South Park

"Brad Pitt's Butt"

by Kristian Idol










The following screenplay is Registered WGA #701292 and Copyright 1998 by Kristian Idol.
Use of any material, in whole or in part, is expressly forbidden without prior written consent.





            INT. MR. GARRISON'S BEDROOM - ON GARRISON'S FACE

            Sweating and panting, Mr. Garrison is having a nightmare.  
            He moans.

                                   MR. GARRISON
                      Brad...  Come, Brad Pitt, come...

            He wakes up with a gasp.  Without Mr. Garrison's lips 
            moving, Mr. Hat speaks:

                                   MR. HAT
                      It was just a dream, Mr. Garrison.

                                   MR. GARRISON
                      Oh, thank God...

            Suddenly, Mr. Hat takes out an 8-inch carving knife and 
            starts stabbing Mr. Garrison.

                                   MR. GARRISON (CONT'D)
                      No, Mr. Hat, no!  Ahh!  It's a 
                      trilogy of terror!  Aaaggh!!

            Garrison wakes up again, for real.

                                   MR. GARRISON (CONT'D)
                      Oh my!  That's the last time I eat 
                      a firm banana quiche right before 
                      beddy-bye!  But what does it all 
                      mean?

            Mr. Hat burps.  Again, by itself:

                                   MR. HAT
                      It's coming...


            EXT. BUS STOP - DAY

            The kids seem a little lethargic today.

                                   KYLE
                      Cartman's butt is so big that he... 
                      he has his own zip code?

            Stan forces a weak smile.  Cartman yawns.

                                   KYLE (CONT'D)
                      Man, we are so bored even Cartman's 
                      ass isn't funny.

            A quiet moment with eyes at half-mast.  Someone farts.

            Nothing.

                                   CARTMAN
                      Every day, the same old grind - get 
                      up, have some pie for breakfast, go 
                      to school, have some pie after gym, 
                      come home and have some pie for 
                      dinner...  I can't wait 'til I'm a 
                      grown-up workin' 9-to-5 in a 
                      square, beige cubicle where 
                      something exciting happens every 
                      day...

                                   KENNY
                      Mphph rmph--

            Kenny tips over mid-mumble, snoring.  The others barely 
            notice.

                                   STAN
                      What he said.  I think.

            The bus pulls up and the doors open, but the kids just stare.

                                   MRS. CRABTREE
                      C'mon, get in, dammit!!

            They sigh.

                                   MRS. CRABTREE (CONT'D)
                      What's wrong with you kids??!!

                                   STAN
                      We're bored.

                                   MRS. CRABTREE
                      I'm a whore??

                                   STAN
                      Uh... that works.

            They get in.


            INT. SCHOOLBUS

                                   KYLE
                      We really need to shake up our lives.

                                   CARTMAN
                      This is South Park, you moron.  Same 
                      sh#t, different day - nothing in this 
                      hell-hole is ever gonna change.


            INT. PIP'S BEDROOM

            Pip peers into a telescope.


            INSERT - AN ASTEROID

            hurtles toward us.

                                   PIP
                      Oh, heavens!

            A little sign on the asteroid says: MUST KILL KENNY.


            INT. CLASSROOM - DAY

            Mr. Garrison ignores Pip tugging at his sleeve.

                                   MR. GARRISON
                      Class, I have an extremely urgent 
                      announcement.

                                   PIP
                      Me too, sir, me too!

                                   MR. GARRISON
                      Oh no, you little munchkin!  I give 
                      the important news around here.

                                   PIP
                      But Mr. Garrison, I must speak!

                                   MR. GARRISON
                      Kyle, can you come up here and gag 
                      Mr. Babbly-Brain?  Thank you.

            Kyle ties a bandana around Pip's mouth.  The top of Pip's 
            head turns purple.

                                   MR. GARRISON (CONT'D)
                      Now, the urgent news...  Hollywood 
                      is coming to South Park!

                                   ALL
                      Yay!!

                                   MR. GARRISON
                      That's right, children, all the way 
                      from Los Angeles, California, the 
                      chlamydia capital of the world...

                                   ALL
                      Yay!!

                                   MR. GARRISON (CONT'D)
                      ...comes the Planet Megahype 
                      Hollywood History Tour!

                                   ALL
                      Yay!!

                                   MR. GARRISON
                      Our gymnasium will be the site of a 
                      traveling show of venerations and 
                      memorabilia!

            Silence.

                                   MR. GARRISON (CONT'D)
                      That means you get out of school.

                                   ALL
                      Yay!!

                                   MR. GARRISON
                      Now, Pip, what boring piece of 
                      tripe must you share with us?

                                   PIP
                             (removes gag)
                      Meteors are heading right for South 
                      Park!

                                   CARTMAN
                      What the hell is a "meteor"?

                                   KYLE
                      You know, like a small shooting star.

                                   PIP
                      Yes, many inferior stars are coming 
                      right at us!

                                   MR. GARRISON
                      Jeez Louise, I just announced that.  
                      Detention for you, you little fop!


            EXT. SPACE

            Another meteor joins the first.  Its sign: THE ENGLISH 
            KID TOO.


            EXT. GYMNASIUM - DAY

            A large banner announces:

            		 PLANET MEGAHYPE HOLLYWOOD HISTORY TOUR!
            			   Since Mid 1998


            INT. GYMNASIUM

            Most of South Park checks out the action.  An unctuous, 
            polished guide leads a group around, including the bored 
            kids, Mr. Garrison, Mrs. Cartman and Chef.

                                   STAN
                      This blows.

                                   KYLE
                      So much for something cool coming 
                      to town.

                                   CARTMAN
                      At least your mom's not tagging 
                      along...

            Mrs. Cartman adjusts his cap.

                                   GUIDE
                      ...And here in the "Why They're 
                      Important And You're Not" section, 
                      we've duplicated some of the most 
                      famous body parts in all of 
                      Hollywood.  This, for example, is 
                      the dimple of "ER"s George Clooney!

            A replica cheek with a little divot sits on a small stand 
            under glass.

                                   KYLE
                      Sweet!

                                   STAN
                      That looks pretty realistic...

                                   GUIDE
                      Oh, you caught us!  This particular 
                      exhibit is not a reproduction, but 
                      actually Mr. Clooney's genuine flesh!

                                   KYLE
                      But George Clooney is still alive!  
                      Doesn't he need his dimple?


            INT. GEORGE CLOONEY'S BREAKFAST NOOK

            The handsome TV doctor lifts a spoonful of cereal into his 
            mouth.  It spills out of the gaping whole in the side of 
            his face.


            AT A FULL-BODY EXHIBIT

            The crowd stands in front of a wax replica of a handsome 
            though aging actor, wearing a mail carrier's outfit.

                                   GUIDE
                      He wouldn't let us take his 
                      wonderful teeth, but this uniform 
                      here on Erik Estrada was the same 
                      one repeatedly torn off by co-star 
                      Morgan Fairchild in the TV movie, 
                      "Dick Postal: Postal Dick".  It's 
                      practically a museum piece!

            They look at the grinning replica.

                                   STAN
                      Dude, Erik Estrada's whole career 
                      is a museum piece.

            The crowd laughs and moves on.  The wax dummy's smile fades.

                                   ERIK ESTRADA
                      Ah, jeez.

            Erik mopes away.


            BRAD PITT EXHIBIT

            They group approaches a display of what can only be buttocks.

                                   STAN
                      Look at that ass!

                                   GUIDE
                      Yes, that's hunky actor Brad Pitt's 
                      gluteus maximus!

                                   KYLE
                      Um, it's not really Brad Pitt's 
                      butt, is it?

                                   GUIDE
                      No, this realistic replica is 
                      sculpted in Arizona clay!

                                   CHEF
                      Damn, look how small the booty is.

                                   MR. GARRISON
                      And muscular!

            They look at him.

                                   MR. GARRISON (CONT'D)
                      I mean, compared to Mel Gibson's.
                             (more looks)
                      Uh...

            Mrs. Cartman runs her hand over its surface.

                                   MRS. CARTMAN
                      Oh, Bradley!

                                   CARTMAN
                      Mom!!

            Kyle looks to his friends.

                                   KYLE
                      This behavior does not surprise me.

            Pip pushes his way to the front of the crowd.

                                   PIP
                      I can't believe all this attention 
                      to Hollywood when we should be 
                      preparing for our possible doom!  
                      What about the meteors??

                                   STAN
                      Meteor, shmeteor.  They'll never 
                      hit South Park.

                                   KYLE
                      Yeah, you wuss.  Nothing exciting 
                      ever happens here.

            Pip leaves in disgust, and the group moves on, except for 
            Cartman.


            CLOSE ON CARTMAN

            as he stares at the exhibit.


            ON BUTT

            as it sits there.  From nowhere, a whisper.

                                   WHISPER (O.S.)
                      Cartman...


            ON CARTMAN

                                   CARTMAN
                             (wide-eyed)
                      Huh?


            CLOSER ON THE BUTT

            Lilting, "Field of Dreams"-type music.

                                   WHISPER (O.S.)
                      Impress your friends...


            CARTMAN'S EYES

            dart back and forth.

                                   CARTMAN
                      Jesus?


            INT. GYMNASIUM - BY DOOR

            Cartman rejoins his pals.  He looks heavier than usual - 
            his stomach hangs out from under his shirt.

                                   CARTMAN
                      This sucks, let's get outta here.

                                   STAN
                      Cartman, did you like, get fatter 
                      in the last two hours?

                                   CARTMAN
                      Shut up, hippie!  Let's go!

                                   STAN
                      Well hey, is it just me, or does 
                      Cartman look like he has an ass in 
                      front now, too?

            Cartman opens his coat to reveal the Brad Pitt replica.

                                   CARTMAN
                      Heh!  I stole Mr. Brad Pitt's butt!  
                      What about them apples?

                                   KYLE
                      Cartman!  You'll get us all in 
                      trouble!

            Kenny pulls his hood tighter.

                                   CARTMAN
                      Not if we run fast enough!  Run, 
                      you pussies, run!!


            EXT. GYMNASIUM

            Stan, Kyle and Kenny race across the snow.  Many lengths 
            back, Cartman spirits the replica away.

                                   CARTMAN
                      I got it, I got the ass!  Hey, 
                      South Park, Eric Cartman stole the 
                      movie star's ass!!


            INT. CARTMAN'S BEDROOM - LATER

            Cartman plays with the casting, pushing a pair of honeydews 
            against it.

                                   CARTMAN
                             (girl's voice)
                      Oh, Brad Pitt, you're so sexy, let me 
                      press my melons against your butt...

            The rump falls over, breaking in two.

                                   CARTMAN (CONT'D)
                      Oh, sh#t!

                                   MRS. CARTMAN (O.S.)
                      What's going on in there, honey?

                                   CARTMAN
                      Nothing, Mom!  Just playing with my 
                      butt!

            Cartman hunches in realization.

                                   MRS. CARTMAN
                      Okay, honey, just be sure to wash 
                      your hands afterwards.

            Cartman looks at the hard clay pieces.

                                   CARTMAN
                      Aww no, I broke Brad Pitt's butt!


            EXT. SPACE

            To the tune of "Ride of the Valkyries", a whole group of 
            meteors streak toward us.  A third sign: KILL THEM ALL.


            INT. CARTMAN'S BEDROOM

            Cartman's friends call him to the mat.

                                   STAN
                      I can't believe you kyped it, 
                      Cartman, what were you thinking?

                                   CARTMAN
                      I was bored, okay??

                                   KYLE
                      I'm not sure "boredom" adequately 
                      covers stealing a man's rear end.

                                   STAN
                      Yeah, dude, you got issues!

                                   CARTMAN
                      I don't have issues!  A little 
                      voice in my head told me to steal 
                      the ass!

            The other three look at each other.

                                   CARTMAN (CONT'D)
                      Oh, shut up!  You're just jealous 
                      'cause I had the guts to do 
                      something exciting!

                                   STAN
                      Not this kind of excitement, 
                      Cartman!  What happens when they 
                      find out it's missing?

                                   KYLE
                      Yeah, just return it before we all 
                      get in trouble!

                                   CARTMAN
                      Um... I can't.

                                   STAN
                      Why not??

            Cartman produces the two - separated - cheeks.

                                   CARTMAN
                      I broke it.

                                   KYLE
                      Oh my God!!

                                   STAN
                      I think I'm gonna have a heart 
                      attack...

                                   KYLE
                      If you don't return that man's ass, 
                      Cartman, we're all screwed!

                                   STAN
                      I'm not going to jail for you, 
                      dude!  I'm the future of America!

                                   CARTMAN
                      Look, I got some glue, just hold 
                      the two pieces for me, okay?

            Stan and Kyle each reluctantly grab a half.  Cartman 
            squirts a load of white wood glue on each cheek.

                                   KENNY
                      Mrph rmph myphaw.

                                   KYLE
                      What kind of movie?

                                   STAN
                      Never mind!

            They press the pieces together and place the repaired 
            exhibit on a table.

                                   CARTMAN
                      See, everything's just fine, they 
                      won't even notice.

                                   KYLE
                      You got lucky this time, Cartman.  
                      Now just return it and let's forget 
                      this ever happened!

                                   CARTMAN
                      Yeah, okay...

                                   STAN
                      Once it's back in the exhibit, 
                      nobody will ever know, and we'll 
                      all be able to relax!

            Kenny sneezes.  The butt falls apart and hits the floor, 
            cracking into several pieces.

                                   MRS. CARTMAN (O.S.)
                      Eric?


            EXT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE - SECONDS LATER

            Stan, Kyle and Kenny run from the house screaming.  From a 
            window, Cartman yells after them.

                                   CARTMAN
                      C'mon back, you guys!  I got more 
                      glue!


            COMMERCIAL BREAK #1


            INT. CLASSROOM - NEXT DAY

            The kids enter.

                                   STAN
                      No, Cartman, no way!

                                   CARTMAN
                      But the butt doesn't look like a 
                      butt anymore!

                                   STAN
                      I will not --

            Wendy walks by.  Stan lowers his voice.

                                   STAN (CONT'D)
                      I will not let you make a plaster 
                      cast of my ass, you homo!

                                   KYLE
                      You're outta control, Cartman.  We 
                      don't even know you anymore!

            Cartman frets, then approaches Mr. Garrison.  He whispers 
            into his teacher's ear.

                                   MR. GARRISON
                      You want to make a plaster cast of 
                      my what??

                                   CARTMAN
                      Uh... for a science experiment, 
                      honest!  You know: size, shape, 
                      destiny...

                                   MR. GARRISON
                      Eric, that request is so twisted 
                      that I must report you to the 
                      school counselor this instant!

                                   CARTMAN
                      No!!

            Cartman turns desperately to his friends.

                                   CARTMAN (CONT'D)
                             (sotto)
                      If you guys don't help get me outta 
                      this, I'll say you were all in on 
                      it with me!

                                   MR. GARRISON
                      Let's go, Eric.

                                   STAN
                      Uh, Mr. Garrison?  Please don't 
                      report Cartman.

                                   KYLE
                      Yeah...  I think maybe Cartman just 
                      had a bad childhood - you know, 
                      kindergarten?  Maybe he was ignored 
                      by his slutty mom, so he just asked 
                      you that in a desperate cry for 
                      attention...

                                   MR. GARRISON
                      A cry for attention?

                                   STAN
                      Kind of like that lame-o hand 
                      puppet of yours.

                                   MR. GARRISON
                      Hmmm...  I understand.  Well, I 
                      won't report it, but Eric, you are 
                      on your own on this plaster thing.  
                      Good golly!
                             (beat)
                      Now then, it's Monday, let's learn 
                      from my stories...

            He turns on the:


            TELEVISION

            and a Special Bulletin breaks:

                                   ANCHOR
                      If you have just this moment 
                      coincidentally just tuned in, we 
                      have an urgent bulletin from a 
                      painfully handsome white man using 
                      his mother's maiden name...


            EXT. GYMNASIUM - DAY

            Townsfolk with stricken faces stand behind the newsman.

                                   SKIP TRUJILLO
                      Bob, we've just received word that 
                      a series of meteors is approaching 
                      Earth, and may mean the total 
                      destruction of South Park!
                             (beat)
                      But more importantly, a famous 
                      person's ass has been violated!  
                      I'm here at the South Park 
                      Gymnasium, site of the Planet 
                      Megahype Hollywood History Tour.  
                      Apparently, one of the most popular 
                      exhibits has been stolen - the 
                      buttocks of one Bradley Phillip 
                      Pitt, another handsome man like 
                      myself.  Ma'am, a comment?

            He turns to Mrs. Cartman, who wails like a Middle-Eastern 
            widow:

                                   MRS. CARTMAN
                      I, I... it was... (sniff)  oh, 
                      smooth... (choke)  uh... (sob) 
                      firm...  Waaaaaaa!!!

            She collapses.  The reporter turns.

                                   SKIP TRUJILLO
                      Officer?

                                   OFFICER BARBRADY
                      Obviously, someone really wanted 
                      Mr. Pitt's boom-boom.  My guess is 
                      that slut, Mrs. Cartman.

                                   MRS. CARTMAN
                             (lifts head)
                      Hey!!

                                   OFFICER BARBRADY
                      One thing's for sure, though:
                             (CU into camera)
                      I will dedicate my every waking 
                      hour to rectifying this rectum, and 
                      solving this heinous, anus crime!

            Pip walks by wearing a sandwich board:

            				 REPENT!
           			    THE END IS NEAR!

            			  Denny's Meteor Slam
            				  $1.99


            BACK TO CLASSROOM

                                   MR. GARRISON
                      Oh, I'd love to get my hands on 
                      that butt!

            The kids mouths drop open.

                                   MR. GARRISON (CONT'D)
                      Er, the hoodlum who stole that 
                      tight, young butt!
                             (beat)
                      Uh...


            BACK ON TELEVISION

                                   SKIP TRUJILLO
                      Well, Bob, I think it's safe to say 
                      that today is a black mark in the 
                      history of South Park.  If you want 
                      this reporter's opinion, it was 
                      probably some fat, jealous punk 
                      whose butt doesn't look anything 
                      like mine or Brad Pitt's...

            Cartman frowns.

            On TV, Jimbo and Ned push into frame, brandishing assault 
            rifles.

                                   UNCLE JIMBO
                      Kill 'em!  Kill the butt burglars!!

                                   NED
                             (using voice box)
                      Let God sort them out.

            The crowd cheers agreement as Jimbo and Ned fire into the 
            sky.  Suddenly it seems everyone is firing weapons: 
            civilians, priests, old ladies, cows...

            Cartman turns to his friends.

                                   CARTMAN
                      That's it, I'm returning the ass 
                      right now.

            He leaves.


            EXT. STREET

            Cartman sneaks along the street, trying to keep the butt 
            concealed.


            A police car slows, and the bullhorn fires up.

                                   OFFICER BARBRADY
                      All right, hold it right there.

            Barbrady gets out of the squad.

                                   OFFICER BARBRADY (CONT'D)
                      Shouldn't you be in school, young 
                      man?  Say, what do you have under-
                      neath your coat there?

                                   CARTMAN
                      Nothing.

                                   OFFICER BARBRADY
                      Don't lie to me, tubby.

                                   CARTMAN
                      I was just... bringing some pie to 
                      my Grandma...

                                   OFFICER BARBRADY
                      Where does she live?

                                   CARTMAN
                      Uh... over hill and over dale?

                                   OFFICER BARBRADY
                      Oh, how nice.  Can I see the goodies?

                                   CARTMAN
                      Unhh...

            Cartman takes off.

                                   OFFICER BARBRADY
                      Well, he must really be late to see 
                      Grandma-ma.  Pie sounds good, 
                      though, I'm very hungry...


            ON CARTMAN

            as he runs around a corner and cuts into: 


            A DARK ALLEY

            where he peeks out.  Panting, he ducks back when Barbrady 
            drives by.

                                   CARTMAN
                      Heh!  I may be full-bodied, but I 
                      can outrun some dumb cop!

            He turns around, right into a GROWLING DOBERMAN.

                                   CARTMAN (CONT'D)
                      Ahhh!!

            Cartman drops the casting, which breaks into a dozen 
            pieces.  The dog jumps on one, crunching it like kibble.  
            He shakes another like a captured rabbit.

                                   CARTMAN (CONT'D)
                      No, no!  Bad doggie!!  Get offa it!

            He grabs the butt chunk, and Cartman and the alley dog 
            struggle in a tug-of-war.

                                   CARTMAN (CONT'D)
                      God dammit, doggie, let go!!


            INT. CARTMAN'S BEDROOM - ON THE KIDS

            Stan, Kyle and Kenny are all drop-jaw stunned.  Cartman has 
            a hopeful face, as he shows them the current state of 
            Brad's rear end:

            Riven with cracks and missing pieces, Cartman's pathetic 
            attempt at reconstruction looks like a mosaic globe, soiled 
            with dirt and doggie slobber.

                                   STAN
                      Dude, it doesn't even look human!

                                   CARTMAN
                      Aww, Christ, I'm a dead man!  You 
                      are talking to a dead man!

                                   KYLE
                      Cartman, you gotta give yourself up!

                                   CARTMAN
                      No, no, anything but!

            They look at each other... and all burst out laughing.

                                   ALL
                      Ha ha! / "Butt." / "Anything butt"!

                                   STAN
                      Okay, shut up!  What are you gonna do?

                                   CARTMAN
                      I don't know!

                                   KYLE
                      Let's get outta here, Stan, this is 
                      madness.

                                   STAN
                      Yeah, dude, don't call us until you 
                      fix everything!

            They leave Cartman alone in his bedroom.

                                   CARTMAN
                      Well, screw you guys!  I don't need 
                      no stinking hippie friends!  I can 
                      figure this out all by --
                             (beat, realizing)
                      ...myself...


            EXT. STREET

            Stan and Kyle walk away.

                                   KYLE
                      Do you think we were too rough on him?

                                   STAN
                      Dude, I won't go down with a 
                      sinking ship.

                                   KYLE
                      But Stan, he's our friend.

                                   STAN
                      Not enough to go to prison for!  I 
                      don't wanna be some sixth-grader's 
                      bitch!

            Kyle stops his buddy.  A faint strain of "Saints Are 
            Marching In" begins.

                                   KYLE
                      But isn't that what friendship is 
                      all about?  Hanging in there when 
                      the going gets tough?  All for one, 
                      against all odds, question 
                      authority, stick it to the man?  
                      Stan, it is our solemn duty as 
                      Cartman's best - only - friends to 
                      pick up his adventure and carry it 
                      through to its logical conclusion!
                             (beat, music stops)
                      Besides, he owes me a quarter.

                                   STAN
                      Yeah, okay.
                             (beat)
                      You know, I can see now that 
                      solving this crisis is the most 
                      important event in our whole 
                      lives...

            Pip approaches with a stack of flyers.

                                   PIP
                      Would you gentlemen like to help --

            POW!!  Stan punches Pip's lights out.  Papers flutter like 
            leaves from a tree.


            INT. CARTMAN'S BEDROOM - CLOSE ON CARTMAN

            on the phone.

                                   CARTMAN
                      Hey, can you guys come over and 
                      help me out?

                                   STAN (O.S.)
                      Uh... Sure, Cartman, what is it?

                                   CARTMAN
                      Oh, nothing much.  Just bring a 
                      jackhammer, okay?

            We PULL BACK to reveal that Cartman's behind is stuck in 
            large washing tub.  Numerous empty boxes lie on the floor: 
            "Buford's Plaster-O-Paree".


            EXT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE - LATER

            The kids approach, dragging a jackhammer as big as they are.


            INT. CARTMAN'S BEDROOM

            Cartman's three friends stare at his predicament.

                                   STAN
                      Dude, no offense, but are you 
                      getting dumber by the minute?  Your 
                      ass is huge compared to Brad Pitt's!

                                   CARTMAN
                      I know, but I gotta return a butt 
                      to the show!  Any butt!

                                   STAN
                             (to Kyle)
                      Do you feel like you're sinking in 
                      quicksand, too??

                                   KYLE
                      Just do it.

            Stan fires up the jackhammer.  This thing is so loud it's 
            incredible.

            Cartman makes pointing gestures to his plaster-encased 
            rear, but of course, we can't hear him.  Stan and Kyle 
            start yelling back, but it's all Charades now.

            Stan heaves the tip of the construction tool up against the 
            metal washtub.  BRATTATATTAT!!!

            It sounds like a jumbo-jet in Cartman's bedroom, and Stan 
            vibrates like a can in a paint-mixer.

            Through the cacophony, barely, a voice from behind the door:

                                   MRS. CARTMAN (O.S.)
                      Eric?


            EXT. PLAYGROUND - DAY

            Cartman's rear end is wrapped in bandages, making it even 
            bigger than before.

                                   CARTMAN
                      How can I get a molding of a really 
                      small butt...?

                                   STAN
                      You already tried that, Cartman, 
                      and we almost got caught!

                                   KYLE
                      I think you should tell your mom.

                                   CARTMAN
                      Nuh-unh!  You know what they do to 
                      guys like me in jail?

                                   KYLE
                      Feed them twice as much?

                                   KENNY
                      Fmurph mphm maff.

                                   ALL
                      Yeow! / Ouch! / Ow!

                                   CARTMAN
                      I ain't tellin' my mom - she'll 
                      turn me in!

                                   STAN
                      Well, teachers are worthless...

                                   KYLE
                      So who knows more about anything 
                      than anybody?


            INT. CAFETERIA

            Chef soothes Pip.

                                   CHEF
                      Don't you worry 'bout no space-
                      rocks, children, we're all gonna 
                      die a grisly, fiery death when the 
                      Earth spins into the sun in a few 
                      years anyway, okay?  Now, have a 
                      good one!

            Pip sulks away.

                                   CHEF (CONT'D)
                      Hello, other children, how are you 
                      today?

                                   STAN
                      Bad.

                                   CHEF
                      Why bad?

                                   KYLE
                      Cartman stole Brad Pitt's butt and 
                      now he broke it, and we're all in 
                      trouble.

                                   CHEF
                      You took it?  You must return the 
                      pilfered booty and confess!

                                   CARTMAN
                      I don't wanna go to jail, Chef.  
                      I'm too tender!

                                   CHEF
                      Well, why the fudge did you steal 
                      the buttocks in the first place?

                                   CARTMAN
                      I was bored!  Why don't people get 
                      that?  And I'm gonna get nailed 
                      'cause all the replacement butts 
                      are too big!

                                   CHEF (CONT'D)
                      Too big??  Ain't no such thing, 
                      children.  Now let me tell you 
                      'bout lovin' the large booty...

                                   KYLE
                      Uh, Chef?

            Soulful R&B starts throbbing.

                                   CHEF
                             (spoken over music)
                      You know, a lot of people ask me 
                      what kind of woman I like to make 
                      sweet love with, what kind of 
                      special qualities a lady have to 
                      have, and to be honest with you, I 
                      don't give a damn...

                                   KYLE
                      No, Chef --

            The music continues pumping.

                                   CHEF
                      Tall or short, Venusian or Martian, 
                      when a man like Chef need to give 
                      that lovin', it just don't matter.  
                      But if you ask me right here, right 
                      now, I have to say...

                                   CARTMAN
                      But Chef --

                                   STAN
                      Just go with it, dude.

                                   CHEF
                             (singing)
                      "I like a little meat with my mashed potatoes,
                      There's just more of you to luh-uvv,
                      I get a rise from a nice big booty,
                      I just wanna hump it like Stan's homo dog..."

                                   STAN
                      Hey!  I let you sing!

                                   KYLE
                      But we do agree in principal, Chef.

                                   CARTMAN
                      Stop!!

            Cartman paces frantically.

                                   CARTMAN (CONT'D)
                      Oh man, if only I had a small butt!  
                      I could oil it all up again and 
                      squat in some warm, wet plaster...  
                      Mmmm...

            The kids look at each other.

                                   CHEF
                      Hell, if all you need is a smaller 
                      booty, children, just get some 
                      plastic surgery!

                                   CARTMAN
                      What?

                                   CHEF
                      Why sure, a little liposuction will 
                      suck that fat ass down to a proper 
                      cracker size in no time.

                                   KYLE
                      Will that work?

                                   STAN
                      I can't believe I'm gonna ask 
                      this... but how, Chef?

                                   CHEF
                      Well, I've been bonin' up on this 
                      here book:
                             (holds up)
                      "Ike Turner Teaches Elective Surgery".

                                   KYLE
                      It says, "Corrective Surgery".

                                   CHEF
                      Hmm, so it does.  Makes mo' sense, 
                      now that I think about it...

                                   CARTMAN
                      Are you sure you're the best person 
                      to do this?

                                   CHEF
                      Like I always say:  Don't matter if 
                      it's cookin', surgery or makin' 
                      love - it's all just manipulatin' 
                      meat.  Ain't that right?

            Blank looks.

                                   CARTMAN
                      Are you gonna suck me or what?


            INT. CAFETERIA - LATER

            Cartman lies prone on the dish-tray conveyer belt.

                                   CHEF
                      Now, remember, children, 
                      liposuction is not a substitute for 
                      good nutrition and exercise...

                                   KYLE
                      Uh-huh...

                                   CHEF
                      And some people are genetically 
                      predispositioned to fatitude, so 
                      you can't just stuff your yap again 
                      after I --

                                   CARTMAN
                      Shut up and cut me!  Cut me!!

            Chef cribs from the book.

                                   CHEF
                      Okay, first, we have to put you 
                      under with anesthesia.  Kenny, 
                      apply The Stinky Sock.

            Kenny holds up a wretched, moldy sock.  Cockroaches and 
            rats squeal out of the kitchen.

                                   STAN
                             (pinching nose)
                      Jesus Christ that smells!

                                   KYLE
                      That's hideous, Kenny!

                                   CARTMAN
                      What's everybody talking about - 
                      Kenny's socks don't stink.

                                   STAN
                      He's not going under, Chef.

                                   CHEF
                      But children, you gotta be 
                      unconscious before I do any fat 
                      removal...

            Chef holds up the lipo cannula - sparks shoot out the end 
            like a nuclear-powered cattle prod.

            Cartman faints.

                                                         SLOW FADE OUT

            As we fade, the sound of great crackling, sloshing and 
            sizzling.

                                   CHEF (O.S.)
                      Ahhh, ain't nothin' like the smell 
                      of a good rump roast...


            COMMERCIAL BREAK #2


            EXT. PLAYGROUND - BY SCHOOL

            Stan, Kyle and Kenny wait.

                                   STAN
                      He's been in there almost an hour!

            Smoke pours out around the kitchen door seams, and slurpy 
            sizzling sounds fill the air.

            And it stops.  A moment, then:

                                   KYLE
                      Here he comes!

            Out from the smoke, in slow motion ala The Right Stuff, 
            comes the familiar fat face...  But damn if it ain't on top 
            of a toothpick body.

            Cartman looks like a lollipop.

                                   KYLE
                      Cartman!  You're skinny!

            Stan sniffs.

                                   STAN
                      Do you smell bacon?

            Cartman preens.

                                   CARTMAN
                      Gentlemen, it is a new world!

                                   STAN
                      Okay, we gotta make a mold - what 
                      kind of stuff feels like a movie-
                      star's butt?


            INT. STORE

            Thin Cartman stands before a candy-store clerk.

                                   CARTMAN
                      Two pounds of Juju Bears, please.

                                   CLERK
                      Damn, son, you might wanna slow 
                      down on the sweets, or you'll 
                      become a fat-ass like that 
                      Cartman kid!

                                   CARTMAN
                             (gets candy)
                      Thanks, I'll take that under 
                      advisement...  Jag-off!


            INT. CARTMAN KITCHEN

            The kids work the stove, pouring JuJu Bears into a pot.

                                   MRS. CARTMAN (O.S.)
                      Eric?

            They quickly turn around.

                                   MRS. CARTMAN (CONT'D)
                      Smells good, honey, what are you 
                      boys cooking up?

                                   KENNY
                      Mrab biphs mutt.

                                   STAN
                      Shut up, Kenny!

                                   MRS. CARTMAN
                      Well, be sure to have seconds, 
                      Eric.  You look a little hungry.

            Toothpick-Cartman's friends look at him.

                                   CARTMAN
                      Sure thing, Mom.

                                   MRS. CARTMAN
                             (sniffs)
                      Mmmm... whatever it is, I can't 
                      wait to sink my teeth into it!

                                   KYLE
                      It probably wouldn't be the first 
                      time, Mrs. Cartman.

                                   MRS. CARTMAN
                      What?

                                   CARTMAN
                      Zip it, Jew-boy!


            EXT. STREET - ON PHONE POLE

            A hand-written flyer says:

            			 SUICIDE CLUB
            			   Call Pip
            			  555-5555 x5

            Officer Barbrady tacks up a poster right over it:

            			   WANTED
            			Brad Pitt's Butt
            		  And the thief who took it!
            			 $2000 Reward

            Jimbo sees the sign.

                                   UNCLE JIMBO
                      Hell, for two grand I'll cut off 
                      mah own ass and sell it!

            A couple other South Parkers marvel at the offer.


            INT. CAFETERIA - DAY

            Chef talks to the kids.

                                   CHEF
                      Now, children, about my bill...

                                   CARTMAN
                      Huh?  I thought you operated on me 
                      for free!

                                   CHEF
                      Oh, no, children, Chef's got bills, 
                      too.  Love oils, vibratory devices, 
                      solid brass trapeze winches...  You 
                      owe me a thousand dollars!

                                   CARTMAN
                      But I don't have any money left! 
                      Thirteen boxes of plaster, two 
                      pounds of Juju Bears, jackhammer 
                      rental...  I'm as poor as Kenny!

                                   CHEF
                      I'm sorry, children, I need that 
                      money by tomorrow, or I'll have to 
                      put all the fat back in.

                                   CARTMAN
                      What??

                                   STAN
                      You saved it??


            A PANTRY SHELF

            Jars of thick, yellow fluid sit with flies buzzing around.


            BACK TO SCENE

                                   CHEF
                      Of course I did, what do you think 
                      gave Chef's Garden Burgers Especialé 
                      that ol' grill-fried taste?

            All four kids spasm vomiting.  When he recovers:

                                   CARTMAN
                      I can't believe I'm still in 
                      trouble...  Look how perfect my 
                      fake butt is...

            He produces the new JuJu Pitt butt - indistinguishable from 
            the original.

            Officer Barbrady walks in.

                                   OFFICER BARBRADY
                      Say, Chef, do you have any pie?  
                      Maybe cherry, or pumpkin, or --

            Barbrady sees the butt, and quickly produces his revolver 
            and a megaphone.  He booms a single command:

                                   OFFICER BARBRADY
                      Step away from the boom-boom!!

            The kids raise their hands to the sky.  The butt falls to 
            the floor and bounces away.

                                   CHEF
                      We'll talk later...


            COMMERCIAL BREAK #3


            EXT. BUS STOP - NEXT DAY

            The South Park kids look very happy.

                                   STAN
                      Pretty cool that you didn't get 
                      arrested, Cartman.

                                   KYLE
                      We don't know what we woulda done 
                      if you were in jail.

                                   CARTMAN
                      Heh, jail!  That would kick ass!

                                   STAN
                      They'd really like your new little 
                      butt!

                                   CARTMAN
                      Yeah, nobody understands the fears of 
                      a handsome criminal like myself...

                                   STAN
                      Uh, yeah...

                                   KYLE
                      Well, congratulations, Cartman.  
                      You fooled Barbrady into believing 
                      that you were just returning the 
                      butt, you paid off Chef, and the 
                      candy store gave you a month's 
                      supply of MooMoo Pies!

                                   STAN
                      Dude, you scammed everyone.

                                   CARTMAN
                      And my ass is on tour across the 
                      country!

                                   KYLE
                      Sweet!

                                   STAN
                      Have a MooMoo Pie, hero!

            Cartman takes a single bite, and POP! -- instantly balloons
            up to his original fat weight.

                                   KYLE
                      Wow, Chef wasn't kidding about that 
                      genetic thing, was he?

                                   CARTMAN
                      Hmmm.
                             (beat)
                      C'est la vie.  But what a great 
                      town, huh?  New people always 
                      showing up, new thrills every 
                      week...

                                   STAN
                      Yeah, but you know, I still get the 
                      feeling something is missing...

                                   KYLE
                      Yeah, unfinished business or 
                      something.  Oh, look, it's Kenny.  
                      Hey, Kenny!

            Kenny stands in a meadow, holding a dachshund on a leash.  
            He waves.

            The three kids look at each other.

                                   ALL
                      Look out, Kenny!!

            A meteor screams in - zzzthunk!! - crushing the little dog.

                                   KENNY
                      Moly shmidd!!

            Another unearthly whine, and Kenny takes off.  A meteor 
            hits the ground in front of him.

            He reverses, and a third meteor buries into the snow, 
            cutting him off.  The boys gasp.

            And it becomes a South Park shooting gallery: our little 
            hooded one racing back and forth in the meadow as space-
            rocks scream into the Earth, narrowly missing him again and 
            again.

            Zzzzthunk!  Zhhzhthunk!!  ZHZHZHTHUNK!!!

            Kyle turns to his buddies.

                                   KYLE
                      Dude, if this wasn't so goddamm 
                      fun, I would have to comment that 
                      this is about as f##ked up as it 
                      gets right here, you know?

            Suddenly, it stops.  Which is good, because Kenny can keep 
            it up no longer.  He pauses among a field of boulders, 
            panting...

            And then, a sound - deep, primordial, groaning.  From 
            space.  A huge meteor obliterates the entire meadow.

                                   STAN
                      Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

            Silence in the field.

            But then, a muffled protest!

            Kenny struggles out from underneath the meteor.

                                   KENNY
                      Meym nomay!

                                   KYLE
                      He's okay!

            A little sign ("GOODBYE KENNY") peels from the giant 
            boulder, slowly fluttering down...

            And the edge of it slices the poor kid's neck wide open.  
            Blood spews out like a fountain, and Kenny falls over.

                                   STAN (CONT'D)
                      Oh my God!  They killed Kenny!!

                                   KYLE
                      You space-bastards!!

            A long, looong gape-mouthed moment.  Our kids just can't 
            believe it this time...

            Kenny is really, really dead.

                                   CARTMAN
                      Pretty f##king exciting, though.

            They laugh.

            
            

            						END.






Screenplay created with Final Draft, which is a darn fine product. Buy a hard copy of this script at Planet MegaMall.