Seinfeld

"The Intolerants"

by Kristian Idol










The following screenplay is Registered WGA #577040 and Copyright 1994 by Kristian Idol.
Use of any material, in whole or in part, is expressly forbidden without prior written consent.







                                ACT ONE
       
                                SCENE A
       



       INT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY

       JERRY AND ELAINE DRINK MALTS.  JERRY SNIFFS THE AIR.

                                  JERRY

                      Do you smell good?

                                  ELAINE

                      I met someone.

                                  JERRY

                      The perfumed never lie.  Doctor, 

                      lawyer or Indian Chief?

                                  ELAINE

                      Actually, all three.  He's half Lakota 

                      Indian and he has a Masters in 

                      malpractice law.

                                  JERRY

                      Surely you jest.

                                  ELAINE

                      I jest not.  Peterman was looking at 

                      these tribal medicine curios, and this 

                      hunk walks in and says (DEEP)  "Hello, 

                      Elaine" in this gorgeous voice, and I 

                      just went... "Hoo-yaaa!!"

                                  JERRY

                      You could get a job in construction.

                                  ELAINE

                      I had to tell Peterman it was a 

                      "female thing".  And then Yul took me 

                      in his arms and --

                                  JERRY

                      Yul??

                                  ELAINE

                      That's his name, don't wear it out.

                                  JERRY

                      "Yule" as in the festive December 

                      holiday?  Or, as in "you'll" never 

                      have a tan as dark as mine because I 

                      was born with it?

                                  ELAINE

                      Yul, Y-U-L.

                                  JERRY

                      So, Mr. Tall-Dark-and-Accented just 

                      walks in and sweeps you off your feet?

                                  ELAINE

                      Right onto the leopard-print couch.

                                  JERRY

                      Hello, Judith Krantz!

                                  ELAINE

                      We're having a barbecue Saturday - 

                      you guys are all invited.

                                  JERRY

                      Already the barbecue date.  Are you 

                      fondling his tongs yet?

       ELAINE FURROWS HER BROW.

                                  JERRY (CONT'D)

                      Yeah, okay, the metaphor doesn't work.

                                  ELAINE

                      Nah, you were right.  Three times this 

                      week.  (BEAT)  Oh, and he's bald.

                                  JERRY

                      He's bald and his name is Yul.

                                  ELAINE

                      Yep.

                                  JERRY

                      Yul.  Bald.

       ELAINE IGNORES HIM.

                                  JERRY

                      (WITH ACCENT)  "How do you like Siam?"

                                  ELAINE

                      Yeah, yeah, I know.  Everybody thinks 

                      he looks just like Yul Brynner.  "He 

                      looks just like him!"  I don't see it.

                                  JERRY

                      Well, don't tell George about the bald 

                      part, he's already feeling a little 

                      out of sorts lately.  He thinks it's a 

                      food thing.

                                  ELAINE

                      Will he want to come?

                                  JERRY

                      Oh, sure.  He's enjoying the testing 

                      phase of his hypothesis - gained 

                      twelve pounds already.

                                  ELAINE

                      Okay.  You can bring Melanie, too, if 

                      you want.

                                  JERRY

                      Even the peripheral friends are 

                      invited,  this is serious.

       ELAINE LUSTILY SLURPS UP THE LAST ICE CREAM DROPS.

                                  ELAINE

                      Ahhhh!

                                                           CUT TO:













                                ACT ONE
       
                                SCENE B



       INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - NEXT DAY

       JERRY WATCHES GEORGE NIBBLE A SPOONFUL OF ICE CREAM 
       LIKE A CAUTIOUS ANIMAL.

                                  JERRY

                      Well?

                                  GEORGE

                      I'm not sure.

                                  JERRY

                      No reaction?

                                  GEORGE

                      It's not like it happens in ten 

                      seconds!

       KRAMER SHOOTS IN.

                                  KRAMER

                      Have you got a tweezers, Jerry?

                                  JERRY

                      What do you need --  Strike that...

                                  KRAMER

                      Tweezers!  I need some tweezers, 

                      Jerry!!

       JERRY SHRUGS.

                                  KRAMER (CONT'D)

                      Damn!!  They're never around when you 

                      need them.  So, what's up?

       GEORGE PUTS DOWN HIS BOWL, GRIMACING. 

                                  GEORGE

                      Ohhh, yeah.

                                  JERRY

                      Is that it?  Ice cream?

                                  GEORGE

                      Thirty-nine years I enjoy my milk 

                      products, and now I can only pray for 

                      proper digestion.  I'm an old man, 

                      Jerry.  An old and bloated man.

                                  JERRY

                      Lactose Intolerance, the milk-lover's 

                      Wile E. Coyote!

                                  GEORGE

                      Beep beep.

                                  KRAMER

                      I sorta like that full feeling.  You 

                      know, they oughta make foods with a 

                      whole lotta lactose.  Pepperoni-and-

                      lactose pizza, lactose sprinkles, 

                      stuff like that.

                                  GEORGE

                      Are you insane?!

                                  JERRY

                      Jury's still out on that one.  

                      Speaking of food, you guys are invited 

                      to a barbecue thrown by Elaine and her 

                      new boyfriend.

                                  GEORGE

                      As long as he's not a dairy farmer.  

                      One look at those cows and I'm 

                      musical.

                                  KRAMER

                      Hey, there's a group for you people, you 

                      know.  It's called, uh... Lactose 

                      Intolerants Anonymous.  Yeah, that's it.

                                  GEORGE

                      Really?

                                  KRAMER

                      The L.I.A.  A whole bunch of 'em, they 

                      meet every week in that little church 

                      on Fifty-Second.

                                  JERRY

                      Sixty cramping people in one tiny 

                      room, now there's a situation.

                                                           CUT TO:













                                ACT ONE
       
                                SCENE C



       INT. MARKET - NIGHT

       JERRY DRAGS BEHIND ELAINE LIKE A TIRED FIVE-YEAR-OLD.

                                  JERRY

                      Laineeee!

                                  ELAINE

                      You have to help me, Jerry - Yul wants 

                      me to bring the barbecue sauce.

       SHE PICKS UP A COUPLE OF JARS AND COMPARES THEM.

                                  ELAINE (CONT'D)

                      I can't figure out the difference.  

                      There's too many choices!  What if he 

                      doesn't like what I pick?  What if 

                      barbecue sauce is like this big issue 

                      with him?

       JERRY GRABS A JAR.

                                  JERRY

                      The fate of your life, Elaine, hangs 

                      on "Barbecue Buford".

                                  ELAINE

                      I don't know.  Maybe I should make it 

                      from scratch.  Do you have a good 

                      sauce recipe?

                                  JERRY

                      Oh, yes, we Jews are known for our 

                      zesty barbecue fixin's.

       THEY PUT THE SAUCES BACK.

                                  ELAINE

                      I can't decide - let's take a look at 

                      the fruit.  Hey, are you going to 

                      bring Melanie?

                                  JERRY

                      I'm not sure.

                                  ELAINE

                      Really?  Why not?

                                  JERRY

                      Nothing.

                                  ELAINE

                      Is there a problem?

                                  JERRY

                      Nope.

       ELAINE STARES HIM DOWN.

                                  JERRY (CONT'D)

                      It's... her dog.

                                  ELAINE

                      But you like dogs.

                                  JERRY

                      Oh, I do.  I am a dog fancier.  I can 

                      think of no more useful member of the 

                      animal kingdom than the common 

                      domesticated canine!  Long live the dog!

                                  ELAINE

                      But?

                                  JERRY

                      It's a yipper.

                                  ELAINE

                      Ah.

       THEY REACH THE PRODUCE SECTION.

                                  JERRY

                      She has this tiny Miniature Dachshund 

                      with this annoying bark - Bip!  Bip!  

                      Bip!  It sounds like one of those 

                      little toy plastic hammers.  Bip!  Bip!

                                  ELAINE & JERRY

                      (JOINING)  Bip!  Bip!  Bip!  Bip!

       AN ELDERLY MAN LOOKS ASKANCE AT THEM.

                                  ELAINE

                      Take a picture!  (TO JERRY)  So, is 

                      she coming or not?

                                  JERRY

                      She'll wanna bring the little rat...

                                  ELAINE

                      Well, bring them both and see how they 

                      relate to the peripherals.

                                  JERRY

                      That sounds like a band.  "The 

                      Peripherals, on the edge of the music 

                      industry, they were just not quite 

                      popular!"

                                  ELAINE

                      Not quite funny.

                                  JERRY

                      Ah, get your own career.

       ELAINE ABSENTMINDEDLY RUNS HER HAND OVER THE SMOOTH 
       SURFACE OF A HONEYDEW MELON.

                                  JERRY

                      Anything I can help you with, ma'am?

                                  ELAINE

                      Oh!  They, uh... remind me of Yul.

                                  JERRY

                      I thought you were having your bodice 

                      ripped three times a week.

                                  ELAINE

                      It's his head.  It's so smooth, it's 

                      actually kind of erotic!

                                  JERRY

                      I don't even wanna know what you think 

                      about kumquats.

                                  ELAINE

                      Definite Kramer territory here.

                                  JERRY

                      Yeah... or is it more George-esque?

                                  ELAINE

                      Where is he tonight, anyway?

                                                           CUT TO:













                                ACT ONE
       
                                SCENE D



       INT. CHURCH MEETING ROOM - SAME TIME

       GEORGE STANDS ANXIOUSLY BEHIND A PODIUM AND 
       MICROPHONE.

                                  GEORGE

                      Hello, my name is George... and I have 

                      a problem with dairy products.

                                  INTOLERANTS (O.S.)

                      Hello, George.

       FROM THE BACK OF THE ROOM COMES A SMALL BURP.

                                                           CUT TO:















                                ACT ONE
       
                                SCENE E



       INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

       GEORGE EXCITEDLY EXPLAINS HIS JOY.

                                  GEORGE

                      And then we all recited the Five Steps 

                      to Grateful Digestion together, and I 

                      felt like... like I was home again, 

                      Jerry!

                                  JERRY

                      Home.

                                  GEORGE

                      I've found a new set of friends that I 

                      can trust with my most intimate 

                      secrets.

                                  JERRY

                      Secrets.

                                  GEORGE

                      I mean, I'm not dumping you guys or 

                      anything.  These friends just have a 

                      special place, you know?

                                  JERRY

                      As they should.

                                  GEORGE

                      A higher power controls my bowel, 

                      Jerry.

                                  JERRY

                      Is everyone channelling Kramer now?

                                  GEORGE

                      Well, enough about my rapture.  I'll 

                      see ya later, Easy-Digester.

       GEORGE BOUNCES OUT.

                                                           CUT TO:













                                ACT ONE
       
                                SCENE F



       INT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY

       JERRY AND ELAINE EAT.  KRAMER ENTERS.

                                  KRAMER

                      Jerry!  Have you got a Q-tip?

       JERRY SHAKES HIS HEAD.

                                  KRAMER

                      Super-glue?  (NO RESPONSE)  Tin 

                      snips??  (NEGATIVE)  Damn!!

       HE SITS AND LOOKS STEALTHILY AROUND BEFORE SHARING 
       A SECRET.

                                  KRAMER

                      (SOTTO)  Hey, ask me how I'm gonna 

                      make a million dollars.  Go ahead, 

                      ask me.

       JERRY AND ELAINE ROLL THEIR EYES.

                                  KRAMER

                      Ask me!!

       THEY STARE AT HIM.

                                  KRAMER (CONT'D)

                      Okay, I got this friend, Dwayne, he 

                      started a comic book, right?  

                      Superheroes and stuff.  POW!  Ka-BANG! 

                      And he makes a mint off this stuff, 

                      Jerry, a mint!

       JERRY LOOKS TO ELAINE, WHO'S NODDING.

                                  ELAINE

                      You get royalties every time the 

                      character appears anywhere in the 

                      world.  It can be very lucrative.

                                  KRAMER

                      Lu-crative.  So, anyway, I was 

                      thinking about George and his problem 

                      and then it hit me.  (SLAPS FOREHEAD)  

                      Zowie!!  "Puffy the Pig"!

       SILENCE.

                                  JERRY

                      Say that again?

                                  KRAMER

                      Puffy the Pig.  He's a pig.  And he's 

                      puffy.  And he battles crime.

                                  ELAINE

                      Your million-dollar superhero is 

                      "Puffy the Pig"?

                                  KRAMER

                      Absitively.

                                  JERRY

                      Well, it's no Superman.

                                  ELAINE

                      How is that any different than Porky 

                      Pig?

                                  KRAMER

                      Well, he's not fat, he's just...  

                      (MAKES FACES)  puffy.

                                  JERRY

                      Maybe it's a thyroid thing.

                                  KRAMER

                      Yeah!  But that's not all.

       JERRY PLAYS INFOMERCIAL HOST.

                                  JERRY

                      There's more?

                                  KRAMER

                      I've got a catch phrase that'll sweep 

                      the nation.

                                  ELAINE

                      More royalties...

       KRAMER HOLDS UP HIS HAND AND BOBS LIKE A REAR-WINDOW DOLL.

                                  KRAMER

                      S-s-s-see ya!

                                  ELAINE

                      That's it?

                                  JERRY

                      Th-th-that's all, folks.

       GEORGE ENTERS.

                                  GEORGE

                      Hey.

                                  KRAMER

                      S-s-s-see ya!!

                                  GEORGE

                      I just got here.

                                  ELAINE

                      Take my spot - I've heard it all 

                      today.  Bye, guys.

       ELAINE EXITS.

                                  KRAMER

                      S-s-s-see ya!

                                  JERRY

                      (TO GEORGE)  Kramer was just 

                      hallucinating that two words will make 

                      him a millionaire.

                                  GEORGE

                      "Not guilty"?

       KRAMER TAKES OUT A VERY LARGE CIGAR.

                                  KRAMER

                      Cashish.  Dough-re-me.  Moo-la-la.

                                  JERRY

                      Now, if he can just get enough people 

                      to imitate a bloated pig...

       GEORGE HOLDS UP HIS HAND AND GESTURES.

                                  GEORGE

                      Sa-see-ya!  S-s-s-see ya!

       KRAMER LEANS BACK, AND CHOMPS ON THE GIANT SMOKE.

                                  KRAMER

                      Bahama mamas, here I come!

                                                           CUT TO:













                                ACT ONE
       
                                SCENE G



       INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

       GEORGE POPS PEANUTS INTO HIS MOUTH.

                                  GEORGE

                      This is great!  All along I thought it 

                      was nuts, but it's not!  Do you think 

                      Elaine will have nuts at the barbecue?

                                  JERRY

                      Oh, I'm sure there'll be one or two...

                                  GEORGE

                      So, you're bringing Melanie then?

                                  JERRY

                      Depends.

                                  GEORGE

                      On what?

                                  JERRY

                      On whether Peter will mind.

                                  GEORGE

                      Who's Peter?

                                  JERRY

                      The dog.

                                  GEORGE

                      The dog?  You're being thrown over by 

                      a wiener-dog?

                                  JERRY

                      You don't know the half of it.  "Peter 

                      doesn't want us to go out."  "Peter 

                      says to eat now."  "Peter thinks we 

                      should keep our clothes on."  It's 

                      like he's some sort of doggy Pope, 

                      using his canine catechism to decide 

                      our spiritual union!

                                  GEORGE

                      What kind of goofball names their dog 

                      Peter?

                                  JERRY

                      I think she named him after somebody.

                                  GEORGE

                      Like Peter the Great or something?  

                      (SNORTS)  Maybe this dog conquered 

                      Europe.  Hey, maybe he sings folk 

                      songs with Paul and Mary!

       JERRY PLACES HIS HAND ON GEORGE'S SHOULDER.

                                  JERRY

                      I know that it's exciting to attempt 

                      humor...  But the trapeze artist 

                      doesn't allow his friends up into the 

                      air, now does he?

                                  GEORGE

                      No.

                                  JERRY

                      Okay then.  Anyway, she'll be bringing 

                      the dog to this barbecue deal.

       GEORGE'S DEMEANOR DARKENS.

                                  GEORGE

                      I don't get along very well with dogs.

                                  JERRY

                      This is not surprising.

                                  GEORGE

                      My parents got a dog when I was eight.  

                      (DEADLY SERIOUS)  Fluffy.  I swore I'd 

                      make them rue the day when Fluffy came 

                      to town!!

                                  JERRY

                      Not a nice dog, Fluffy?

                                  GEORGE

                      She'd pee on me when they weren't 

                      looking.  To this day my father thinks 

                      I was lying!  "Where else would it 

                      have come from?", I asked him, "Where 

                      else?!"

       JERRY CONSIDERS THIS WHEN KRAMER SKITTERS IN - 
       WEARING A FLORID SHIRT THAT'S OUT OF CONTROL EVEN 
       FOR KRAMER.

                                  JERRY

                      You like dogs, Kramer?

                                  KRAMER

                      I love dogs - they're my kind of 

                      people.  Except those little yappy 

                      ones...  Bap! Bap! Bap! Bap!

       JERRY'S INTERCOM BUZZES - HE PRESSES.

                                  JERRY

                      Yeah?

                                  ELAINE (O.S.)

                      It's me.

                                  JERRY

                      (WITH ACCENT)  "Come on up to Siam."

                                  ELAINE (O.S.)

                      Ha, ha.

       JERRY PUNCHES THE OTHER BUTTON.

                                  JERRY

                      So, Kramer, ever known a dog named... 

       HE SPINS TO FACE GEORGE LIKE A GLOATING PROSECUTOR.

                                  JERRY (CONT'D)

                      Fluffy??

       GEORGE GLOWERS.

                                  KRAMER

                      Nope.  Sounds like a fine name for a 

                      pet, though.  "Fluffy."  Fluffy!  Fluu-

                      feeeee.  (WHISTLES)  Here, Fluffy!  

                      HEY FLUFFY!!!

                                  GEORGE

                      All right, all right, that's enough!!

                                  KRAMER

                      Whoa, Georgie, a little testy.  

                      Calcium deficiency, I'd bet.

                                  GEORGE

                      Next subject, please.

                                  KRAMER

                      Tomorrow, two p.m., I meet with the 

                      Editor-in-Chief of Marvel Comics.

                                  JERRY

                      (WITH AWE)  Superhero Central.

                                  KRAMER

                      I'm telling ya, this catches on, the 

                      babes will be all over me like 

                      Spiderman's webs!

                                  JERRY

                      Now that's an appealing image...

       ELAINE STRUGGLES IN CARRYING A HUGE FRUIT SALAD.  
       REALLY HUGE, LIKE IN A PUNCH BOWL.

                                  JERRY

                      You brought a fruit salad all the way 

                      from downtown?

                                  ELAINE

                      I had to, Jerry, I've got no more room 

                      in my refrigerator!  You should have 

                      seen me tearing down the street - 

                      "Outta my way, I got warm fruit here!"

                                  KRAMER

                      Yeah, I heard you like the fruit.

                                  ELAINE

                      What?

                                  KRAMER

                      Smooth and slippery like Yul's head.

                                  JERRY

                      Kramer!

                                  ELAINE

                      Jerry!

                                  GEORGE

                      Your boyfriend's not bald, is he?

                                  ELAINE

                      Mmmmmaybe.

                                  GEORGE

                      You said you'd never date a bald guy.

                                  JERRY

                      She has seen the light.

                                  KRAMER

                      Yeah, it's shining off his head!

                                  GEORGE

                      I thought you didn't like guys who 

                      are losing their hair.

                                  ELAINE

                      Well... thinning is different.

                                  GEORGE

                      How is it different?

                                  JERRY

                      I think what Elaine's trying to say is 

                      that the man with thinning hair is not 

                      completely bald.

                                  ELAINE

                      And therefore... just not as sexy.

                                  JERRY

                      It's like the Mets.  Technically, they 

                      are a baseball team, but somehow 

                      they're just not all the way there.

                                  KRAMER

                      Yeah, bald guys are sexy all right.  

                      They got all that testosterone 

                      shooting through their system...

                                  JERRY

                      You know, Elaine's boyfriend could be 

                      a cartoon character.  "Chrome-Dome!  

                      Using his blinding reflection to stun 

                      the hirsute!"

       JERRY POINTS HIS FOREHEAD LIKE A WEAPON.  GEORGE 
       AND ELAINE FROWN.

                                  KRAMER

                      "The Bald Eagle."

       JERRY PUTS HIS HANDS ON HIS HIPS, IMAGINARY CAPE 
       FLYING.

                                  JERRY

                      Reflecto!

                                  KRAMER

                      Sphero-Skull.

                                  JERRY

                      Rogainer!

                                  KRAMER

                      Cueball.

       THEY'RE BOTH PROUD OF THEMSELVES.  GEORGE HUFFS TO 
       THE DOOR.

                                  GEORGE

                      I don't think I appreciate this 

                      discussion.  I'm going to be with my 

                      real friends, people who won't tease a 

                      man about his... condition. (ANGRILY)  

                      S-s-s-see ya!

       HE EXITS.

                                  KRAMER

                      "Intolerant Man."

                                  ELAINE

                      You know, he's right, that was really 

                      mean.  If I didn't want Yul to meet my 

                      best friends so badly, I'd dump you all!

       ELAINE EXITS.

                                  JERRY

                      Did that last sentence make sense to 

                      you?

                                  KRAMER

                      Wasn't listening.  Looks like it's 

                      just you and me, Jer.

                                  JERRY

                      Friends forever.

                                  KRAMER

                      Yessiree-bob.

                                  JERRY

                      Nothing could tear us apart.

                                  KRAMER

                      Nossiree-Fred.

                                  JERRY

                      That's one damn ugly shirt, though.

       KRAMER SPASMS.

                                                          FADE OUT

       

       				END OF ACT ONE















                                ACT TWO
                                
                                SCENE H



       INT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY

       JERRY APOLOGIZES TO ELAINE OVER SANDWICHES.

                                  JERRY

                      I just got carried away!

                                  ELAINE

                      Uh-huh.

                                  JERRY

                      It's the comic genius.  Sometimes it's 

                      on auto-pilot!

       ELAINE SIMULATES A PLANE WITH HER HAND AND CRASHES 
       IT INTO THE TABLE, COMPLETE WITH SOUND EFFECTS.

                                  JERRY

                      Well, I want to invite Melanie to your 

                      barbecue.  I've decided that she's 

                      important enough that I should work 

                      through the minor problems.

                                  ELAINE

                      You bought a muzzle for the dog.

                                  JERRY

                      Yes I did.

                                  ELAINE

                      Of course, now I'm not sure I want 

                      to go...

                                  JERRY

                      What?

                                  ELAINE

                      It's a long story.

                                  JERRY

                      I have deep ears.

                                  ELAINE

                      Okay.  (BEAT)  Yul and I are in bed, 

                      and he's kissing my ankles... which is 

                      kind of interesting, right?  And then 

                      he kisses my calves, that's nice, and 

                      then the inside of my knees, which is 

                      real nice.  And then he moves up--

                                  JERRY

                      Stop.

                                  ELAINE

                      What?

                                  JERRY

                      You're entering the Demilitarized 

                      Zone.  We agreed on this before, 

                      remember?

       ELAINE LOOKS CONFUSED.

                                  JERRY (CONT'D)

                      Remember, we agreed that talking about 

                      sex was okay, but specific events with 

                      current lovers was the DMZ.

                                  ELAINE

                      And I'm crossing the DMZ?

                                  JERRY

                      With guns and tanks a-blazin', baby.

                                  ELAINE

                      Huh.  (BEAT)  Okay, so anyway...  Now 

                      he's kissing my thigh, which is 

                      reeeeally nice, and I can feel his 

                      breath, and I look down, and his head 

                      is... shining, you know, in the 

                      moonlight, and all I can think of is...

       SHE PAUSES.  JERRY SHRUGS IN IGNORANCE.

                                  ELAINE

                      "Cueball".

                                  JERRY

                      That's... too bad.

                                  ELAINE

                      Cueball.  Cueball!  Can you believe 

                      it?!

                                  JERRY

                      What did you do?

                                  ELAINE

                      Well, I thought about shopping for a 

                      while, and I'd put it out of my mind, 

                      but he's nibbling my thigh and oh... 

                      approaching... you know...

       SHE PAUSES AGAIN.

                                  JERRY

                      The amusement park.

                                  ELAINE

                      Right, so when he gets...

                                  JERRY

                      On the Ferris wheel...

                                  ELAINE

                      Yes, when he gets there, he needs... 

                      guidance.

                                  JERRY

                      As lesser men do...

                                  ELAINE

                      Uh-huh... but he has no hair for me to 

                      grab onto, for...

                                  JERRY

                      Guidance.

                                  ELAINE

                      Exactly, because it's all so smooth, 

                      right?  So I held on to...

       JERRY SHRUGS AGAIN.

                                  ELAINE

                      His ears.

                                  JERRY

                      Hangin' on to his ears.

                                  ELAINE

                      So here I was having this wonderful, 

                      playful time in bed with this sexy 

                      man, when I realize that I'm hanging 

                      onto a cueball with ears, and... and 

                      the amusement park just closed.

                                  JERRY

                      Gooood night!

                                  ELAINE

                      S-s-s-see ya!

       SHE TAKES A FEW BITES.  JERRY PUSHES AWAY HIS 
       LEFTOVERS.

                                  JERRY

                      We can't talk sex around food anymore.  

                      I don't eat dinner in bed, I don't 

                      make love in the kitchen...

                                  ELAINE

                      There's your mistake right there, my 

                      friend.

                                  JERRY

                      Don't touch my dessert, okay?

                                                           CUT TO:













                                ACT TWO
       
                                SCENE J



       INT. COSTANZA'S KITCHEN - NIGHT

       GEORGE FINISHES DINNER WITH HIS PARENTS.

                                  GEORGE

                      Okay, remember, tomorrow night I'll be 

                      at Elaine's barbecue instead of here.

                                  ESTELLE

                      You should eat with us.

                                  GEORGE

                      I just ate with you, Ma.

                                  ESTELLE

                      Are we that difficult to get along 

                      with?  We're not lepers, you know.

                                  FRANK

                      Leave the boy alone, will you?

                                  ESTELLE

                      I just think that as long as a son's 

                      parents are alive, he should eat with 

                      them, that's all.  Is that too much to 

                      ask?

       GEORGE RUBS HIS DIAPHRAGM.

                                  FRANK

                      Now you've given him heartburn, will 

                      you leave him be already?

                                  GEORGE

                      No, I think it was the sauce, Pop.

                                  ESTELLE

                      What's the matter with my sauce?  I 

                      worked all day on that sauce, young 

                      man!

                                  FRANK

                      All day.  You spent 15 minutes on the 

                      damn sauce if you spent a second.  All 

                      day, she says!

                                  ESTELLE

                      Fifteen minutes!  How would you --

                                  GEORGE

                      Milk!  It's the milk in the sauce, I 

                      can't digest it!

                                  FRANK

                      Well, why didn't you say something?

       HE REACHES INTO HIS SWEATER POCKET AND HANDS GEORGE 
       A BOTTLE OF PILLS.

                                  FRANK (CONT'D)

                      Here, take these.  It runs in the 

                      family - Uncle Vito's Curse.

                                  ESTELLE

                      (CONFIDING)  He won't take the pills.

                                  GEORGE

                      These really work?  Hey, thanks, Pop.

                                  ESTELLE

                      You'll be fine.  Just take a few of 

                      those next time you have my sauce, 

                      which I spend all day on!

                                                           CUT TO:













                                ACT TWO
       
                                SCENE K



       INT. MARVEL COMICS - EXECUTIVE'S OFFICE - DAY

       A STUFFY EXEC SITS BEHIND A HUGE DESK.  THE LITTLE 
       SUPERHERO STATUES ON THE DESK CLASH WITH THE UTTERLY 
       HUMORLESS BUSINESSMAN.
       
       KRAMER WEARS A PLASTIC PIG NOSE AND A RED BATH TOWEL 
       AS A CAPE.

                                  EXECUTIVE

                      Say that again?

                                  KRAMER

                      Puffy the Pig.

                                  EXECUTIVE

                      Is that it?

                                  KRAMER

                      Uh... yeah, I guess.  No!  (INVENTING)  

                      He has a sidekick.  Um, uh... Happy 

                      Dog.  Puffy the Pig and Yappy Dog, 

                      sure!  Battling crime and protecting 

                      society!

                                  EXECUTIVE

                      And scaring the neighbor children.  

                      Thank you, Mr. Kramer, but Marvel 

                      Comics is not interested.  Good-bye.

       THE EXEC STANDS.

                                  KRAMER

                      Are you sure?

                                  EXECUTIVE

                      Good afternoon, Mr. Kramer.

                                  KRAMER

                      How about a smaller royalty agreement?

                                  EXECUTIVE

                      Good bye.

                                  KRAMER

                      Pork is the other white meat, you 

                      know!

       THE EXECUTIVE PUSHES A BUTTON ON HIS PHONE.

                                  EXECUTIVE

                      Security!

                                  KRAMER

                      Oh, Security, is it?  Well, it'll take 

                      a mighty impressive lumberjack to 

                      remove the creator of Puffy the Pig, I 

                      can tell you that!

       A VERY TALL BRUNETTE APPEARS - DRESSED IN A WONDER 
       WOMAN COSTUME.

                                  WONDER

                      Problems, Mr. Marvel?

       
       KRAMER IS IMMEDIATELY SOOTHED BY THE VISION OF THIS 
       AMAZON.

                                  KRAMER

                      Oooh.

                                                           CUT TO:













                                ACT TWO
                                
                                SCENE L



       EXT. YUL'S BACKYARD - NEXT DAY

       ELAINE STANDS BY A PICNIC TABLE OF FOOD AS JERRY AND 
       MELANIE APPROACH.  AND THERE'S THE TINY WIENER-DOG 
       IN MEL'S ARMS, WEARING A TINY RHINESTONE MUZZLE.

                                  JERRY

                      Hi Elaine, this is Melanie.    

                      Melanie, Elaine.

       THE DOG GROWLS.

                                  ELAINE

                      Nice to meet you.

       THE DOG GROWLS AGAIN.  JERRY GRITS HIS TEETH.

                                  MELANIE

                      I've heard a lot about you.

       YIP!

                                  ELAINE

                      All good, I hope, ha-ha!  Are you 

                      having a good time?

       RRRRRRRRRR...

                                  MELANIE

                      Oh sure.  I understand the host looks 

                      just like Yul Brynner!

       YIP! YIP! YIP!

                                  JERRY

                      (TO DOG)  Shut up!!

       MELANIE AND ELAINE STARE AT JERRY.

                                  JERRY (CONT'D)

                      Perhaps the dog would like to mingle.

       JERRY PULLS MELANIE OFF.  GEORGE APPROACHES.

                                  GEORGE

                      So, where is this Yul guy?

                                  ELAINE

                      Speak of ze devil.

       AND HERE COMES YUL - WHO LOOKS NOTHING LIKE YUL 
       BRYNNER WHATSOEVER.  HE AND GEORGE SHAKE HANDS.

                                  YUL

                      You must be George.

                                  GEORGE

                      I can't believe it.  The resemblance 

                      is uncanny!

       THEY CONTINUE SHAKING HANDS.

                                  GEORGE (CONT'D)

                      It's incredible.  Yul Brynner.  You 

                      look just like Yul Brynner!

       YUL LOOKS STERNLY AT ELAINE AS GEORGE GOES TO THE 
       TABLE OF FOOD.  JERRY AND MELANIE RETURN WITHOUT 
       THE DACHSHUND.

                                  ELAINE

                      Where's the dog?

                                  JERRY

                      Visiting the broom closet.

                                  ELAINE

                      Indeed.  So, Jerry, Melanie, this is 

                      my friend Yul.

       YUL TURNS TO THEM AND SOMETHING SHINES IN THEIR 
       FACES.  THEY SHIELD THEIR EYES.

                                  JERRY

                      Hi.

                                  YUL

                      Hello, Jerry, Melanie.

       JERRY AND HIS DATE SQUINT FROM THE LIGHT AS THEY 
       SHAKE.

                                  JERRY

                      Wow.  You really do look like him.

       YUL PULLS HIS HAND AWAY AND EXITS SCOWLING.

                                  ELAINE

                      Jerry!

                                  JERRY

                      I'm sorry, it's just... wow!

       MELANIE NODS AGREEMENT.  ELAINE STEWS.

                                  JERRY (CONT'D)

                      The sun was in my eyes!

       ANGRY, ELAINE SEES GEORGE DEVOURING SOME CHIPS 
       AND DIP.

                                  ELAINE

                      Suck it up, Costanza!

                                  GEORGE

                      Is this your dip?  This is incredible!

                                  ELAINE

                      Yes it is.  It's the cream.

                                  GEORGE

                      Cream?!  But I've been eating this 

                      stuff all day!

       GEORGE REACHES FOR HIS PILLS, BUT CAN'T FIND THEM 
       ANYWHERE ON HIS PERSON.

                                  GEORGE

                      Omigod.  Omigod.  I had them.  They 

                      were on the dresser, and then I put 

                      them --  (BEAT)  Oh my God in Heaven!!  

                      (GRABS ELAINE)  Do you have any 

                      lactase pills, Elaine??

                                  ELAINE

                      I don't need them!  (PUSHES HIM OFF)  

                      Ask Jerry.

                                  GEORGE

                      Jerry, I need some pills now!  You've 

                      got to help me find some pills!!

                                  JERRY

                      Gotta get that monkey off your back, 

                      my friend.  Just say no.

                                  GEORGE

                      Do you know where I can find some?

                                  JERRY

                      Dammit, George, I'm a comedian, not a 

                      pharmacist!

       GEORGE RUNS OFF.

                                  MELANIE

                      I take it that was George.

                                  JERRY

                      What gave it away?

                                                           CUT TO:













                                ACT TWO
                                
                                SCENE M



       EXT. DIFFERENT AREA OF BACKYARD - LATER

       KRAMER AND JERRY CONVERSE.  KRAMER IS WEARING THE 
       PIG NOSE AND TOWEL AGAIN.

                                  KRAMER

                      Have you met the Yul-meister yet?  

                      Looks just like Yul Brynner - he could 

                      be one of those celebrity doubles.

                                  JERRY

                      I know, but don't tell Elaine, she'll 

                      get all huffy.  Hey, did Marvel go for 

                      your idea?

                                  KRAMER

                      Yes and no...

                                  JERRY

                      What do you mean?

                                  KRAMER

                      Well, one executive said no... and one 

                      said yes.

       A FAMILIAR WOMAN STRIDES OVER AND LOOPS HER ARM IN 
       KRAMER'S.  IT'S MARVEL'S SECURITY, COMPLETE WITH 
       COSTUME.

                                  THERESA

                      How's my little superhero, hmmm?

                                  JERRY

                      Gadzooks!

       GEORGE APPROACHES.

                                  GEORGE

                      There she is.  The woman who mellowed 

                      me right out.

                                  JERRY

                      You stuck him in the broom closet?

                                  GEORGE

                      Joke all you want, Mr. Comedy, but 

                      this woman saved my life.

                                  JERRY

                      You mean...?

                                  THERESA

                      I'm a member of L.I.A., too.

                                  JERRY

                      Great Ceasar's ghost!

                                  GEORGE

                      Yes, I want to tell everyone within 

                      earshot that this woman is a bona-fide 

                      hero, all right.  She's like some kind 

                      of... some kind of wonder woman!

                                  KRAMER

                      Oh, yes she is.

                                                           CUT TO:













                                ACT TWO
                                
                                SCENE N



       INT. YUL'S KITCHEN - NIGHT

       JERRY & MELANIE (WITH DOG), KRAMER & THERESA AND 
       GEORGE BANTER LIGHTLY AS ELAINE WALKS UP.

                                  ELAINE

                      So, what do you all think of my guy?

       THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER NERVOUSLY.

                                  ELAINE (CONT'D)

                      What?

       ANOTHER UNCOMFORTABLE PAUSE.

                                  ELAINE (CONT'D)

                      What??

                                  JERRY

                      He shakes hands too long.

                                  GEORGE

                      Three and a half, maybe four seconds.  

                      Far too long.

                                  KRAMER

                      Toooo long.

       MELANIE'S DOG GROWLS.

                                  ELAINE

                      You guys!

                                  JERRY

                      And the reflection off his forehead...

                                  MELANIE

                      It was really bright, Elaine!

                                  GEORGE

                      Even I don't gleam that much.

                                  KRAMER

                      Toooo shiny.

       YIP!  YIP!

                                  ELAINE

                      (TO DOG)  Shut up!!  (TO JERRY)  At 

                      least I'm not letting my dog control 

                      the relationship.

       MELANIE IS TAKEN ABACK.  ELAINE FUMES.

                                  ELAINE (CONT'D)

                      His handshake?  His head?  And I don't 

                      care if he blinds the entire city of 

                      New York!  I can't believe how 

                      intolerant you people are.  We invite 

                      you over and serve you food and this 

                      is what we get??  Well, I'm staying 

                      with him, baby, all the way to San 

                      José!  In a thousand years Yul would 

                      never act so petty!

                                                           CUT TO:













                                ACT TWO
                                
                                SCENE P



       INT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY

       YUL AND ELAINE LOOK VERY SERIOUS.

                                  ELAINE

                      You're dumping me?!

                                  YUL

                      It's your friends - they're a bit 

                      strange.

                                  ELAINE

                      What do you mean, "strange"?

                                  YUL

                      Well...  Jerry seems okay, but he's 

                      always talking about these little 

                      inconsequential things.  And George, 

                      wolfing down all that food, like some 

                      sort of animal!  He was double-

                      dipping, you know.  And Kramer...

       HE VIBRATES IN HIS SEAT.

                                  ELAINE

                      What about me?  You like me, don't 

                      you?  I thought we were getting 

                      serious.

                                  YUL

                      Well...

                                  ELAINE

                      Spill it, Shine-ola.

                                  YUL

                      Okay.  Do you remember that night we 

                      made love in the moonlight --

                                  ELAINE

                      Of course I do.

                                  YUL

                      And I was kissing up your legs, and 

                      nibbling --

                                  ELAINE

                      Yes.

                                  YUL

                      Well... This may seem trivial... but I 

                      just couldn't stop thinking, "Hitler's 

                      mustache, Hitler's mustache!"


                                                        FADE OUT



       				END OF SHOW






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