woman!

    MARTIN AND NILES SHUDDER SIMULTANEOUSLY.

                             MARTIN

              It's been four years, Frasier, maybe 

              it's time you let the good ship Ice 

              Princess sail.

    FRASIER SIGHS.  A LONG MOMENT.

                             FRASIER

              I'm afraid I haven't been entirely 

              truthful with you all...

                             MARTIN

              There's something else you haven't 

              told us?

                             FRASIER

              Amazingly so, considering this 

              familial grilling makes the Spanish 

              Inquisition look like a tea salon!

                             NILES

              Okay, man, time to 'fess up.

                             FRASIER

              Let it go, Niles, you're beginning to 

              sound like Truman Capote reading "In 

              Cold Blood".

                             MARTIN

              You spend all day making people spill 

              their guts and you won't even tell 

              your family...

                             DAPHNE

              Oh, yes, please.  "This is Daphne 

              Moon, and I'm listening."

    FRASIER STRUGGLES, THEN CONCEDES.

                             FRASIER

              I met a woman last night... and 

              despite my better judgement... we 

              slept together.

                             NILES

              Yowza!  A tryst.  A dalliance.  A walk 

              on the wild side, even.

                             FRASIER

              Yes, all that and a hearty dollop of 

              punishment, too.  After a day and a 

              half of searching, I've realized that 

              I didn't lose my precious watch - my 

              femme adultére stole it.

                             MARTIN

              Did you file a (SARCASTIC FRENCH 

              ACCENT) crime-eh re-porté?

                             FRASIER

              No, Dad, I've already told too many 

              people.  As an intelligent, respected 

              professional, this whole event is 

              incredibly embarrassing.  It's not 

              exactly Tristan und Isolde.

                             NILES

              More like Lady und The Tramp.

                             MARTIN

              Did you get her address or phone 

              number?  I can have someone search the 

              files.

                             FRASIER

              No...  We were simply two ships, 

              passing in the night...

                             MARTIN

              Lemme interrupt ya here for a sec.  

              You know, I'm sorry for you, Frasier, 

              but if you compare one more thing in 

              your life to an opera, I think I'm 

              gonna puke.

                             NILES

              "Two ships" is Shakespeare, Dad - 

              theatre is markedly different from 

              opera.

                             MARTIN

              Ya pay a hundred bucks and listen to a 

              bunch of screamin' meemies - oh yeah, 

              it's completely different!

                             DAPHNE

              I've always enjoyed hearing Dr. Crane 

              talk about the theatre - it gives him 

              a sort of grace.

    FRASIER RAISES HIS EYEBROW AT MARTIN.

                             FRASIER

              Grace?

                             DAPHNE

              Even if you did drop your knickers for 

              a little slap-and-tickle...

                             MARTIN

              So, how did you hook up with this 

              woman?  I can spot the lowlifes a mile 

              away - I thought you picked that up 

              from me.

                             NILES

              Oh, he picked up the lowlife all right.

                             FRASIER

              Okay, enough.  It all started on 

              Friday.  As you probably know --

                             MARTIN/NILES/DAPHNE

              Ken.

    FRASIER FLINCHES AT THE BODY BLOW.

                             FRASIER

              Yes.  You see, I was helping --

                             MARTIN/NILES/DAPHNE

              Ken.

                             FRASIER

              ...the caller deal with his ex-wife, 

              which got me to thinking about whether 

              I myself would ever find another mate, 

              which lead to my problem with...

    FRASIER WAVES HIS HAND TO CUE THEM.  THEY ARE SILENT.

                             FRASIER

              Ken!

                             NILES

              He can say it!  Bravo, mon frére!

                             FRASIER

              So, this melancholia lasted well into 

              the depths of the weekend, whence I 

              ended up at Café Nervosa, savoring a 

              particularly piquant blend of Jamaican 

              Blue...

                             MARTIN

              I smell an opera reference...

                             FRASIER

              Her name was Anastasia.

    NILES SIGHS LIKE A SCHOOLGIRL.

                             FRASIER (CONT'D)

              Tall, well-mannered, in every 

              description a woman of taste.  Her 

              very essence a perfumed reminder of 

              the Champs D'Elysse...

                             NILES

              Before the McDonald's.

                             FRASIER

              Of course, of course.  And she asked 

              if she could sit with me.

                             DAPHNE

              Oh, this is so fascinating.  It's like 

              one of those romantic coffee commercials.

                             NILES

              Or the episode where Baretta makes the 

              stoolie squeal.

    NILES SCRATCHES.

                             FRASIER

              She told me she liked my voice...  we 

              actually talked about Lilith...

    OUTSIDE, LIGHTNING AND A PEAL OF THUNDER.

                             FRASIER (CONT'D)

              So, one thing lead to another, and... 

              well, you know the rest...

                             MARTIN

              I tell ya what I'd do --

                             FRASIER

              No, Dad, I'm sorry - this is my issue, 

              I'd rather just find my own solution.

                             NILES

              But Frasier, this one single loss is 

              affecting your whole life.  You must 

              simply accept the fact that both the 

              watch - and your marriage - are gone.

                             FRASIER

              I do!  Unconditionally!  (BEAT)  

              Unless I scour the entire city of 

              Seattle...

                             MARTIN

              What??

                             FRASIER

              Yes, that's it!  I have picked up a 

              bit of the old detective from you, 

              Dad.  I'll flush her out of the 

              woodwork and get my watch back!

    HE GRABS HIS COAT.  NILES IS STARING AT THE FLOOR.

                             NILES

              Frasier, do you remember the ant 

              Daphne discovered yesterday?

                             FRASIER

              Later, Niles.  Now, I'm off to find my 

              nemesis!!

    HE'S GONE.

                             NILES

              Oh look, he's invited along several 

              dozen of his little ant friends...

    NILES STEPS ONTO THE COUCH STANDING AS MARTIN LIFTS HIS 
    FEET UP INTO HIS CHAIR.

    OUTSIDE IT BEGINS TO POUR.

    AS WE:

                                               FADE OUT.



    			END OF ACT ONE
















                                 ACT TWO
                                    
                                    
                                    D
                                    
                                    
    
    
    

    A BLACK SCREEN.  IN WHITE LETTERS APPEARS "YOU CAN'T 
    HELP THE HELPLESS".
    
    FADE IN:

    INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

    FRASIER ENTERS, SOAKED AND BEATEN.  STAINS AND RIPS MARK 
    HIS CLOTHING; A BENT FEDORA APPEARS TO COVER... HAIR.  ASKEW.


    MARTIN, NILES AND EDDIE ARE IN THE ROOM.

                             MARTIN

              So, Sherlock, did you catch the bad 

              girl?  (NOTICING)  Jeez, she didn't 

              beat you up, did she?

                             FRASIER

              No, Dad, I'm afraid there was no 

              justice tonight.

                             NILES

              Unless you're rehearsing to play the 

              Elephant Man...

    FRASIER REMOVES THE HAT AND TOUPEE.

                             FRASIER

              I was south of Cherry Street.

                             MARTIN

              Cherry Street!  Cops don't even like 

              to go down there!

                             FRASIER

              Tonight, I have truly been to hell and 

              back.

                             NILES

              Pulled behind a donkey cart, evidently.  

              What happened?

                             FRASIER

              Well, in order to fool my offender, I 

              decided to disguise myself.  But after 

              a four-hour rain-soaked search of the 

              dank underbelly of Seattle, I finally 

              just gave up.  I was walking back to 

              my car and the tape on my toupee 

              wouldn't release.  As I was struggling 

              with my faux hair, I slipped on some 

              sort of discolored fruit rind - I'm 

              hoping - and landed on my elbow.  

              Despite searing pain, I managed my way 

              nearly to my car, where I was accosted 

              by a particularly aromatic miscreant.  

              So I gave him all the money I had, and 

              I thought he was going to let me go, 

              but when he said, "A rich guy like 

              you... must have an expensive watch", 

              I burst into tears and fell to my 

              knees in the mud!

                             MARTIN

              I'm sorry, son.

    FRASIER STARES AT THE TOUPEE.  DAPHNE ENTERS FROM HER 
    ROOM.

                             DAPHNE

              Ooh, bugs, bug, bugging buggers!!  

              They're in me bedroom now!

                             MARTIN

              That's it, I'm calling the 

              exterminator...

                             FRASIER

              I told you, Dad, no chemicals!

                             NILES

              As disgusted as I am, this time I 

              agree - I said the same thing when we 

              had a beetle infestation at the 

              mansion years ago.

    NILES SCRATCHES.

                             FRASIER

              What did you do?

                             NILES

              Disregarding my Maris' plaintive cries 

              of "Gas them! Gas them!", I paid the 

              gardener a dollar per bug to gently 

              carry the spindly irritant outside.

                             MARTIN

              You are still talking about the 

              beetle, right?

                             FRASIER

              A dollar a bug??  My God, Niles, 

              didn't that get rather expensive?

                             NILES

              Oh, yes.  It's no great secret who 

              actually paid for Yoshi's lawnmower-

              shaped swimming pool.  Just thinking 

              about them gives me a rash...

    HE SCRATCHES AGAIN.

                             FRASIER

              Nevertheless, I reiterate: forget 

              about the ants.  I see no evidence of 

              any infestation.

                             MARTIN

              Well, Eddie can't keep sucking 'em up 

              forever.

    EDDIE LICKS HIS LIPS REPEATEDLY.

                             DAPHNE

              You know, in the Moon household we 

              used a little dish soap in a water 

              bottle.  One spritz and it's Goodbye, 

              Mr. Creepy-Crawly.

                             FRASIER

              Everyone!  Pay attention to me!  There 

              is only one thing causing the problem 

              in this apartment right now!

    THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER.

                             MARTIN

              You are still talking about the watch, 

              right?

    FRASIER FALLS ONTO THE COUCH, WHINING.

                             FRASIER

              With utter clarity, I now understand 

              the purgatory that is Limbo.  If I 

              could just get my priceless watch 

              back, I'd reach some closure...

                             MARTIN

              "Closure", my butt.  Ya got your 

              dipstick checked and the mechanic 

              stole your gascap.  Move on!

    FRASIER MOANS.  NILES SITS ON THE ARM OF THE COUCH.

                             NILES

              Frasier, while the Cartier may be a 

              physical reminder of a cherished era, 

              even a talisman if you will, you must 

              resolve this emotionally.

    HE PULLS OUT A SMALL NOTEBOOK AND PEN.  SUDDENLY, IT 
    LOOKS LIKE A CLASSIC THERAPY SESSION.

                             NILES (CONT'D)

              Now, societal mores often stress --

    FRASIER BOLTS UPRIGHT.

                             FRASIER

              Don't you even dare, you... you... 

              therapist.

                             NILES

              Ouch.  Touché.

                             MARTIN

              Why don't you let your brother help, 

              Frasier?  You helped him when Maris 

              left, remember?

                             NILES

              Yes!  Dear God, I was a wreck.  And my 

              beloved sibling so effectively taught 

              me to let go...

    HE STARES AT DAPHNE, WHO IS BRUSHING HER HIPS.

                             NILES (CONT'D)

              ...of my....

    BRUSH, BRUSH.

                             FRASIER

              I suppose I could accept a little 

              advice...

                             NILES

              ...obsession...

                             DAPHNE

              Oh!  I think there's one going up 

              me skirt!

                             FRASIER

              Niles?

    NO RESPONSE.

                             DAPHNE

              Now I'll have to take off all me 

              clothes...

    SHE STARTS TO LEAVE, NILES FOLLOWING WITH A GRIN.

                             DAPHNE

              Oh!  The little bugger's on me neck!

                             FRASIER

              Niles!

    HE SPINS BACK.

                             NILES

              I'm innocent, man!!

                             FRASIER

              What do I do?

                             NILES

              Hmm... try using a strength to 

              overcome your weakness.  What do you 

              consider a particularly strong trait?

                             FRASIER

              Well, I remember feeling thrilled that I 

              was able to woo her successfully.  You 

              know, the old Crane black magic.

                             NILES

              Say no more, witch doctor.

    MARTIN ROLLS HIS EYES.

                             FRASIER

              But besides my charm, I suppose it all 

              came down to the fact that she liked 

              my voice...

                             NILES

              Understandably your soft spot - it is, 

              after all, how you make your living.

    THEY PONDER.

                             FRASIER

              Of course!  I'll use my voice to 

              educate the populace of Seattle about 

              the dangers of meeting someone new.  

              Trust.  Honor.  Larceny!

                             MARTIN

              I can't believe this.  Why don't I 

              just call my friend Jimmy - he was a 

              con, he might even know the woman.

                             FRASIER

              Dad, this is an intensely personal 

              violation - I don't want any help from 

              strangers.  Now, I must prepare to 

              broadcast to a hundred thousand people!

    HE HEADS OFF TO HIS BEDROOM.

    AND WE:

                                               FADE OUT.












                                    E
    
    
    
    
    

    A BLACK SCREEN.  IN WHITE LETTERS APPEARS "PSYCHIATRIST, 
    SHRINK THYSELF".
    
    FADE IN:

    INT. RADIO STUDIO - DAY

    FRASIER IS ON A ROLL...

                             FRASIER

              And in conclusion, always remember to 

              be honest.  Resist the temptation to 

              lie, rail against the cheaters, and 

              know that if ye steal, ye surely will 

              suffer eternal damnation in the River 

              Hades!!

                             CALLER #3 (V.O.)

              And how exactly will that get my dog 

              to eat?

    ROZ BREAKS IN.

                             ROZ

              Our next caller, Dr. Crane, feels 

              guilty...

    BY THE DRAWL, THE WOMAN IS EVIDENTLY FROM THE DEEP SOUTH.

                             CALLER #4 (V.O.)

              Dr. Cray-en?  I'm havin' a heckuva 

              time with my new boyfrien'...

                             FRASIER

              Go ahead, uh...  What was your name 

              again?

                             CALLER #4 (V.O.)

              Anna.  (BEAT)  Anna-stay-zhuh.

    FRASIER FREEZES.

                             ANASTASIA (V.O., CONT'D)

              See, I took this fancy watch that he 

              got from his other girlfrien'...

                             FRASIER

              It was my wife!!  (OFF ROZ'S LOOK)  

              His wife.  I'm guessing.

    ROZ LOOKS CONFUSED.

                             FRASIER (CONT'D)

              Don't tell me, you wanted a little 

              "trophy" from the relationship.

                             ANASTASIA (V.O.)

              Oh, don' call it that - some guy once 

              tried to give me his underwear!

                             FRASIER

              So, Anastasia, if that's even your 

              real name, the world would be a 

              happier place if you'd just return the 

              damn watch!  Capish??

    ANNA'S VOICE CHANGES TO THAT OF A SOCIETY WOMAN.

                             ANASTASIA (V.O.)

              Thank you, hon, but I caaan't do that.  

              Oh my, 'tis nearly tea time.  (EARTHY)  

              See ya later, sucker.

                             FRASIER

              Give it back!  Repent!!  I'll find you, 

              Anastasia!!!

    DIAL TONE.  A BEAT WHILE ROZ DIGESTS THIS.

                             ROZ

              Interesting advice, Doctor.  We'll be 

              back after this station identification.

    SHE FLICKS THE INTERCOM.

                             ROZ (CONT'D)

              With radio personality Stalker 

              Crane...

                             FRASIER

              Help me, Roz.  I've got to find her, 

              and get my life back.

                             ROZ

              Because of a watch from your ex-wife 

              of four years?  Please, Frasier, I've 

              tossed romantic gifts in less than 

              four minutes.

                             FRASIER

              Jewelry?

                             ROZ

              Well, I hock that.  I'm not stupid.

                             FRASIER

              But it was the last expression of love 

              she ever gave to me...  When we had 

              all the time in the world to --

                             ROZ

              And three, two, one. (ON AIR)  We're 

              back.  Dr. Crane, our last caller is 

              Dirk - he's having a problem with his 

              brother...

    A FAMILIAR VOICE COMES OVER THE SPEAKER.

                             NILES (V.O.)

              Now I've got my brother's ants in my 

              own apartment!  And they're looting 

              the Belgian cedar chest!

                             FRASIER

              Oh, lighten up, "Dirk".

                             NILES (V.O.)

              They've formed a gang and they want to 

              get The Man!  And I don't know who to 

              bribe to catch them!

    FRASIER LEAPS OUT OF THE CHAIR.

                             FRASIER

              Yes!!  Dirk, you've solved the problem.  

              Meet with your brother and trap them 

              together!

                             NILES (V.O.)

              I'm not sure if I can leave, they've 

              barricaded the door!  They're coming 

              for me, Frasier...  Dead man walking!!

    CLICK.

    AS WE:

                                               FADE OUT.















                                    F
    
    
    
    

    A BLACK SCREEN.  IN WHITE LETTERS APPEARS "SHAKEN, 
    NOT STIRRED."
    
    FADE IN:

    EXT. CAFé NERVOSA - NIGHT

    FRASIER AND A SKITTISH NILES APPROACH WEARING 
    TRENCHCOATS.

                             FRASIER

              I sincerely appreciate this, Niles.

                             NILES

              As long as I'm out of my apartment.  

              Just don't be shocked if my coat walks 

              away under the power of a thousand 

              tiny legs.

    HE SCRATCHES VIGOROUSLY.

                             FRASIER

              Honestly, they can't be that bad.

                             NILES

              Do you remember A Midsummer's Night's 

              Dream in ninth grade, when I got 

              nauseous all over Puck's slippers?  

              Now, imagine everyone in that audience 

              with six legs and antennae.

                             FRASIER

              Focus!  Concentrate on our plan.

                             NILES

              Okay, but if anyone in this café has a 

              segmented thorax, I'll freak!  I tell 

              you, I'm hopped up like a cracker-head!

    FRASIER IGNORES HIM.

                             FRASIER

              Now, you're the shill, do you remember 

              what you're supposed to do?

                             NILES

              Sit at a table, be witty and urbane, 

              and when she approaches, charm her 

              into a date.  But I thought I was 

              supposed to act like you...

                             FRASIER

              Come on, let's go.


    INT. CAFé NERVOSA - NIGHT

    NILES SITS ALONE AT A TABLE, STILL A BIT OVEREAGER.  
    FRASIER GOES TO THE BACK AND HIDES BEHIND A NEWSPAPER, 
    PEERING OUT STEALTHILY.

    A FEW MOMENTS PASS, AND A NICELY-DRESSED OLDER WOMAN 
    WELL INTO HER 60'S APPROACHES NILES.

                             OLDER WOMAN

              Excuse me, young man, is this seat 

              taken?

    NILES LEAPS TO HIS FEET AND GRABS THE OLDER WOMAN'S ARM.

                             NILES

              Aha!  The lawbreaker returns!  Give up 

              the loot, Ma Barker!

    HE FRANTICALLY SEARCHES THE SENIOR CITIZEN'S WRISTS.  
    FRASIER RUNS UP AND TEARS HIM AWAY AS THE WAITRESS 
    RUSHES OVER.

                             WAITRESS

              What's going on here?

                             OLDER WOMAN

              This man accosted me!

                             NILES

              My brother and I have reason to 

              believe this woman is a thief.

                             OLDER WOMAN

              What??

                             FRASIER

              Niles, this woman must be seventy 

              years old!

    THE SENIOR WHACKS FRASIER WITH HER HANDBAG.

                             FRASIER (CONT'D)

              ...Fifty years old!

                             NILES

              You said "well-mannered".  And you 

              have been very lonely!

    FRASIER SPEAKS TO THE CUSTOMERS THAT HAVE GATHERED.

                             FRASIER

              I'm sorry, gentle people, there's been 

              a terrible mistake.  Please forgive my 

              brother and me.  Please, we meant no 

              harm.

    THE GROUP DISPERSES.  HE WHISPERS TO NILES.

                             FRASIER

              Now, let's just relax and see if we 

              can trap our unsuspecting prey!

    NILES SITS AND FRASIER RETURNS TO HIS HIDING PLACE.

    MOMENTS PASS...  NILES SCRATCHES.

    A YOUNG WOMAN WITH LONG, WILD HAIR ENTERS THE CAFÉ.  SHE 
    LOOKS AROUND, THEN APPROACHES OUR SPY.

                             YOUNGER WOMAN

              Hi.  Anyone sitting here?

    NILES EYES HER SUSPICIOUSLY.

                             NILES

              How old are you?

                             YOUNGER WOMAN

              Twenty-four...?

    FLASH!  NILES HAS HER WRISTS.

                             NILES

              Siren!  Snake-haired Gypsy!  Who's the 

              newest jailbird, eh, Sister??

                             YOUNGER WOMAN

              Let go of me, you psycho!

    FRASIER AND HALF THE PATRONS COME TO HER RESCUE.  NILES 
    SCRATCHES HIS HEAD.

                             WAITRESS

              Listen, I think you two have had 

              enough caffeine tonight.  Maybe you 

              should leave.

                             NILES

              Fine.  But I may just report this 

              establishment to my father!  Or the 

              Orkin Man!!

    HE SCRATCHES SO VIGOROUSLY HE LOOKS LIKE HE'S HAVING A 
    SEIZURE.

                             FRASIER

              Niles...

    THEY ARE ESCORTED OUT.


    EXT. CAFÉ NERVOSA - NIGHT

                             NILES

              Did I do wrong?

                             FRASIER

              Besides convincing every woman in 

              there from ever making the first move 

              again?

                             NILES

              I'm sorry you didn't get your watch 

              back.

                             FRASIER

              It's okay, Niles, I'm all right.  

              (BEAT)  Being with you here tonight, 

              somehow I just don't feel as foolish 

              as I used to...

    HE SQUEEZES HIS BROTHER'S SHOULDER...  AND PULLS HIS HAND 
    BACK, DISCOVERING AN ANT CRAWLING ACROSS HIS FINGERS.

                             FRASIER

              Oh!  Behold, the lowly ant.  A tiny, 

              intrepid explorer... always moving 

              forward... never stopping to analyze 

              the past... never too attached to any 

              heartfelt emotion...

    HE VIGOROUSLY GRINDS THE ANT INTO A PULP AND FLICKS 
    IT AWAY.

                             FRASIER (CONT'D)

              Time to kick some insect ass.

    AS WE:

                                               FADE OUT.












                                    G
    
    
    
    

    FADE IN:

    INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - DAY

    OVER THE END CREDITS WE SEE FRASIER AND NILES SCOWLING 
    FACE-TO-FACE.  PULL BACK TO REVEAL THEY HAVE SPRAY-
    BOTTLES AT THEIR HIPS LIKE GUNFIGHTERS.  THEY QUICK-DRAW 
    AND SPRAY AT ANTS ON THE FLOOR, THE WALL, ETC.

                                               FADE OUT.

    
    
    
    			END OF SHOW









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