Home Improvement

"Garage Sale Crap"

by Kristian Idol










The following screenplay is Registered WGA #549526 and Copyright 1994 by Kristian Idol.
Use of any material, in whole or in part, is expressly forbidden without prior written consent.





                              TEASER




     INT.  KITCHEN/FAMILY ROOM - FRIDAY EVENING

     JILL IS PREPARING DINNER.  BRAD SHUFFLES IN THE 
     FRONT DOOR WITH A HANG-DOG LOOK, RANDY FOLLOWS.

                                JILL

                    Boy, you guys are home late.  (RE: 

                    BRAD)  What's wrong, honey?

                                RANDY

                    Brad got a "D" on his vocabulary test.  

                    I guess he wasn't erudite enough.

                                BRAD

                    Man, I'll never get these big words.

                                JILL

                    A "D"?!  You're smarter than that...

     JILL TAKES A PIECE OF HOMEWORK AND READS.

                                JILL

                    "Feckless."  (BEAT)  "Without feck"?!

                                BRAD

                    You were the one who told me to guess 

                    if I didn't know it!

     TIM COMES IN FROM THE GARAGE, WIPING BLACK GREASE 
     OFF HIS HANDS WITH A RAG.

                                RANDY

                    Hey, Dad, do you know what the word 

                    "feckless" means?

                                TIM

                    Ah, "Not having feck", why?

                                JILL

                    Brilliant, Professor.  Randy got a "D" 

                    on his vocabulary test.

                                TIM

                    Whoa, Nellie!  Let me see that.  

                    (GRABS PAPER AND SKIMS)  What the heck 

                    is "air-you-ditty"?

                                JILL

                    "Erudite."

                                RANDY

                    It means "smart", Dad -- like Mom!

                                TIM

                    Ha, ha, little one.  I don't see any 

                    real words on here, like "carburetion", 

                    or "oversteer".

                                JILL

                    Those kind of words will only get you 

                    so far, Tim.

                                BRAD

                    My teacher says that vocabulary is 

                    really important if you wanna be a 

                    successful person. 

                                TIM

                    That's right!  A person like me, who 

                    knows what the word "manifold" means.  

                    And look what I've become.

     HE HANDS A GREASE-SMUDGED TEST BACK TO BRAD.  
     EVERYONE CONSIDERS FOR A MOMENT...

                                RANDY

                    You better study real hard, Brad.

                                BRAD

                    Man, if I flunk the re-test I'll have 

                    to take English again next semester.

                                JILL

                    Flunk?!  Oh, no, young man, no one's 

                    ever flunked in my family.  You're 

                    going to study all weekend.

                                BRAD

                    Aw, jeez.  Why did Miss McCarthy make 

                    the re-test on Monday?

                                TIM

                    Because the torture-chamber's busy?

                                BRAD

                    Can you help me study, Mom?

                                TIM

                    I can help ya, sport.

                                JILL

                    Oh gosh, Brad, tonight is my library 

                    group...

                                TIM

                    I'll help ya, Brad.

                                JILL

                    And I wanted to go to this garage sale 

                    tomorrow...

                                TIM

                    Brad?

                                RANDY

                    Maybe Wilson can help you.

                                TIM

                    Bradleee.

                                BRAD

                    Hey, maybe Al's not busy!

     TIM'S EYES BUG OUT AS HE CLUTCHES HIS CHEST, AND WE...

     CUT TO:





                              ACT ONE

                              Scene 1



     INT.  KITCHEN/FAMILY ROOM - SATURDAY MORNING

     TIM SITS AT THE DINNER TABLE FLIPPING THROUGH A 
     LARGE DICTIONARY.  JILL ENTERS THE KITCHEN, WEARING 
     HER BATHROBE.

                                JILL

                    Mornin', hon, whatcha doing?

                                TIM

                    I'm looking up these words on Brad's 

                    test.  Have you even heard of the 

                    word... "apotheosis", let alone what 

                    it means?  It means "An exalted or--

                         JILL                      TIM
     
     		   "--glorified ideal."    --glorified ideal."  Yeah -
     
                                  	    how did you know that?

                                JILL

                    Because, I am the apotheosis of the 

                    patient and understanding wife.

                                TIM

                    Hmm.  Yes, you are.  (FIGURING IT OUT)  

                    Heey...

                                JILL

                    Anyway, Tim, remember, I'm going  

                    garage-saleing today.  There's four 

                    sales on 13 Mile, so Karen and I are 

                    going to wander around.

                                TIM

                    Well, just don't wander us into 

                    bankruptcy, okay?

                                JILL

                    I thought I could pick up some 

                    knickknacks for the house.

     RANDY AND MARK ENTER AND SIT AT THE BREAKFAST BAR.

                                TIM

                    Knickknacks, huh?  Isn't that 

                    Midwestern for "crap"?

                                JILL

                    Tim, don't say that word.  I don't 

                    like it.

                                TIM

                    "Midwestern"?

                                RANDY

                    The subject is crap, Dad.

                                MARK

                    What's crap?

     JILL GLARES AT TIM.

                                JILL

                    You see, now they're already using it.  

                    Next thing you know, we'll all be 

                    sitting in front of the principal.

                                TIM

                    Don't say that word, guys.  It's not 

                    (LOOKING AT PAPER) "er-u-dite".

                                JILL

                    That's right, you listen to the 

                    apotheosis of fatherhood, boys.

                                RANDY & MARK

                    What??

                                TIM

                    I know that one, I know that one!

     TIM STANDS AND PUFFS UP HIS CHEST.

                                TIM

                    Look upon the exalted ideal of 

                    fatherdom, you tiny humans!

     THE EXALTED IDEAL IS STANDING IN PINK BOXERS AND 
     WHITE TUBE SOCKS.  RECONSIDERING, HE SITS.

                                JILL

                    Now, you guys behave yourselves 

                    today - it's very important to 

                    let your father help Brad with 

                    his vocabulary while I look for 

                    knickknacks.

                                RANDY

                    You mean, "crap".

                                JILL

                    Randall Taylor, stop saying that word 

                    right now!

                                RANDY

                    Yes, Mom.

     BRAD COMES DOWN THE STAIRS.

                                BRAD

                    'Morning.

                                TIM

                    Hey you guys, come here.

     THE BOYS CROSS TO TIM.

                                TIM

                    First lesson:  This is Mom's 

                    dictionary.  You can look up any word 

                    that you don't know the meaning of, 

                    and find it right in here!

                                RANDY

                    This is a new experience for you, 

                    isn't it, Dad?

     BRAD TURNS A FEW PAGES.  JILL APPROACHES AS HE 
     FINDS A WORD.

                                BRAD

                    (READING)  "Crap.  Vulgar slang, 

                    meaning--"

     TIM LAUGHS.  JILL SLAMS THE BOOK SHUT ON HIS 
     FINGER.

                                TIM

                    Yeow!  (POINTING)  He said it!

                                JILL

                    (TO BRAD)  Try looking up "Grounded 

                    for 2 weeks", young man.

                                TIM

                    Actually, honey, I think that's a 

                    phrase.

     ICY STARE FROM JILL.

                                BRAD

                    Sorry, Mom.

                                MARK

                    I like words, I think they're neat.

                                RANDY

                    You would.

                                JILL

                    Randy...  Vocabulary is very 

                    important.  Knowing the meaning of 

                    words and how to spell them will get 

                    you a good job someday.

                                TIM

                    Yeah, one where you can push people 

                    around, like I do.

     JILL BRIGHTENS WITH AN IDEA.

                                JILL

                    You know what...

     SHE CROSSES TO THE ENTERTAINMENT CENTER.

                                JILL (CONT'D)

                    Why don't we all stay in tonight and 

                    play Scrabble?

     THE OLDER BOYS ROLL THEIR EYES, BUT MARK SMILES.

                                MARK

                    Cool!

                                BRAD

                    On a Saturday night?!

                                TIM

                    Uh, Jill...

     JILL FORAGES AROUND IN THE CABINET AND PULLS OUT 
     HER GAME.

                                JILL

                    Here it is!

                                TIM

                    Jill?

     SHE OPENS IT UP.  TIM RUBS HIS FOREHEAD.

                                BRAD

                    But I was going to study vocabulary 

                    with Ashley tonight.

                                RANDY

                    Yeah, you're gonna study words like 

                    "kissy-face" and "smoochies".

     BRAD SHOVES HIS SMIRKING BROTHER.

                                JILL

                    Where are all the letters?  There's 

                    only... five tiles in here.

     BOY, DOES TIM LOOK GUILTY.

                                JILL

                    Guys?  Tim?

     THE KIDS SHRUG.

                                TIM

                    Umm... I guess I sort of used them for 

                    something else.

                                JILL

                    Used them?  For what?

                                TIM

                    Well... you remember the birdhouse I 

                    built you a coupla months back?

                                JILL

                    Yes...

                                TIM

                    And, you remember how you wanted the 

                    little birdies to be safe and snug in 

                    their comfy, little winter home... 

                                JILL

                    Yeeess...

     TIM WALKS TO THE WINDOW.

                                TIM

                    Well, it seems those tiles were the 

                    perfect size for a beautiful slate 

                    roof.

                                JILL

                    Tim!!

                                TIM

                    Oh, look, honey, there's Mr. Sparrow 

                    enjoying our Scrabble game right now!

                                JILL

                    Tim, I can't believe you used my 

                    Scrabble tiles!  From the game I've 

                    had since college!

                                TIM

                    I'm sorry honey, I'll get ya a new 

                    one, I promise.

                                MARK

                    Does this mean we're not playing 

                    tonight?

     BRAD AND RANDY SMACK A HIGH FIVE.

                                BRAD

                    All right!

                                RANDY

                    Dad does the right thing for once!

     THE OLDER BOYS HUSTLE OUTSIDE, MARK FOLLOWS.

                                TIM

                    I'll fix it, honey, I swear.

                                JILL

                    Sometimes, Tim, I just don't know.

     SHE EXITS UPSTAIRS.  TIM LOOKS OUT AT THE 
     BIRDHOUSE.

                                TIM

                    Bundle up, birdies, it's gonna be a 

                    cooold winter.

     AND WE...

     CUT TO:






                              ACT ONE

                              Scene 2



     INT.  KITCHEN/FAMILY ROOM - EARLY SATURDAY AFTERNOON

     JILL AND KAREN STRUGGLE IN CARRYING A LARGE BOX.  
     TIM IS STILL AT THE TABLE.

                                TIM

                    Gee, I hope you didn't blow our 

                    budget on a box you can't even carry 

                    yourself.

     JILL OPENS THE FLAPS AND PULLS OUT A VERY SMALL, 
     CARVED END TABLE.

                                JILL

                    Ta-daa!

                                KAREN

                    Can you believe it?

     JILL PROUDLY SETS IT NEXT TO THE COUCH.

                                TIM

                    Do I wanna believe it?  What is that?!

                                JILL

                    It's an end table I picked up at the 

                    sale.  Isn't it darling?  It was only 

                    twelve dollars.

                                TIM

                    Great, that's only about eleven-fifty 

                    too much.

                                JILL

                    Tim!  We need something for this end 

                    of the room.

                                TIM

                    This end of the room?  We've already 

                    got this end of the room at this end 

                    of the room!

                                KAREN

                    I thought it was a steal.

                                TIM

                    Somebody should have stolen it before 

                    you.

     HE LOOKS IT OVER.

                                TIM (CONT'D)

                    You know, if this thing was a person, 

                    it would be singing "The Lollipop 

                    Song" to Dorothy.

                                KAREN

                    Oh, Jill, it looks just great in your 

                    living room.

                                TIM

                    Man, I can think of a few choice 

                    vocabulary words to describe that.

                                JILL

                    Well, I think it's wonderful.

     SITTING DOWN, TIM SARCASTICALLY MOUTHS JILL'S WORDS.

                                KAREN

                    It's so delicate and dainty.

                                TIM

                    Hey!  Nothing I've ever had, done 

                    or... eaten could be described as 

                    dainty, okay?!

                                JILL

                    That's not what you said about a 

                    particular piece of lingerie I own.

     THE WOMEN LAUGH AT TIM'S EMBARRASSMENT.

                                TIM

                    That's different.  Underwear's not 

                    supposed to have strong miter joints!  

                    (BEAT)  Except maybe Madonna's.  Do we 

                    have to put it next to my couch?

                                JILL

                    Your couch?

                                TIM

                    Yeah, my couch, where I watch all my 

                    games, and drink my beer, which, by 

                    the way, I don't wanna put (MOTIONING 

                    TO END TABLE) on poor Mr. Munchkin's 

                    dainty little head!

                                JILL

                    Well, I watch my stories, and eat my 

                    Peanut M & M's on this couch, which, by 

                    the way, was bought with my Visa card!

                                TIM

                    Well, I don't like it.  What we need 

                    is some manly furniture, like maybe a 

                    forty-horsepower Barcalounger.

     HE MAKES A SHIFTING GESTURE AND VROOMING NOISES.

                                TIM (CONT'D)

                    Any other useful purchases I should 

                    know about?  A balsa-wood hammer for 

                    me, perhaps?

                                JILL

                    No, just this.

     SHE REACHES INTO THE BOX AND PULLS OUT A PORCELAIN 
     FIGURINE OF A BOY SITTING NEXT TO A COW.

                                TIM

                    Oh, Jeez, look at this one.  I can't 

                    believe you're spending our money on 

                    this stuff, Jill.  This is the same 

                    thing as last summer, when we had our 

                    sale, and then you walked across the 

                    street and bought all the Valmino's 

                    garbage.

                                JILL

                    It was not garbage, Tim, I bought some 

                    interesting things at the Valmino's 

                    sale.

                                TIM

                    A chess set with characters from 

                    "South Pacific"?

                                JILL

                    It's my favorite musical!

                                TIM

                    Yeah, but you couldn't even tell the 

                    King from the Queen because they both 

                    had bandanas around their heads.

                                JILL

                    The Queen was the one carrying the 

                    fruit!  Oh, never mind, Tim.  It's 

                    just a cute little thing to put on the 

                    table.

     SHE SETS IT ON THE END TABLE.  IT NEARLY COVERS THE 
     TOP OF THE MINUSCULE PIECE OF FURNITURE.

                                JILL

                    Besides,  (WINKS AT KAREN)  I look at 

                    it as helping the cash flow of the 

                    economy.

     TIM PICKS UP THE FIGURINE AND LOOKS AT THE BOTTOM.

                                TIM

                    Oh, I'm sure President Clinton will be 

                    very happy that you bought "Boy 

                    Milking Cow".

     HE PLACES IT BACK.

                                JILL

                    It looks good there.

                                TIM

                    Well, as long as all that extra weight 

                    doesn't crush the table.  (LOOKS AT 

                    WATCH)  Oh, hey, I have to get to the 

                    taping.

     HE GRABS HIS COAT OFF THE COUCH AND PUTS IT ON.

                                KAREN

                    Jill, let's try on the blouses we got 

                    for fifty cents!

                                JILL

                    Okay!

     JILL AND KAREN CROSS TO THE FOYER, CHATTING 
     ENTHUSIASTICALLY.

                                TIM

                    Fifty cents?  Whew, there's some fine 

                    material.  (YELLING AFTER THEM)  Must 

                    be silks from Persia!

     TIM WATCHES THEM DISAPPEAR UPSTAIRS.  HE LOOKS AT 
     THE LITTLE WIMPY TABLE, THEN TO THE STAIRS...
     
     HE SETS THE BOY/COW ASIDE, GRABS THE TABLE AND 
     SNEAKS TO THE DOOR.
     
     HE SLIPS OUT.

     AND WE...

     CUT TO:

     
     
     
     
     

                              ACT ONE

                              Scene 3



     INT.  "TOOL TIME" SET - LATE SATURDAY AFTERNOON

     THE CAMERAS DOLLY INTO POSITION.

                                TIM

                    Welcome to Tool Time.  I'm Tim "The 

                    Tool Man" Taylor and you may know my 

                    assistant, Al "I sure ain't dainty" 

                    Borland.

                                AL

                    Greetings.

                                TIM

                    Today on Tool Time, we'll be looking 

                    at wood--  (HOLDS UP A PIECE OF PINE)  

                    --burning.

     HE TOUCHES A WOODBURNING IRON TO THE BOARD AND 
     GRIMACES REPEATEDLY.

                                TIM

                    Ssssss!  Oo!  Ah!  Oh!

                                AL

                    Woodburning is an ancient art, 

                    probably first practiced by Cro-Magnon 

                    cavemen.

     TIM THEATRICALLY SUMMONS THE AUDIENCE.  THE ENTIRE 
     BLEACHERS BEGIN GRUNTING.

                                AL (CONT'D)

                    As an example of what can be done with 

                    woodburning, I made this lovely 

                    plaque.

     AL HOLDS UP A POLISHED RECTANGLE WITH "TOOL TIME" 
     ORNATELY ETCHED INTO IT.

                                TIM

                    And I did this lovely rendition of 

                    Al's Mom.

     TIM HOLDS UP A FINE PIECE OF WOODBURNING DEPICTING 
     ABE LINCOLN.  AL TENSES HIS JAW.

                                AL

                    But today we'll be starting you off 

                    slowly, by etching simple block 

                    letters, such as could be used in this 

                    popular word game...

     AL DISPLAYS A TILE HOLDER WITH TWO TILES ON IT, AN 
     "A" AND AN "L".  HE SMILES PROUDLY.

                                TIM

                    Whew!  Man's work, eh, Al?

     TIM ROLLS HIS EYES AT THE CAMERA.

                                AL

                    We'll be back after these messages.

     AND WE...

     CUT TO:







                              ACT ONE

                              Scene 4



     INT.  KITCHEN/FAMILY ROOM - SATURDAY NIGHT

     THE ENTIRE TAYLOR FAMILY AND AL SIT AROUND THE 
     DINING TABLE PLAYING SCRABBLE.  AL PLACES SOME 
     LETTER TILES.

                                AL

                    "Xenon".  That's one, double letter is 

                    three, four, five, plus eight is 

                    thirteen, and triple word is 39 

                    points.

                                MARK

                    Wow!  Thirty-nine points!

                                TIM

                    Xenon??  What is that, some kind of 

                    planet?

                                AL

                    Actually, Tim, it's an inert gas.  

                    Sort of like the hot air you've been 

                    blowing.

     HE ENJOYS HIS OWN JOKE.  TIM SCOWLS.

                                AL (CONT'D)

                    Your turn, boss.

     TIM SHUFFLES HIS TILES A BIT AND SEEKS REVENGE.

                                TIM

                    So, too bad you couldn't get a date 

                    tonight, Al.

                                RANDY

                    That was kinda crappy, Dad.

                                JILL

                    Randy...

                                AL

                    For your information, Tim, Ilene 

                    wanted to come tonight, but she was 

                    busy.

                                TIM

                    Busy with another date from the planet 

                    Xenon.

     TIM LAYS DOWN TWO LETTERS.

                                TIM (CONT'D)

                    Well, Al, speaking of planets, I'll 

                    just use your 'N' to make "sun".  S, 

                    U, N, giving Brad and me...

                                BRAD

                    Three points, Dad.

                                JILL

                    All right, Tim!

                                AL

                    You know, Tim, the sun isn't a planet, 

                    it's a star.

                                TIM

                    Yeah?  Like I'm the star of Tool Time, 

                    who may not have Planet Al revolving 

                    around him much longer!  Especially 

                    since we have to re-do the second half 

                    of today's segment.

                                AL

                    Well, Tim, I wasn't the one who tried 

                    to hook up a five-inch wood-burner to 

                    a house generator, was I?

                                TIM

                    It wasn't that big a fire...

     RANDY POKES AT HIS TILES.

                                RANDY

                    Hey, look, Mom, we have a "C", an "R", 

                    and an "A".  All we need is an "P" and 

                    we could spell--

     FLAMES SHOOT OUT OF JILL'S EYES.

                                RANDY

                    Carp!  We could spell "carp"!

     HE PURSES HIS LIPS INTO A FISH FACE.  THE OTHERS 
     FOLLOW SUIT, EVEN AL.  JILL SHAKES HER HEAD.


     SHE HOLDS UP A TILE WITH A FUNNY SQUIGGLE ON IT.

                                JILL

                    Tim, what letter is this?

                                AL

                    It looks like an Egyptian hieroglyph.  

                    (TO THE BOYS)  Do you know what that 

                    word means, guys?  It's an illegible 

                    or hard-to-read character.

                                RANDY

                    I think we figured that out, duh.

                                TIM

                    It's supposed to be a "W", Jill.

     JILL TWISTS THE TILE AROUND A FEW TIMES.  SHE STILL 
     DOESN'T SEE IT.

                                TIM

                    Okay, so I was getting the hang of 

                    woodburning, all right?

                                RANDY

                    You could always make an Egyptian 

                    Scrabble game, Dad.

                                TIM

                    That's it, I was making a Russian 

                    version.  Yes, we must play some 

                    Scrabbleski, Comrades!

     SUDDENLY, JILL GETS AN ANXIOUS LOOK ON HER FACE.

                                JILL

                    Tim, where's my end table??

                                TIM

                    Um... riding a pony at the Midget 

                    Furniture Ranch?

     SHE GETS UP AND SEARCHES AROUND THE COUCH.

                                JILL

                    What did you do with my table?!

                                RANDY

                    Dad put it up in the attic with your 

                    other garage sale crap.

                                JILL

                    He put it--?  Randy, stop saying that 

                    word!

                                TIM

                    Aw, honey, it's just a joke.  I'll 

                    bring it down.  We're feeding it 

                    steroids!

     THE BOYS LAUGH ALONG WITH TIM, BUT AL RESPECTFULLY 
     REFRAINS.  JILL WALKS TO THE KITCHEN.

                                JILL

                    Tim, can I see you in the kitchen, 

                    immediately?

                                TIM

                    Come on, Jill, take it easy and come 

                    back to the game.  I think I see where 

                    you can score... four points!

                                JILL

                    Tim, unless you enjoy the sensation of 

                    having Scrabble tiles shoved up your 

                    nose, you come over here this instant!

     THE WHOLE TABLE IS SILENT.  TIM GETS UP AND 
     MOPES OVER.

                                TIM

                    Aw, Jill, it just got in the way.

                                JILL

                    In the way?  My little table?  How 

                    about that darn hot rod - we couldn't 

                    park in the garage for a year!

                                TIM

                    That's different.

                                JILL

                    How is it different?

                                TIM

                    Uh... because it was mine?

                                JILL

                    Tim, I want you to return my table... 

                    and teach your sons not to use 

                    profanity, or...  (SOTTO)  Or you'll 

                    never get to see my "dainty" lingerie 

                    until 2010!

     SHE TURNS TO THE LIVING ROOM, WHERE THE GUYS AT THE 
     TABLE ARE ALL LEANING TOWARD HER, STRAINING TO HEAR 
     HER REBUKE.  THEY ALL REACT TO BEING CAUGHT.

                                JILL

                    Good night, gentlemen!

     SHE HUFFS UPSTAIRS.  TIM LOOKS AT HIS FEET.

                                TIM

                    Ah, crap.

     HE STARTLES AT HIS MISTAKE AND LOOKS TO SEE IF THE 
     BOYS HEARD HIM, AND WE...

     FADE OUT

    
     
     	  		  END OF ACT ONE









                              ACT TWO

                              Scene 1



     INT.  KITCHEN/FAMILY ROOM - EARLY SUNDAY AFTERNOON

     TIM POURS A BOWL OF CHIPS IN THE KITCHEN, BUT 
     SOMETHING IS TERRIBLY WRONG WITH HIS NECK - IT'S AT 
     SUCH A RADICAL ANGLE THAT HIS EAR NEARLY TOUCHES 
     HIS SHOULDER.
     
     JILL ENTERS.

                                TIM

                    How was the bed, honey?

                                JILL

                    Wonderful.  How was the couch?

                                TIM

                    Oh, just swell.

     TIM CROSSES TO THE COUCH AND JOINS BRAD AND RANDY 
     WATCHING FOOTBALL ON TELEVISION.

                                TIM

                    I don't suppose you guys could turn 

                    the TV sideways?

     THEY SHAKE "NO".  TIM SETS THE BOWL DOWN, GRABS HIS 
     HEAD, AND WITH A GRIMACE, RE-ORIENTS IT.

                                JILL

                    So, Brad, you better be prepared this 

                    time.

                                RANDY

                    Aw, Mom, you're so tenacious.

                                BRAD

                    Yeah, this is only a small cessation 

                    of work.

     JILL LOOKS STUNNED.  GRINNING WITH PRIDE, TIM HOLDS 
     UP A BOOK.

                                TIM

                    I got a thesaurus.

     BRAD AND RANDY EACH HOLD UP AN IDENTICAL BOOK.

                                TIM (CONT'D)

                    I got everyone thesauruses!  Thesaurus-

                    es-es-es.

                                JILL

                    Thesauri.

                                TIM

                    Thanks, honey, you don't have to 

                    apologize.  Look, I made this for you.

     HE SHOWS A WOODBURNT PLAQUE THAT SAYS "SORRY".  
     THE LETTER "Y" IS ASKEW.

                                JILL

                    Awww.  I think I'll put it right 

                    over... the bed.

      A COMMOTION TURNS TIM BACK TO THE GAME.

                                TIM

                    What happened?  Aw, Jeez!  Holding.  

                    Holding?  What a bunch of crap!  

                                JILL

                    Tim!!!  

                                BRAD

                    Gosh, Dad, you're bothering Mom's 

                    tranquillity.

                                RANDY

                    Yeah, you should desist using the 

                    word "crap".

                                TIM

                    Okay, boys, that's enough.

                                JILL

                    Congratulations, Dr. Frankenstein.  

                    I don't think there's a worse habit 

                    you could've taught them.

     THE LIONS SCORE.

                                TIM

                    Touchdown!!

     THE BOYS LEAP UP AND VICTORY-DANCE WITH TIM, 
     GYRATING LIKE MANIACS.

                                TIM, BRAD & RANDY

                    Ooga-booga, ooga-booga... hey-hey!  

                    Ooga-booga, ba-booga-booga--

                                JILL

                    I stand corrected.

     SHE THINKS FOR A FEW MOMENTS.  THE GUYS SIT, GLUED 
     TO THE SET AGAIN.

                                JILL

                    Tim?

                                TIM

                    Yeah, hon, just a second.

                                JILL

                    Tim, I need to talk to you.

                                TIM

                    Yeah, Jill, after the extra point.

     SHE WALKS OVER AND TURNS OFF THE SET.  AMID 
     GRUMBLING, SHE STARES DIRECTLY AT TIM.

                                JILL

                    Right now.

                                TIM

                    Uh, guys, why don't you go outside and 

                    spackle something?

     WITH A LITTLE MORE GRIPING, THEY GET UP AND EXIT TO 
     THE BACK YARD.

                                TIM

                    This won't take more than a quarter, 

                    will it, hon?  'Cause, see, the Lions 

                    are--

                                JILL

                    Tim, you know I'm very concerned about 

                    what the boys are learning from you.

                                TIM

                    The Ooga-Booga Dance is a little too 

                    much, huh?

                                JILL

                    Tim, if I've learned anything at all 

                    at the magazine, it's the influence of 

                    words.  Words make the person.  And if 

                    the boys think it's all right to use 

                    profanity, then we haven't done our 

                    jobs as parents.

                                TIM

                    Aw, Jill... there's a lot worse things 

                    they could say, you know.  You should 

                    hear some of the words the Tool Time 

                    guys use, whoo!

                                JILL

                    Yes, but we didn't name our children 

                    "Moose".  No offense, Tim, but I want 

                    the boys to aspire to more than being 

                    a go-fer on a cable TV show.

                                TIM

                    How about the Head Assistant Go-fer?  

                    He gets to polish the tools!

                                JILL

                    I'm serious, Tim!  The boys look up to 

                    you.  Well, at least Mark still does.  

                    And I'm not sure if you understand 

                    that responsibility sometimes.

                                TIM

                    Aw, sure I do, hon.

                                JILL

                    Hiding the table I can forgive, but 

                    the way we raise our children is 

                    extremely important to me.

                                TIM

                    How about if I swear at the table and 

                    hide the children?

                                JILL

                    How about you explain to your sons 

                    once and for all?

     SHE OPENS THE DOOR AND CALLS THEM.  THEY ENTER.

                                JILL

                    Boys, your father has something to 

                    say.

                                TIM

                    Guys, your mom thinks-- (OFF JILL'S 

                    LOOK)  and I... steadfastly agree, 

                    that you shouldn't say "crap" any 

                    more.  Got it?

                                BRAD

                    Sure, Dad.

     RANDY NODS.

                                TIM

                    Now, let's watch some big guys send 

                    each other to the hospital!

                                RANDY

                    That's okay, Dad - we found some dice 

                    outside, and Brad's teaching me to 

                    play craps!

     THEY RUN OUT, LAUGHING LIKE DEVILS.  JILL THROWS 
     HER ARMS UP AS TIM TRIES NOT TO SMILE.  AND WE...

     CUT TO:








                              ACT TWO

                              Scene 2



     INT.  "TOOL TIME" SET - LATE SUNDAY AFTERNOON

     THE SECOND SEGMENT BEGINS.

                                AL

                    Welcome back.  In this half, we'll 

                    show you a more involved use of the 

                    wood iron.  (HE TURNS)  Heidi?

     HEIDI ROLLS IN A LARGE, STAINED TABLE WITH DARK 
     MARKS AND GOUGES IN IT.

                                TIM

                    Probably the most interesting example 

                    of woodburning technique has been used 

                    on this handsome dining room table.

                                AL

                    That's right, Tim, it's called 

                    "distressing" the wood.

                                TIM

                    In contrast to "distressing the host".

     TIM GRABS FISTFULS OF HIS HAIR AND SHAKES HIS BUG-
     EYED HEAD.

                                AL

                    Distressing is an artificial way to 

                    make the wood look older, like a 

                    classic piece of furniture.

                                TIM

                    And what a classic this is, Al.  Look at 

                    her!  Solid as a rock.  As compared to 

                    this:

     FROM BEHIND A CORNER, TIM BRINGS OUT JILL'S LITTLE 
     END TABLE AND SETS IT NEXT TO THE HUGE BLOCKY ONE.  
     THE TABLES LOOK LIKE FATHER AND INFANT.

                                TIM

                    (MOCK WONDER)  Oh, it's so dainty!  

                    (BEAT)  You know, furniture should be 

                    big and sturdy... like Al's Mom.  Not 

                    small and useless.

                                AL

                    ...Like Tim's brain.  Another way to 

                    distress wood is by beating it with a 

                    hammer or mallet.

     HE HOLDS UP A METAL HAMMER.

                                TIM

                    Of course, some tables will require a 

                    special tool...

     TIM BENDS DOWN BY THE DELICATE TABLE AND PRODUCES 
     A PLASTIC KIDDIE HAMMER, THE KIND THAT SQUEAK.  
     HE HITS THE LITTLE TABLE LIKE A RAPID PISTON.  
     CHIRP, CHIRP, CHIRP!

                                TIM

                    I am so distressed!!

                                AL

                    One definition of the word 

                    "distressed" is, "being in need of 

                    immediate assistance".

     TIM LOOKS UP, THEN RESUMES FLAILING, THE HAMMER 
     SQUEAKING MERCILESSLY, AND WE...

     CUT TO:








                              ACT TWO

                              Scene 3



     EXT.  BACKYARD - EARLY SUNDAY EVENING

     TIM EXITS THE HOUSE.  WILSON WEARS A BANDANA OVER 
     MOST OF HIS FACE AND CARRIES A FUMIGATOR.

                                WILSON

                    Hi-ho, neighbor!

                                TIM

                    And yippee-ki-yay to you.  Where's the 

                    showdown?

     WILSON POINTS TO HIS OVERHANG.

                                WILSON

                    That hornet's nest up in the corner.

                                TIM

                    Ooo, Wilson Earp and the O.K. Bee's 

                    Nest.

                                WILSON

                    Yes, Tim, and this backyard isn't big 

                    enough for the eight hundred of us.

                                TIM

                    Eight hundred?  Wow!

                                WILSON

                    That's right, Tim, hundreds of 

                    workers and drones, all dedicated to 

                    fulfilling the whims of a single 

                    queen...  So, what brings you outside 

                    this fall evening?

     TIM STANDS LOST IN AMAZEMENT.

                                TIM

                    What?  Oh, I had an argument with 

                    the Queen... uh, Jill!

                                WILSON

                    Ah, the vagaries of marriage.  Pray 

                    tell, Tim, what was the source of 

                    conflict?

                                TIM

                    She's all bent out of shape because 

                    she thinks I'm not acting right around 

                    the boys - using the right words and 

                    stuff.

                                WILSON

                    The role-model debate, mm-hmm, 

                    continue.

                                TIM

                    Yeah, and then she bought this goofy 

                    end table that looks like something Al 

                    would build, so I hid it from her.  

                    What'd I do wrong, Wilson?

                                WILSON

                    Sounds like a power play, Tim.

                                TIM

                    What does hockey have to do with 

                    furniture?

                                WILSON

                    No, Tim.  You see, boys go through 

                    stages where they try to exert their 

                    own power within the family.  To stake 

                    a better position, if you will.

                                TIM

                    That's for sure.  I can't believe what 

                    the kids do sometimes.

                                WILSON

                    I was talking about you, Tim.

                                TIM

                    Oh.

     HE REACTS.

                                WILSON

                    Actually, Tim, I was thinking more 

                    along the lines of Shakespeare, who 

                    said, "A man's home is his castle"--

     TIM NODS AND GRUNTS VIGOROUSLY.

                                TIM

                    Absolutely, yes, yes.

                                WILSON

                    But so is a woman's.

                                TIM

                    Urr?  Shakespeare said that?

                                WILSON

                    No, Tim, I just did.  But in the 

                    proverbial castle, each resident 

                    demarcates their space with the things 

                    that they own.

                                TIM

                    Demarc-- what?

                                WILSON

                    To mark off space, Tim.  For example, 

                    you with your tools, and Jill with her 

                    furniture.  And, as you've found out, 

                    it can even come down to the very 

                    words you use around each other.

                                TIM

                    So...  when I say I don't like this 

                    doofus piece of furniture that she 

                    bought, or use words she doesn't like, 

                    it's like I'm staking my claim.

                                WILSON

                    Exactly.  It's not a caste system, 

                    Tim, with a Queen and workers and 

                    drones.  You must work together to 

                    share your castle.

                                TIM

                    Not a caste system in the castle, huh?

                                WILSON

                    Nooo.  Separate, but equal, as it 

                    were.  The poet Kahlil Gibran said, 

                    "Let there be spaces in your 

                    togetherness".

     TIM PONDERS.

                                TIM

                    Whew, right again, Wilson.  I'll give 

                    her some space.  (BEAT)  Especially 

                    around that dopey end table.  Hey, 

                    good luck with the bees.

     HE TURNS AND WALKS TO THE BACK DOOR.  WILSON GETS UP ON 
     A STEPLADDER NEAR THE BEE'S NEST.  TIM TURNS AROUND.

                                TIM

                    Hey, Wilson?

                                WILSON

                    Yes, Tim?

                                TIM

                    Does the Queen bee ever go garage-

                    saleing?

                                WILSON

                    Only on the planet Xenon, Tim.

     TIM NODS, THEN REACTS, AND WE...

     CUT TO:








                              ACT TWO

                              Scene 4



     INT. KITCHEN - LATE SUNDAY EVENING

     JILL PUTS AWAY DISHES FROM THE DISHWASHER.  THERE 
     IS A KNOCK AND SHE TURNS AROUND.  SHE APPROACHES 
     THE GARAGE DOOR.
     
     THE DOOR OPENS AND TIM'S HAND APPEARS THROUGH THE 
     CRACK, CLUTCHING A ROSE.

                                JILL

                    Tim, you can't just--

     THE DOOR OPENS WIDER AND TIM PRESENTS THE LITTLE 
     CARVED TABLE.

                                TIM

                    I was wrong, and you were right.

                                JILL

                    Figured that out by yourself, did you?

     HE ENTERS THE KITCHEN.

                                TIM

                    Well, Wilson helped.  He said you and 

                    I are like little bees wearing casts, 

                    hobbling around the Queen's castle.  

                    We just need some space between us to 

                    do our buzzing around.

                                JILL

                    Okay...

                                TIM

                    See, I'm only marking my territory.

                                JILL

                    Gosh, I hope not - I just vacuumed.  

                    (BEAT)  Tim, do you have any idea how 

                    I felt when this table was missing?

                                TIM

                    Yes.  (OFF HER LOOK)  No.

                                JILL

                    I love this little table, Tim, and you 

                    took it away from me.  Just like not 

                    teaching the boys certain values takes 

                    away something from our relationship.  

                    Do you get it?

     HE NODS.  A LONG MOMENT PASSES AS TIM SCREWS UP HIS 
     COURAGE.  HE SPEAKS QUIETLY.

                                TIM

                    You know, I really want to raise the 

                    boys as well as my Dad did me.  But 

                    after he died, it was just my brothers 

                    burping and swearing and pounding each 

                    other with hammers.

     HE HELPS HER PUT AWAY SOME DISHES.

                                TIM (CONT'D)

                    And I know that I need to lead by 

                    example.  It's just that the example 

                    in my head sometimes trips over my 

                    face.  Or tongue, or whatever.

                                JILL

                    We need to raise them correctly, Tim, 

                    together.  Without all the battling 

                    for control.

                                TIM

                    Right.  Hey, maybe both of us can be 

                    the Queen bee.  No, wait a minute.  

                    All I know is, we both want the same 

                    thing, and I'm sorry if I made you 

                    feel bad.

                                JILL

                    Badly.  I guess the next book should 

                    be a grammar manual.  (BEAT)  That's 

                    okay.  Apology accepted, partner.

     THEY SHAKE HANDS AND THEN KISS.

                                TIM

                    Boy, that Wilson is pretty smart, 

                    isn't he?  Maybe we should marry him 

                    and he can be the Dad.

     SHE LAUGHS SOFTLY, AND CLOSES THE DISHWASHER.

                                JILL

                    I think you can figure this stuff out 

                    by yourself.

                                TIM

                    So, how do we get them to stop saying 

                    cra-- that word?  Just ignore it?

     THEY HEAD TOWARD THE STAIRS.

                                JILL

                    Well, I was thinking of something 

                    else.

                                TIM

                    Ah, Queenie has a plan.  Worker Bee 

                    Tim at your command, oh literary one.  

                    Bzzzz!

                                JILL

                    Bzzz, bzzz!

     THEY BEGIN BUZZING AND POKING EACH OTHER AS THEY 
     HEAD UPSTAIRS, AND WE...

     CUT TO:









                              ACT TWO

                              Scene 5



     INT. KITCHEN - MONDAY MORNING

     THE THREE BOYS HUSTLE DOWN THE STEPS INTO THE KITCHEN.  
     JILL AND TIM QUICKLY HAND THEM BAGS AND BOOKS.

                                JILL

                    Let's go, let's go!  You guys are 

                    gonna be late!

                                TIM

                    Here, take your crap and get moving!

     THE BOYS HESITATE.

                                JILL

                    Go on, I put some crap for breakfast 

                    into these bags.

                                BRAD

                    What??

                                JILL

                    I made some eggs, but they turned out 

                    weird, so you'll have to eat this on 

                    the way.

                                TIM

                    Don't give your Mom any guff, because 

                    she worked real hard on that.

     THE THREE HEAD CONFUSED TO THE DOOR.

                                JILL

                    Oh, and good luck with that vocabulary 

                    crap today, Brad.

                                TIM

                    Yeah, and don't take any crap from any 

                    bullies at school, either!

     THE BOYS PAUSE AT THE FRONT DOOR FOR A QUICK 
     CONFERENCE.

                                BRAD

                    What's the deal with them?  They're 

                    saying the word.

                                MARK

                    Yeah, I thought we weren't supposed to 

                    say that any more.

                                RANDY

                    I don't know about you guys, but if 

                    they think it's cool, I'm definitely 

                    not saying it.

                                BRAD

                    Really.

     THEY ALL NOD AGREEMENT AND EXIT.  TIM AND JILL HIGH-
     FIVE EACH OTHER AND DANCE CRAZILY.

                                TIM & JILL

                    Ooga-booga, ooga-booga... hey-hey!...  

                    Oooga-booga...

     AND WE...

     FADE OUT

     
     
     
     
     			  END OF SHOW
     							
     							
     							


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